People pick their pet for a variety of reasons. Mostly, it’s out of pure love, but sometimes it’s because they think that pet says something about them. And it does, but it’s not always what they think. And so for your personal guidance, and for the good of animals everywhere, we tell you just what it is that your beloved pet says about you.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re just a little bit quirky, and maybe even a little exotic. And you think that, somehow, that giant fish-tank and all those fish websites you have bookmarked make you look like a lover of the ocean’s vast wildlife.
What It Really Says About You: That you might literally be a lover of the ocean’s vast wildlife. You like collecting things, and fish are just your latest craze, and one day someone will find a bunch of fish skeletons buried in your attic next to your baseball cards, boxes full of Beanie Babies, and your sanity.
What You Think It Says About You: That you value wisdom, and the sort of quiet dignity associated with an aged turtle. You like that it makes you look a little offbeat, and you think it proves that you’re friendly and caring with a sense of childlike wonder.
What It Really Says About You: You play chess with your turtle every Saturday night, you tell him about your problems and you pretend he tells you about yours. You don’t look friendly and caring so much as possibly slow, and that childlike wonder feels more like the creepy social retardation of a perpetual man-child. Also, you probably smell like Vaseline and sadness.
What You Think It Says About You: That you have the spirit of an adventurous pirate, and that you obviously have a sense of humor because listen to what you taught your bird to say! Just listen! Did you hear him? Did you? Did you?
What It Really Says About You: That you’re lonely and possibly a little psychotic since you obviously spent hours teaching your bird to say “butt” over and over and over again. Also, you are totally cool with a pet who will crap on your shoulder and peck out your eyeballs while you sleep. Oh, and you hate all your friends and anyone else unlucky enough to be trapped in your place with Squawky McGee there and his case of Tourette’s.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re a badass rockstar like Slash, that you own a motorcycle, and that you’re wiiiiild!
What It Really Says About You: That you really, really want people to believe all of the above, but you’re actually an accountant with a subscription to a Harley magazine even though the only time you ever tried to ride you fell into a ditch and had to be rescued by a teenager on a moped. You play a really shitty version of “Stairway to Heaven” every Wednesday night at the guitar store, but never actually buy anything.
What You Think It Says About You: That you are a wild, untamable spirit who yearns to run wild and free under a vast blue sky. You think it shows that you are in tune with nature and both respect and appreciate a simpler age in which the stately horse was a nobler answer to the brash steam engine.
What It Really Says About You: That you have the mental and emotional sophistication of a 12 year old girl, and you spend all your free time making crafts and planning hay rides. You watch horse movies and cry the whole time, and you have fantasized about your horse talking to you like Mr. Ed. You accidentally touched your horse’s penis once. At least you tell yourself it was an accident.
What You Think It Says About You: That you have a playful and whimsical spirit. You’re a little odd, but in a cool, edgy way.
What It Really Says About You: That you’re a goddamn hipster. And that you’ve probably had to take at least one “Richard Gere” trip to the hospital.
What You Think It Says About You: That you are unique, and have probably been to mysterious and exotic places. You are too sophisticated for a regular pet, and can only accept living with a pet who “challenges” you.
What It Really Says About You: That you probably have some sort of weird, dormant Ebola like disease. You enjoy slowly creeping the streets with him, hoping that someone will stop you and ask you about your monkey because you are desperately lonely, and can’t stand one more night spent watching porn with Bobo and barely resisting the urge to get him to jack you off. Except for that one time, which ended up with you in the hospital and a zoo getting temporary custody of Bobo.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re dangerous, like the snake guy kicked up a few notches. Also, that no one will ever mess with you or your home because you’re the sort of badass dude who’s wild and crazy enough to keep a gator for protection.
What It Really Says About You: Again, that you really, really want people to think all of the above. No one will ever mess with you or your home because “Eeew, that weird dude has an alligator” and that home of yours is probably a shack filled with shit nobody wants. You live in Florida.
What You Think It Says About You: That you aren’t needy like all those dog people, and you and your cat respect each other enough to be able to keep your distance.
What It Really Says About You: “Oh God, I’m so lonely. So terribly lonely.” You don’t mind having a pet that poops in a box because let’s face it, you’ve probably pooped in a box before because it was easier than trying to find a path to the toilet through the mountain of trash you’ve accumulated, you shut-in.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re the baddest son of a bitch on the planet.
What It Really Says About You: You set a world record for most times watching Scarface, and once got a letter from Al Pacino. Of course, that letter was actually a cease and desist notice from his lawyers advising you that further contact would result in a restraining order, but people don’t need to know all the details. You once bit a man’s ear off on live TV.
What You Think It Says About You: That you’re loving, and don’t think of your dog as your pet, but a combo of your child and your best friend. Other pet owners just aren’t willing to commit.
What It Really Says About You: That [at this point, Neil was attacked by a mob of dog owners because you don’t ever say a bad thing about dogs or their owners. Ever. Do you hate America?]