Is it the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean? This eternal and thought-provoking question has been passed down from generation to generation and it focuses on man's desire to have the third leg of a tri-pod, rather than a fresh fall acorn attached to his crotchoidial area. Certainly there are reasons for the whole well-endowed, "bigger is better" argument, but there are also some things that make sporting a massive glockenspiel downright frustrating. Thoughts?
Photo credit: woodleywonderworks, Flickr
Guys with tadpoles need to know how to f&ck way more than guys with flagpoles. If a guy's got a wang that's thicker than the base of a Coke can, all he's gotta do is sit there and let it do all the work for him, right? Nope, the vagina is only one of many erogenous zones on a woman's body and it'll take more than an over-sized crotch-limb to love her fully and completely.
Photo credit: Cali4beach, Flickr
Whether it's too long or too thick, you're going to hurt her at some point. The average vaginal canal is only 5.8" deep when she's aroused, so slap a tape measure on your junk and do the math. Then use a protractor, a bubble level and a scientific calculator, just to be certain. By the way, hurting the lady's lady-parts means ixnay on the uttbay-exsay or eepday-roat-thay unless she's particularly gifted and uh...durable.
Photo credit: Sara G..., Flickr
If you're a regular ol' wang Johnson, then women will talk about it and word will get around. Pretty soon, you're going to be just a sweet-sweet piece of meat-meat to be taken out for a test drive. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome... What may not be awesome, though, is trying to suss out which women are using you for your imposing man-member and which ones actually like you for your personality. Okay...again, women using men for sex sounds awesome. I'm not sure how this made it onto the list.
Photo credit: modomatic, Flickr
Hell hath no fury like a pencil-penised man, forever scorned by the genetic short straw. Ever heard of penis envy? Try avoiding that while at a public urinal.
Photo credit: Derrick Coetzee, Flickr
Say you're in middle school and you've been called up to the blackboard to work out a long division problem. Then, all of a sudden you have a long division problem multiplying in your pants because you're so nervous. If you had a short-stack, your classmates might not notice. But if you're all rooty tooty fresh 'n' fruity down there, then you may be making a very visual statement to the entire class. I'm not sure why I used both math and pancakes as euphemisms, but now I want to go to IHOP.
Photo credit: Queque*, Flickr
Whether you're doing a dance routine and rotating it like a phallic pinwheel or getting it caught in your zipper because you didn't take your time rolling it up like a fire-hose first before tucking it away, being the owner of impressive dickkery is not easy to manage. You'll have to be extraordinarily vigilant to go a lifetime without There's Something About Mary-themed accidents happening.
Photo credit: indi.ca, Flickr
(Previously published on November 2, 2012.)