Dudes like to eat. And dudes like to have sex. So it makes sense that the more enterprising among us would figure out a way to combine the two activities. Well, not literally because that would be unsanitary and let’s face it, kind of disgusting. But while eating a steak in the bedroom doesn’t quite get the boner juices going, these nine foods all do the trick. Sure, science has their explanations, but we thought we’d give some more practical reasons too. And so, here, for your education and subsequent enjoyment, are nine foods that supposedly make men horny.
Photo credit: Kirti Poddar, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Recent studies have shown watermelon releases chemicals in your body that mimic the effects of Viagra, which explains why your grandparents can’t keep their hands off of the stuff.
Alternate Explanation: I could make a joke here about burying your face in something pink and wet, but we’re above such things here. Or not. Look, it’s just going to be that kind of an article, okay?
Photo credit: Kirti Poddar, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Asparagus is loaded with vitamins, potassium and all sorts of things that help you keep your energy – and other things – up.
Alternate Explanation: Indians – the Kama Sutra kind not the Cleveland or Dances With Wolves kind – believed that Asparagus contains special chemical properties which combat fatigue and allow a man to go from the Lotus position to the Camel’s Hump to the Monkey’s Fingers all without a break. You don’t even wanna know what the Monkey’s Fingers position involves. Then again, if you eat your asparagus you might find out.
Photo credit: SaucyGlo, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Honey contains several variations of vitamin B, which help boost energy and stamina.
Alternate Explanation: Look, in trying to find a picture to use here it quickly became obvious from the myriad of not safe for work honey-related debauchery pictures out there that the real reason why honey is an aphrodisiac is because, well, people are freaks and if you can drip it on a body, people will find a way to incorporate it into their sex lives. I’m half-surprised Def Leppard never wrote a ridiculous song about honey.
Photo credit: Siona Karen, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Garlic aids in blood-flow and healthy circulation which means that when you need blood to rush from your head to, well, your other head, you’ll be thankful that you sprinkled garlic all over your dinner earlier. Just remember to brush your teeth first.
Alternate Explanation: Historically, garlic has been heralded by many different cultures as a food that inflames the passions. Tibetan monks were forbidden from entering their monastery after eating garlic, presumably because you can’t meditate properly with a raging hard-on. I said meditate. The reason for this is obvious – we all know that garlic kills vampires, right? Well, after killing a vampire in a garlic-heavy food fight, it’s only natural that a man’s adrenaline would be increased a thousand-fold. This spike in adrenaline leads to a need to work off all that extra energy. In conclusion, ancient Tibetan monks were actually vampire hunters. You can send my Nobel Prize to me care of Guyism.
Photo credit: mdid, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Figs are high in potassium and other minerals which are necessary for a vigorous night workout.
Alternate Explanation: A lot of people think an open fig resembles a lady’s vagina, which, man… that’s kind of a freaky looking vagina, but then again most dudes can see a vagina when they look at anything. A simple flower? Vagina. Train tunnel? Vagina. City bus? Vagina. Door knob? Vagina. Circus clown? Vagina. So really, the fig is just an innocent victim of the vagina-tinged filter through which the average man sees the world. Oddly enough, 17% of men who see an actual vagina immediately think of circus clowns riding a city bus while eating figs. Don’t argue with me, I’m a man of science and a Nobel Prize winner.
Photo credit: richard_north, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Green olives are reputed to make men more virile while black olives increase a woman’s sex drive. As with everything in life, it’s important to have diversity.
Alternate Explanation: Well, I typed “olives aphrodisiac” into Google image search in my quest to find an image to go with this and one of the first things that popped up was a picture of a, well, let’s just call her a healthy young lady wearing what appears to be dental floss in between her butt cheeks. And who am I to argue with Google? Bravo, olives. Bravo.
Photo credit: CeresB, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Pumpkin seeds are loaded in nutrients which aid in both virility and blood flow. Plus, they contain tyrosine, an amino-acid which supposedly puts people in a good mood which always helps, unless of course you’re into hate sex and then I don’t know what to tell you.
Alternate Explanation: Well, pumpkin seeds mean pumpkins and pumpkins mean Halloween and Halloween means ladies wandering around in slutty costumes. You do the math. Plus, if you ever find yourself alone with just a pumpkin, carve that thing out and… [We’re getting Neil the help he needs. We promise.]
Photo credit: WordRidden, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Bananas are high in potassium which, as we’ve already seen, helps give you long-lasting energy, but what really gives bananas their kick is a substance called bromelain which is infamous for its libido-increasing properties.
Alternate Explanation: Uh, if a banana makes you horny, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but…
Photo credit: viZZZual.com, Flickr
Why It Makes You Horny: Long considered the king of aphrodisiac foods, recent studies have backed those beliefs up by showing that oysters, when eaten, release testosterone in men and estrogen in women.
Alternate Explanation: Well, you’ve probably been brainwashed by every horny sitcom character in the last 40 years so the effect is probably more psychological than physiological. Or maybe it’s a racial memory, one of those things native to the entire species. Yeah, maybe our African ancestors celebrated a landmark oyster haul with a mass orgy? What? Like you have a better explanation for any of these things? Look, oysters give you a boner. It’s just science. Or magic. Who can really tell the difference these days? Or maybe you’re just really, really attracted to seafood, you degenerate pervert. Who’s to say?
Photo credit: Sam Howzit, Flickr
(Originally published on August 14, 2012.)