If movies have done one thing over the years it’s teach people unrealistic and ridiculous notions about relationships and love. But while we’ve come to simply accept some of these tropes (Ugly slob + beautiful lady who has her shit together = love? Somehow?) if only because they are everywhere and we’ve gotten tired of complaining about them, some movie relationships are just too egregious to overlook. And so, in mockery of these brazen attempts to convince people of the ridiculous and in some cases, the outright insulting, here are eight of the most implausible relationships from the movies.
Photo credit: YouTube/Paramount Pictures
The Quick Synopsis – High school senior Joel’s parents go out of town, he meets older prostitute Lana, the two start a brothel together out of his parent’s home, they fall in love and bang on a train, blah blah blah.
Why It’s Implausible – Uh, do I really need to explain this? First of all, he’s a kid. Second of all, she’s a hooker. Third, just read the first of all and second of all parts again. This is basically some horny idiot’s fantasy. In real life, Lana would give Joel crabs, sell his stereo system for crack money and then her pimp would rob the house and force Joel to turn tricks for truckers.
Photo credit: YouTube/Warner Bros.
The Quick Synopsis – Sad sack loser Daniel meets popular and rich Ali, repeatedly gets his ass beat by her ex-boyfriend, learns karate from a creepy old man he spends all his time with, practically stalks her and somehow this results in them falling in love.
Why It’s Implausible – Sure, people from different classes fall in love, but not when one of them is an immature kid who tries to teach himself karate like Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, whose only friend is a weird old Japanese man and who spends most of his life getting the shit beaten out of him by every other dude in school. It just wouldn’t happen. In real life, Ali would probably feel sorry for Daniel and maybe she’d tell her ex to leave the weird, smelly kid alone but there’s no way she’d fall in love with him. Also, in real life Miyagi would be arrested for corrupting young Daniel but that’s another story.
Photo credit: YouTube/Columbia Pictures
The Quick Synopsis – Rich girl Rose meets poor urchin Jack aboard the good ship Titanic and they fall in love. The boat sinks and he freezes to death in the Atlantic while she chills on a piece of wood.
Why It’s Implausible – The only realistic scene in the whole movie is the one where she just lets him tread water until he freezes to death. Look, Rose wasn’t just rich, she was the sort of sheltered rich that spends their whole life hating and fearing poor dudes like Jack as if they were zombie hordes out to steal their jewels and eat their brains. At best she might bone down with Jack as a way of rebelling against her stuffy parents. But there’s no way she’d just meet the dude on a boat and fall completely in love. She’d just never be able to let her guard down long enough to let it happen. In real life, he’d spit game at her and she’d be all “Eeeewww” and then she’d have one of her family’s servants rough Jack up. And then after the boat sank she’d fashion a makeshift raft out of the frozen bodies of Jack and the rest of the riff-raff.
Photo credit: YouTube/Paramount Pictures
The Quick Synopsis – Dorky teenager Scott, a dude with basically nothing going for him, lusts after bombshell Pamela, who wants nothing to do with him. At least not until he becomes a werewolf who can dunk a basketball. Then she dumps her boyfriend and bangs Scott because hey, why not?
Why It’s Implausible – Well, he’s a werewolf. I’m guessing that if she didn’t want have anything to do with him as a dude, then she probably won’t want to jump him once he turns into a dog. Just a hunch. Then again, maybe she is a zoophile. Who knows? I won’t even talk about what would happen in real life because this is a movie about a werewolf who plays basketball like LeBron James so, uh… yeah, let’s just move on.
Photo credit: YouTube/Atlantic Releasing Corporation
The Quick Synopsis – Gin, played by the young and gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones, works in insurance or some such thing and gets tangled up with professional thief Mac, played by the ancient Sean Connery. Hijinks and romance ensue.
Why It’s Implausible – Catherine Zeta Jones was 29 when this movie was made. Sean Connery was 69. In real life, he’d try to get with her, break a hip and she’d file a restraining order and tell all her friends about the creepy old man who hit on her. They’d all make the requisite “Eeeewww!” noises, drink a bunch of Margaritas and by the next day none of them would remember he even existed. Then again, in real life Catherine Zeta Jones married the ancient and creepy Michael Douglas so, uh, maybe this isn’t that implausible after all.
Photo credit: YouTube/20th Century Fox
The Quick Synopsis – Obscenely wealthy and lonely Edward picks up prostitute Vivian on a whim, falls in love with her and then spends a bunch of money trying to class her up. She falls in love with him because hey, money! And then they live happily ever after.
Why It’s Implausible – This one is implausible on a number of levels. First of all, the idea that some uber-rich dude would realize that a prostitute is a human being and not just a humanoid humping post is pretty farfetched. Second, most prostitutes aren’t in the business of falling in love and she’d just think he was gross and pathetic. Third, it’s basically just some sad male fantasy about “rescuing” the poor prostitute, “saving” her from of a life of degradation and then parading her around like his latest rescued business venture. It’s pretty gross you guys. In real life, Edward would spend six minutes banging her missionary style, he’d “forget” to pay her and then he’d have her pimp murdered when he came to collect. Then he’d sell her to a Saudi prince and make jokes with his asshole friends about liquidating assets.
Photo credit: YouTube/Buena Vista Pictures
The Quick Synopsis – Nerdy and aggressively neurotic Woody spends two hours complaining and trying to figure out how to keep his relationship with a beautiful woman from falling apart. He acts like the world’s most annoying asshole and she tolerates him because, uh… well… you’ve got me.
Why It’s Implausible – He’s Woody Allen and he’s all sorts of gross. There would be no “in real life” because in real life none of these women would deign to even speak to his gnomish ass. And if by some miracle they did sleep with him, they’d spend the next month setting fire to their vaginas while filing countless restraining orders.
Photo credit: YouTube/United Artists
The Quick Synopsis – Comic book artist Holden meets beautiful Alyssa and falls in love with her. The only problem? She’s a lesbian. But don’t fret because he turns her! Yeah.
Why It’s Implausible – Uh, because she’s gay? Not only is it implausible, it’s really, really insulting. It’s that old male fantasy about being able to “turn” the hot lesbian with the magic power of the penis. In real life, they’d meet, he’d get drunk and try to make an awkward move, she’d put the stiff-arm on him and that would be that. His friends would all laugh at him for trying to “turn” her like a vampire or something and she’d wonder why she can’t just live her life without people, you know, respecting her as a human being who makes her own choices. So good times all around!
Photo credit: YouTube/Miramax Films
(Previously published on January 4, 2013.)