11 people you see at a rock concert

by 5 years ago
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people at a rock concert

motumboe, Flickr

The best part about going to a concert is that getting to see a lot of kick-ass music live. The worst part is all the other people. The typical concert is unique in that there is perhaps no other setting that forces you to interact on such a close, personal level. It’s crowded, it’s cramped, it’s hot, it’s sweaty and you can’t just run away. No, you pretty much just have to sit there and deal with it. Well that’s where we come in. In order to survive your concert experience with both your sanity and physical well-being intact, you need to get to know and understand the following eleven types of people you meet at a rock concert, because as a wise man once said, knowing is half the battle.

Photo credit: motumboe, Flickr


mjcrodez, Flickr

Also known as “the critic,” the expert is the dude who tries to pretend he’s above such petty things as human emotions. He’ll watch passively, making snarky asides to anyone who will listen about why the live version isn’t as good and he’ll point out every single mistake the band makes, and then he’ll whine because the band is just playing the hits and not the rare stuff that only he knows because, as he’ll be sure to point out, he knows people. If he’s on the job, he might make some notes, but chances are he’s not a journalist but just an asshole with a sad little life trying to seem like he’s got access to mystical information that the lowly plebes couldn’t possibly understand. If you see this dude, do not make eye contact because he will take this as an invitation to nag you all night long.

Photo credit: mjcrodez, Flickr


mjcrodez, Flickr

There are different variations of the typical rock concert couple. Some are equally into it and these couples tend to manifest themselves as just regular fans and you don’t need to worry too much about them. But some have a dude or lady dude who is just there to indulge their significant other. These types can be dangerous because they get bored easily and threaten to suck the energy out of the room, especially if they start whining about every little damn thing. And then there are the lovestruck couples who just hold hands all night and make everyone around them vaguely uncomfortable because they act like the entire concert is their own personal space and will do any damn thing their hormones tell them to. But the one to really watch out for is the couple with the possessive boyfriend. This dude is just looking for any excuse to fight someone and if he thinks you are even looking at his girlfriend, he will get hyper-aggressive with you. In general, a good rule of thumb is to give the couple – no matter the type – their space, which is tough to do at a concert but just do your best and remember, everyone else hates them too.

Photo credit: mjcrodez, Flickr

T-shirt King

rileyroxx, Flickr

This dude is easy to identify, since he’ll be wearing the tee-shirt of the band you’re both there to see. It’s a good thing you can identify him too because this dude is likely a massive tool. He will almost always be overly enthusiastic and will ask you stupid questions all night trying to prove that enthusiasm. He’s the dude at the Metallica concert who thinks the Black Album was the best thing ever. Special “stay the hell away” points go to the dude who is wearing not only the tee-shirt of the band he’s seeing but one for that very concert. You just don’t do that, and if he doesn’t understand that, well… then that’s a sure sign you’re dealing with a rube.

Photo credit: rileyroxx, Flickr


the_toe_stubber, Flickr

Sure, you’re probably not sober either but this dude is just hammered. He’s loud, he stumbles into everyone and at some point in the night he’s going to puke all over someone. Just make sure it isn’t you. But before that happens, you still don’t want to be around this dude because concerts + drunk dudes = unbelievably obnoxious. The atmosphere makes them scream incoherently all night long and they don’t mind rubbing up against you with their sweat soaked bodies. He’ll think you’re best friends and he’ll get right in your face and yell whatever stupid shit crosses his booze-soaked brain, and… ugh. Just… ugh. If you see this dude make sure there is at least two or three people between the two of you. It’s for your own safety, I promise.

Photo credit: the_toe_stubber, Flickr


-Tripp-, Flickr

Yes, at every concert there is the one jackass who, during a lull, will scream this out. It happens every time. And then he laughs and laughs while everyone else groans and the band wishes he were dead. Don’t be this dude.

Photo credit: -Tripp-, Flickr


alainalele, Flickr

This idiot doesn’t understand that it’s not 1994 and will spend the entire concert trying to mosh with everyone around him. Eventually security will come and drag him away in a chokehold but until then you have to deal with some asshole trying to slam his body into you at every available opportunity. If you’re feeling adventurous, you might slip a few kidney punches in there or a surreptitious nut-shot. You know, just to keep him in line. But really, just like with the drunk dude – and a lot of times they are the same guy – you want to get some distance between you.

Photo credit: alainalele, Flickr


mjcrodez, Flickr

This guy is roughly 1,000 years older than everybody else. He’s mostly harmless but it can be cringe inducing to see him try to desperately hang onto his youth. The only thing you have to worry about here is second-hand embarrassment. Unless, of course you find yourself right next to him, in which case you’ll get to hear all about every concert he ever attended back in the Stone Age, or why today’s concerts just aren’t as good as they were “back in the day.” He’ll bitch about the state of modern rock and he’ll tell you he feels bad for you and by the end of the night you’ll have to deal with the fact that you want to punch an old man in the throat.

Photo credit: mjcrodez, Flickr


mjcrodez, Flickr

This mysterious dude spends the entire concert with his hands in his pockets, staring intensely at the stage. You don’t know whether he’s a huge fan or whether he plans on massacring everyone in the middle of the show. The good news is that he won’t bother you. The bad news is that, well, he might end up wearing your head for a hat while he flees from the cops later that night. You’ve got to take the good with the bad I guess.

Photo credit: mjcrodez, Flickr


mjtmail (tiggy), Flickr

Oh God, this asshole is just the worst. He – or she, we believe in equality here – will spend the entire concert screaming like an idiot. It doesn’t matter if the band is playing or not. They will just scream themselves stupid, like they were just waiting for any excuse to do so. It’s fine to make some noise – if you don’t make any noise, you’re kind of being a downer – but there’s a fine line, you know? If at some point in the night your vocal chords start bleeding and everyone around you looks like they want to smash your face with a brick after the show, it might be time to take it down a notch or two or ten.

Photo credit: mjtmail (tiggy), Flickr


mauren veras, Flickr

This chick – or man chick, again, let’s not discriminate – is the one who spends all her time near the stage, staring dreamily at the band. During a song she might try to touch one of them and if she succeeds, she may very well hyperventilate right in front of you and freak out like a mental patient. The good news is that she’s so focused on her beloved band that she won’t bother you at all. The bad news is that if you get in her way she very well might tear off your arms and beat you to death with them. Laugh at this fool from a safe distance.

Photo credit: mauren veras, Flickr


Martin Pettit, Flickr

This is the absolute last person you want to be stuck by during a concert. For some reason, they’ve become convinced that a concert is the same thing as karaoke. They will spend the entire concert singing off-key at the top of their lungs along with the music and they will ruin the entire experience for you. Most of the time, this idiot is the same person as The Screamer and by the time the concert is over you will be fantasizing about reaching down their throat and tearing out their vocal chords. And as a special bonus, you will hear their nails on a chalkboard warbling cat in pain voice for the next several days. It will echo through your brain until you seriously consider taking a power drill to your temple. Anything to get rid of it. Eventually this will go away but the bad news is that this person can – and will – ruin the entire concert. Do everything you possibly can to get away. And then maybe, just maybe, you can survive the night. Unless, of course, you run into one of the other terrifying souls on this list. But as they say, life is a battlefield and only the strong will survive. I believe in you.

Photo credit: Martin Pettit, Flickr

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