13 obnoxious workout partners you might be compatible with

by 7 years ago  •  4 Comments
Obnoxious Workout Partners

BenLucier, Flickr

The gym might look like a nice easy-going facility that promotes health and fitness, but it’s really a battlefield that’s going on in here (yes, point at your own heart). You need to team up with a work out partner that will help you get through each session without incurring any injuries and keeping you motivated. Here is a list of 13 types of people you’ll find at the gym. Some of them might lower your morale while others will take you to a Schwarzenegger-like Mecca.

Note: The best way to use this guide is to identify yourself from within this lineup and find your ideal match. You might be able to combine some of these types and that’s fine. Use your judgment, I can’t hold your hand through this.

Photo credit: BenLucier, Flickr

13 The Sissy
“I… can’t!”

When they say humans only use 10% of their potential, they were talking about this guy. He has given up before he started and will either bring you down with him or, in a twisted way, motivate you to push harder. Either way, don’t trust him to be your spotter, unless you like being pinned under heavy things.

Compatible with Drill Sergeant.

12 Seasonal
“Man, I haven’t been here in months!”

Flocks of these types pop up in the gym every time the weather warms up. Initially, it’s nice to see others get in the spirit. But when the line for that machine resembles something out of a theme park, you count down the six or seven days it takes for their laziness to get the best of them. Partner up with this type if you want to experience what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad.

Compatible with other Seasonals.

11 Sweaty Guy
“Sorry bro, I’m dripping.”

Some people just sweat more than others. It’s not their fault. At the same time, objects are slippery when wet, so make sure you wipe down anything your partner hands to you, no homo.

Compatible with Video Trainer.

10 DMX

Letting out a nice guttural yelp will get you through that last rep. It’s the reason why martial artists yell, “hi-yah!”. The problem with this technique is that it’s distracting to everybody else in the gym. Hence the unwritten rule that says you can only be as loud as you are big. Expect stares.

Compatible with Drill Sergeant.

9 Richard Simmons
“Come on buddy, you can do it!”

Overly positive reinforcement might not get you to peak physical shape, but it will do wonders for your self esteem. And isn’t that what exercise is all about? (It’s not.)

Compatible with The Sissy.

8 iPhone Kid
“Hold on, let me just update this. By the way, want to see something incredible?”

Nowadays, every other person with a smart phone is tapping away at their screen while working out. The upside, they might have one of those nifty fitness apps that allow you to maximize your workout. Most likely, they’re probably on Twitter or Facebook, updating their status about how you couldn’t lift X amount of pounds.

Compatible with Muscle Facts.

7 Frat Boy
“You smell that protein fart bro?!”

These guys travel in packs and can be recognized immediately by their wife-beaters and visors. If for some reason you can’t see them, you will definitely hear them; grunts, high fives, and the play-by-play on that chick working the Thighmaster.

Compatible with Juice Head.

6 Muscle Facts
(interrupting) “That’s bullshit, what you want to do is combine the fish oil and ball sack echinacea. Well, that’s if you really want to get anabolic.”

The problem with the know-it-all’s of the gym isn’t that there are too many of them with conflicting information. It’s just that they’re so willing to share what they read on bodybuilding.com that they’ll just interrupt any conversation to throw in their little two cents as if it were law. Work out with this type long enough and you will become one by default.

Compatible with anybody but another Muscle Facts.

5 Jacked Jill
(Concentrated breathing while you watch in astonishment.)

This workout buddy doesn’t necessarily have to be a girl. It’s basically anybody you think should be weaker than you, doing double whatever you’re doing. It’s motivational as a wake up call or a success story of where you can be. Usually, they’re great partners because they come from humble beginnings. But once in a while they’ll say something slick to pump you up or simply because they can.

Compatible with The Sissy.

4 Juice Head
“Can you get me in the ass later?” (gesturing at syringe)

If you can look past the illegal substances, the constant flexing in the mirror, and the occasional ‘dude, I think I shit myself’; the juice head will inspire you with his incredible machine racking abilities. Just say no.

Compatible with Frat Boy.

3 The Gold Medalist
“Alright, good stuff. But watch me do more than that”

This is that same kid from elementary school who always insisted on racing to wherever. Now that you’re both grown up, he wants to turn every exercise into a competition. As annoying as that may be, it’s also one of the best ways to get in shape or get brolic. Just make sure you guys start off with similar body types and strengths or it can easily become one drawn out marathon of humiliation.

Compatible with Xena.

2 Drill Sergeant
“If you can cry, you can push!”

The drill sergeant might not look like R. Lee Ermey (famed drill sergeant from the movie Full Metal Jacket), but he’s got the same hard-ass remarks, designed to bring you to glorious heights through shame and suffering.

Compatible with all the above.

1 Video Trainer
“Although, I have no way of knowing, you’re doing great! Now pop in DVD number two for our next exercise.”

If none of the above options appeal to you (or you’re misanthropic), you might be better off staying at home and working out with a guy in a video. It’s a lonely and quite silly looking process, but many people seem to get results.

Compatible with all the above.

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