To combat cabin fever, it’s only the most rational idea to make a getaway to any fun-sounding spot closer to the equator. If you’re scouring sites for tickets and thinking an intimate vacay with your girl (or guy) sounds more optimal than the annual spring break bro riot, take these tips to have the best trip.
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Let warmer weather coupled with cold drinks, no work, and, oh yeah, a bed that you won’t be responsible for changing the sheets for be the ultimate trifecta to facilitate hours of physical bonding. Slap-happy experimentation awaits, if you keep up the front that your lady fucking SCORED because she’s with such a rad dude who loves to go on vacation with her (she did!).
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Oh no, Mom Alert: Just slather that SPF on your pasty skin, guys. You may think you’re invincible because of that one time you smoked a whole joint in front of a cop in downtown Chicago and he didn’t do a damn thing. However, your middle class charm and boyish good looks won’t protect you from blistering UV rays. Don’t be that lobster-colored dude who squirms in a bed after lying out on the beach in Miami for the first day of vacation. Your girlfriend will probably feel horrible and smother you with aloe for like two hours. And then she will get annoyed and proceed to hang out by the hotel pool and read magazines. Womp-womp.
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True, one of the best parts of going on vacation is getting completely shitfaced and not worrying about possibly passing out and vomiting at the office the next day. Of course you can drink your ass off with your girlfriend, too — but it should be without a wet t-shirt contest or Joe Francis creeping in the background. Steer clear of spring break hot spots and end-of-March timing. The tit flash in-exchange for a hat can get distracting, she’ll probably get hit on by some greasy dude with an erection, and you both might get roofied. Meeting people while traveling is fun, but the focus on the vacation should being together.
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Who knows — maybe you’re one of those couples who got together in the first place because you agreed that, “At 7:15 a.m. we should wake up, at 7:45 we should have breakfast, and then at 8:23 a.m. we get picked up to go hang-gliding!” Plan adventurous, out-of-the-ordinary activities like snorkeling, sky-diving, or a motorcycle tour, and then cushion these activities with plenty of downtime all around. The least thing you want is to feel stressed about maintaining a jam-packed agenda.
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This is a no brainer: detox on Facebook, texts, Twitter, and no matter how tempted it may be when it’s raining outside.
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Just for a little, little bit. Again, the point of even going on a vacation with your girlfriend in the first place is to spend loads of time together. We all know minutes alone to itch our balls, pick our noses, or have gross thoughts we’re afraid of the people we love detecting is necessary, though. Happily push her to take the hotel’s beach yoga class or get an organic pedicure while you watch ESPN or eat a steak or do whatever men do when they’re alone.
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You’re going to spend way more money than you originally intended, the airline might fuck you sideways like they do to the American population in general, you’ll get a skin-crawling sunburn despite the fact that you used an entire bottle of SPF 100, and your girlfriend might flirt with a sexy-looking French dude. Let’s not also forget the possibility of a natural disaster. Keep calm, and carry on. Those who have the privilege to take a vacation do not deserve the right to complain about slow service at the hotel restaurant. Make the most of your Utopian-like time while you’re there. You might regret complaining when you return to your beige cubicle the following Monday.
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(Previously published on January 10, 2011.)