People love to drink. You love to drink, I love to drink, your parents love to drink, your kids love to drink, your… you get the point. But what you drink can say a lot about you. You might not be aware of it, but it’s true. Every time you order a certain drink at the bar, it immediately tells the people around you something about yourself. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and maybe so, but your choice of booze is at least the puke splattered peep-hole to the soul. It is with that in mind, we bring you this: 12 popular drink orders and what they say about you.
What It Says About You: That you’re kind of boring. But hey, that’s okay. Boring gets the job done. Boring is dependable. You like to play it safe, you stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to (you’re goddamn right I just quoted TLC), and that at the end of the day, you just want to get a solid buzz on, go home, have missionary position sex with the wife for four and a half minutes and then roll over and wait for your alarm to go off. It’s a comfortable life, a safe life, just like your beer.
What It Says About You: That you are probably think that ordering a Margarita will make it look like you know how to have a good time. You’re probably an office worker or maybe a kindergarten teacher or something like that, and while most of the time you’re buttoned down and fairly repressed, once you get a few margaritas in you, you’re suddenly an incoherent mess, and you’ll probably sloppily come on to a co-worker and then spend the rest of the night vomiting and crying while he holds your hair and promises that he think you’re pretty and that he doesn’t think you’re “a skank.”
What It Says About You: It depends on your age. If you’re older, it says that you’re probably a bit of an asshole – an asshole with refined tastes, but likely an asshole all the same. If you’re younger, it says that you’re probably also an asshole, but an apprentice asshole, that you are either trying to impress someone or that you desperately want to be a professional asshole. You are charming – or at least you think you are, maybe a bit broody and you probably have subscriptions to both GQ and Playboy, which you claim to read for the articles.
What It Says About You: That you’re desperate to make people think that you are a man of the world. You look down on people who drink domestic beer and you think that you’re the most interesting man in the world. You’re not, but that’s okay. You claim to drink because you like to savor the experience, that you like the taste, and that drinking is serious business, but really you just want to get a good buzz on, go home, get a perfunctory blowjob from the girlfriend, then roll over and wait for your alarm to go off. In five years you will be the domestic beer drinker.
What It Says About You: It really depends on the type of wine, but in general it says that you are a little older, that you think of yourself as slightly classier, and that you probably are a secret alcoholic but it totally doesn’t count because, like you tell everyone, wine is just classier. You have at least a couple of glasses every night, definitely with dinner, and one or two to “wind down.” The amount grows every few years. You probably tell people that you can’t stand beer because it makes you feel bloated or that you have some sort of weird allergy and whenever anyone dares broach the subject of your chronic drinking you get defensive and start rattling off wine’s health benefits.
What It Says About You: That you either have absolutely no imagination or that you’re nineteen, have a fake ID and don’t know what else to order. Or that you can’t stand the taste of alcohol, but want to get drunk anyway. You probably drink wine coolers at house parties and you once got totally wasted off of, like, a whole case of Zima (reality: you drank four of them.) Your sorority sisters are the coolest bunch of bitches that you’ve ever met and ohmygosh you guys, you’ll be friends forever, except for Courtney who’s a for real – FOR REAL YOU GUYS – bitch. You’ll marry Domestic Beer Guy and eventually turn into Wine Lady.
What It Says About You: Like Scotch Guy (or Girl, let’s not be presumptuous here), you think this makes you look classy but it kind of makes you look like an asshole. You want people to look at you and see James Bond. You think of yourself as refined and probably think you’re a broody introvert but everyone else knows that you’re an extrovert who’s desperate for attention. You’re classy and in control of yourself, but mostly because you try really, really hard. Everything you do is studied, measured, and you won’t be the one having your hair held at the end of the night, but you will be the one rolling your eyes, holding someone else’s hair with one hand and your martini in the other.
What It Says About You: That you are basically the hard liquor version of the Domestic Beer drinker. You lack imagination and are loathe to step outside of your comfort zone. You don’t drink all the time but when you do it’s to get drunk. You can’t stand the taste of alcohol and so you need something to mask it. This is the first thing you ever drank and so now it is the only thing you will drink until the day you die. People think you’re kind of boring but you don’t care, you’re happy, or at least something like it.
What It Says About You: That, like the Rum and Coke drinker, this is probably the first thing you ever drank and so you are just comfortable with it. Your dad probably drank Gin and Tonics and so there is something comforting in it to you. Either that or you for some unfathomable reason enjoy drinking something that tastes so awful that it causes lockjaw. Either way. In any case, you’re probably slightly more refined than the Rum and Coke crowd – or at least that’s how you see yourself – but not as snobby as the Martini crowd. Congrats?
What It Says About You: That you just want to have a good time, damn the consequences. You probably like both rock and roll and country music and you have an autographed framed picture of you and Kid Rock. You’re kind of trashy but you don’t give a shit, which means that people both look down on you and are kind of jealous of your ability to just put it all out there. You have tickets to the Mötley Crüe reunion concert and can’t wait to flash your tits at Tommy Lee. You tell people that NASCAR is totally a sport even though the only driver you know is Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
What It Says About You: That your dream is to open your own microbrewery in Vermont. You are like the Imported Beer drinker on steroids. You think your beer makes you look more interesting and the stronger the taste the better. Drinking is an art to you, and you’re very likely a pretentious asshat. You are comfortably middle class, have never had to worry about much of anything and will join your dad’s law firm after two years of trying to be an artist in upstate New York. You have microbrew posters on your wall and like to tell people that you went to both Coachella and Bonnaroo before they became popular. You’re single and don’t believe in the “institution of marriage.”
What It Says About You: Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Repeat for 4-6 hours.)
(Previously published on June 30, 2013.)