Some of the most popular movie heroes in all of Hollywood seem like they would probably make pretty cool friends. After all, they’re larger than life, they always have something funny to say and they usually get the good women. But in real life, all of those things would actually make them terrible friends. You would not want to hang out with them or else you’d end up either kidnapped, dead, thoroughly emasculated or all of the above. The good thing is that you have us here at Guyism to guide you in case you, uh, well in case you ever get magically sucked into a movie. If that happens – and I know enough of you probably do enough drugs that this is a distinct possibility – here are seven popular movie heroes you absolutely would not want to be friends with.
Everyone loves Bluto. He’s an icon. He’s the ultimate party animal, a force of nature who can be a powerful weapon for the forces of fun. But the flipside of that is that he’s, uh, he’s a little tough to control. Sure, you might think he’s the coolest dude alive while you’re both chugging bottles of Jack and hounding cheerleaders but then morning comes and so does the hangover, and there he still is smashing guitars, stealing your car and destroying everything in his path. Hang around this dude long enough and you will probably end up in jail. At best, you will probably be destitute, spending your days in court and your nights working some thankless night shift job just so you can get extra money to pay off all the property damage he’s caused. And that’s the best case scenario. At worst, well, let’s face it, this is the type of dude who would get you killed after drunkenly daring you to ride a homemade rocket across the Grand Canyon.
Sure, Axel Foley of Beverly Hills Cop fame seems like he would be a pretty cool dude to hang out with. He’s smart, he’s funny, he owns a gun and, as the man himself is fond of saying, he wasn’t always a cop. This is a dude who knows how to party. The problem is this: every single one of the Beverly Hills Cop movies starts off with one of his friends getting shot. Those are not the sort of odds you want to play. Besides, even if you do manage to escape the opening credits without getting your head blown off, you still have to deal with Axel himself, and Axel really, really doesn’t mind making his friends’ lives a living hell if it means getting what he wants. He’ll lie to you, stick you with stolen merchandise, ruin your career and then he’ll just laugh at you. Frankly, the man is an asshole. You deserve better.
Yeah, he’s a rich genius who knows lots of chicks who are freaks and he’d probably let you stay at his mansion rent free (just pretend you have super mutant drinking powers or the ability to poop ice cream or something) but trust me, it won’t be a lot of fun when he’s rolling around behind you all day reading your mind. And if I know you – and I think I do – you really, really don’t want some old guy reading the sort of degenerate thoughts you’ve got going on in there. One minute you’re watching old Golden Girls reruns together in the mansion and the next he’s looking at you all funny and then mocking you because you just imagined Bea Arthur naked. And forget about playing poker with him. When he tells you he thinks you’re bluffing, he friggin’ knows you’re full of shit. Besides, there’s also the fact that at some point some freaky mutant is probably gonna tear through the place, raising hell or telepathically exploding the fillings in your teeth all because of some longstanding grudge with ol’ Chuck and really, who needs the hassle?
Really, this goes for just about every superhero. At some point, you’re gonna be terrorized by a super villain. You just are. Get used to it. But I picked Bruce Wayne because the man can’t so much as throw a simple party without some freak crashing it and either burning the place down or threatening to slit everyone’s throat after robbing everybody. Look, we’ve all partied in some seedy places but you shouldn’t have to worry for your life every time you just want to hang out with your buddy, you know? Besides, even if things went smoothly, there would always be this elephant in the room: why does Bruce keep a young boy named Robin holed up in the cave underneath his house? You don’t need to be involved with anything like that. The best case scenario is that you’d end up being a witness for the prosecution and we all know how that shit goes in Gotham City. The worst case scenario is too terrible to even talk about here but it involves walking in on Bruce in his bat costume, a hysterical and naked Alfred holding a gun and Robin lying dead in a pool of blood. And I haven’t even mentioned that the dude looks suspiciously like notorious psychopath Patrick Bateman. Just… just stay away.
Luke might seem like a good guy but let’s look at the facts, shall we? First of all, the dude has some serious daddy issues. Those types are always more emotionally volatile than they seem, and given the fact that his dad is Darth frickin’ Vader, those are not emotions you want to be messing around with. Second, the guy is a goddamn hate magnet. Wherever he goes, people are trying to start shit with him. Storm Troopers show up and kill his whole family, a bunch of assholes try to beat him down only moments after he walks into a bar and his own dad chases him across the universe and attacks a whole planet just so he can give the boy some discipline. Not fun. Third, Luke’s kind of a whiney little dipshit. No one likes him. He’s that dude who’s always hanging around causing problems, a little too earnest for his own good. Plus he’s got some weird old man following him around yammering about some mystical bullshit that sounds like some sort of Scientology rap and the only girl he’s ever made out with is his own sister. Shit, forget about being friends with him. I’d join the Empire just to get a shot at beating him down.
If you’re an asshole like me you might see some upsides to hanging around with ol’ Gump – he’s incredibly lucky and chances are he’d get rich off of some dumbass scheme while you were hanging out with him and since he’s a retard it’d probably be easy to scam him out of his millions. Look, these are strange and terrible times and we all have to do what we can to get by. I won’t apologize for it. But here’s the thing: if you hang around with Gump long enough chances are you’ll end up getting shot to death by the Vietcong, getting your legs blown off or dying of AIDS. Every single friend the man has ever had has met some terrible misfortune. Besides, after a while it would be humiliating hanging around with Gump. The man has an IQ of a peanut and yet he’d miraculously be able to do everything better than you. Women would just think he’s the strong, silent type and hang all over him while he thought about chocolates and shoes and all you could do is hang out in the background and try to explain why you couldn’t beat a retarded dude in a game of one on one basketball at the park earlier. It’s just not worth it.
Indiana Jones seems like he’d be a good guy to hang around with, right? I mean, he’s smart but not pretentious. He’s blue collar enough to enjoy a beer with and watch the game and you just know that he could be the best wingman in history. In short, he seems like the perfect dude to be best friends with. On the other hand, you’d end up getting shot in the back by hostile natives, running through the desert being chased by Nazis, kidnapped and tied up in some castle somewhere, taken for human sacrifice by an Indian cult, or thrown out of an airplane with only a life-raft to break your fall. In short, sooner or later, you are gonna die. Getting sucked into Indiana Jones’ wild life is an almost surefire recipe for terror and madness. To hell with that. That’s just too much and that’s why Indiana Jones is number one on this list.