9 signs you may officially be broke

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danielmoyle, Flickr

The United States is a place that is defined by creating differences amongst its residents, then those individuals taking a hard-lined approach to all of those who oppose their inherent views. Whether that’s issues of political stance, religious disposition or sexual orientation, these are the differentiations that have left us as a fractured society. With that being said, there’s the 99 percent, a group that has to agree on one thing: we’re all pretty worried about the money that’s going out quicker than it’s coming in. While there are varying degrees of being broke, here are nine signs that you might already be there.

Photo Credit: danielmoyle, Flickr

There you are, anxiously awaiting the mailman to show up with your welfare check so that you can take the only girl who can stand you, out to Sizzler for a romantic rendezvous. We goin’ Sizzler. We goin’ Sizzler!

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with purchasing things from the dollar store, although the thought of buying things with an expiration date on them at a place where they have Halloween costumes year round seems like you could be playing with fire. But bargain bin shopping at the dollar store; rock bottom. There’s nothing like bringing up a pair of irregular jeans to the clerk and asking if they have them in a 32… cents.

You’re surely in a sad economic state when you’re interested in donating your seed to a woman who camps out at something that looks like a lemonade stand, and exchanges pennies for your precious swimmers. There’s rock bottom, and then there’s using your rock hard erection to try and solve your financial problems at a place where you probably shouldn’t be procuring the yogurt.

While a nasty thought, a person who is broke isn’t necessarily out of things to wipe their ass with; they’re just out of things that you’re supposed to use. From In-N-Out napkins to receipts from Papa John’s, cleanliness is next to brokenness.

Just because you’re broke, doesn’t mean you don’t have the desire to be entertained and informed as to what is popular in the media. But with the average ticket price to the movies set at the cost of at least three value meals at various fast food joints, a broke person has to adapt. That’s where the bootlegger comes in. Sure, the copies of the movies he has might have a curious plot twist in it, where suddenly a person stands up and says, “I’m going to the bathroom,” it’s better than nothing. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern, filmed on an old JVC camcorder.

If you’re broke, but stable enough to shop at a grocery store where they carry name brand products, inevitably you’ll pause in the frozen food aisle and gawk at the Hungry Man dinners. Since you’re broke, you want as much bang for you buck, and Hungry Man literally advertises that there is a “pound of food” inside that greasy box. When you’re financially struggling, it’s wise to think of food choices like they’re bowling balls. It needs to be heavy enough to satiate those hunger pains for days.

They don’t take them. Trust me. Plus, even if they did, would you want to get serviced as a group watched? I didn’t think so.

This is a serious business in the warmer climates in the United States. You get yourself a shopping cart and suddenly you’re a mobile business, reliant on other people’s discarded pleasures. You may not be able to afford a bottle of Evian, but you’re damn sure going to make the 10 cents off the son-of-a-bitch who put the opening to their pursed lips.

Breathe. Just breathe. Everything is going to be just fine. The first thing you’re going to want to do is stop masturbating for pleasure. It should now be thought of strictly as a work related activity. It’s not all bad, you’re just like the other 99 percent… you’re just the bottom 1 percent of that group.

(Originally published on November 21, 2011.)

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