There is a point early in all of our lives when we just aren’t developed enough to make certain decisions for ourselves. So, it’s up to our parents to make those decisions for us. Unfortunately, this includes the areas of style and grooming. And chances are if your mom thinks it’s cute, then you’re pretty much doomed. We’ve all been through it, so it’s up to us to protect the defenseless children growing up today. Here’s a list of some horrible haircuts that parents need to stop giving their children.
Made popular for dorks everywhere by Moe from The Three Stooges, it’s hard to believe that this kids hairstyle is still making the rounds. The fact that this 'do is prominently featured on Jim Carrey’s head in a film called Dumb & Dumber should be reason enough for parents to turn to any other possible style before this one. Plus, if your kid is fat, it just looks like he got his head stuck while licking the butter from the bottom of a popcorn bowl.
Unless you’ve somehow managed to give birth to a cartoon or a certain famous redheaded late night talk show host, then this is another style to avoid. The only reason to style your child’s hair like this is if he needs those extra couple inches to ride the roller coaster at your local amusement park or he happens to be playing Gozer in his school’s play version of Ghostbusters.
This is obviously a more recent trend, but one that should be stopped immediately. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to actually see your child’s smiling face? On the other hand, if your kid happens to be ridiculously ugly… then by all means, let that hair grow until he looks like a young Cousin It.
Mothers, don’t overly gel your little boy’s hair. It’s just gonna get messed up the minute he leaves your sight anyway. Also, don’t ever use your own saliva to push his bangs out of the way. We’re humans, not cats. Are you yourself ever able to look back at your own elementary school class pictures and not cringe? Didn’t think so. So help your kids out here… Let’s start with not combing your kid’s hair this way. We’ll get to the clip-on tie, the suspenders, and the khaki shorts another time.
Hmmm… I’m not really sure how this one ended up on this list. This is awesome. Everyone should give their babies and young children a Mohawk. Grab those clippers and help make this world a more entertaining place. One badass baby at a time.
If your child is blonde, short, and even slightly portly… please refrain from giving him any type of spikey do. We all love The Simpsons, but none of us want to walk around looking like a live-action version of one of those cartoon bastards. No hairdo from this show should be mimicked in real life unless it’s Halloween. Then again, if you’re going to do it, go all out. Cut off one finger from each of your child’s hands and dye him yellow. Don’t half ass it. The final result would provide endless hours of entertainment for all of us.
Yes, you want you’re child to be safe from harm always. But just because this style has “helmet” in the title doesn’t mean it will provide protection when you’re not around. In fact, you’ll find it does quite the opposite. Send your kid off to school with this hairdo and he will most definitely come home with remnants of toilet water glistening in it.
The name of this style alone should push you away from thinking it’s a cute choice for your child. The Rat Tail is the distant cousin of The Mullet and should only be attached to your child’s head as a punishment. If your kid is bad, make him walk around looking like he’s got a raccoon humping his skull. The shame he experiences during that period will put him on his best behavior for many years to come.
Never. This is never okay. Either go short or go long. Just because you’re indecisive doesn’t mean your kid should have to suffer. Give your child this hairdo and he’s on his way to a life of Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, cow tipping, and greased-pig wrestling… Okay, that actually sounds pretty fun, but the hair still looks horrible.
Originally published on November 11, 2010.