Few things in life are more terrifying than waking up in the middle of the night to the feeling of something crawling on your body. It’s horrific.
The fear goes to a completely new level when you realize it’s a spider in your bed. Even though spider bites are on the rise this year, it’s fine, there’s no need to panic. Don’t freak out! Because we you freak out the spider freaks out!
To help you through this potentially scarring situation, here are 12 simple steps to follow when you find a spider in your bed.
Step 1 – Don’t panic
You’re going to want to start screaming and yelling while throwing your blankets as far away as possible. You must fight these urges. Keep calm and realize you’re in control of this situation.
Step 2 – Slowly get out of your bed
Obviously you don’t want to stay in the same bed as a spider, so slowly move your legs away from the demon creature and slide out of bed. Try not to disturb the spider so it doesn’t run. This is very important.
Step 3 – Step out of the room and quietly close your bedroom door
Again, you don’t want to provoke the spider in any way because who knows what it was planning. Seriously, how long has he been watching you? Are there other spiders with him? These are questions you can’t answer, but that doesn’t mean they won’t linger in your mind. You need to create some separation.
Step 4 – Get that suitcase you put behind the couch
You remember that emergency suitcase you packed in case a situation like this occurred? It’s time to put that plan in motion. Grab your suitcase and put it in your car. It should contain enough clothes for at least 10 days as well as any toiletries you need.
Step 5 – Collect any personal belongings that hold sentimental value to you.
If you have a family photo album or certain heirlooms that are irreplaceable, gather them together as quickly as possible. You can’t get everything, but take the things that mean the most. This might mean leaving pets or roommates behind. In a moment like this, relationships are going to be severed.
Step 6 – Soak your house in gasoline and set it on fire
I know this is the house your parents raised you in and left to you in their will, but will you ever really be happy in there again knowing that spiders think they have open access to your bed while you sleep? The only way to truly be purged is through fire. Burn that thing to the ground.
Step 7 – Cover the ashes in bug spray
There’s a good chance you killed the spider in the fire, but you can’t know for sure. You need to make sure the very fabric of this piece of earth is dead and barren for the remainder of time. Pour bug spray, weed killer, bleach, acid, and anything else you can find onto the ashes to make sure it is a desolate wasteland for eternity.
Step 8 – Wait for the authorities to arrive
More than likely someone saw a house burning down without knowing the context in which it was burned. It’s perfectly fine. When the police or fire department arrives, explain to them what happened in your bed. Not only will they not press charges against you, they’ll pull out their guns and start firing into the ground to help make sure the spider is dead. This is one time when excessive force is appropriate and welcomed.
Step 9 – Leave town
We’ve all seen Halloween and Friday the 13th enough to know that the monster never dies. Just when you think you’ve destroyed it, it finds a way to resurface and seek revenge. You need to leave town and cut ties with everyone you know. The spider knows who you love and knows who means the most to you. Don’t you think it’s going to hit you where it hurts? You need to vanish.
Step 10 – Burn off your fingerprints
I don’t know if spiders can track you by your fingerprints, but if Will Smith’s character on Men in Black found it to be a necessary step to vanish, then so should you.
Step 11 – Spend the rest of your life living in paranoia and fear
You’re alone now. You’re like Jason Bourne. If you develop a relationship it will only be ripped away from you and you’ll feel responsible for their demise. You’ll never truly feel safe again and no matter where you go, you’ll always be looking over your shoulder waiting for that spider to return and finish the job.
Step 12 – Call an exterminator
If all the other steps seem like a bit much or if you don’t want to lose your deposit by burning down the townhouse you’re renting, you can alternatively call an exterminator to come in and spray your home every few months. Either way, you should be safe after following these steps.