I used to love getting dressed-up and going out trick-or-treating. I loved running around at night and only having to knock on someone’s door to give me candy because, well, candy is awesome. HOWEVER, some people who give out candy wouldn’t know good candy if it bit them on the ass. Those people usually give out the following...
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Honestly, who the hell likes this stuff. It tastes like it's made from paste and sugar. And I’m not talking Elmer’s paste (which is delicious), I’m talking that cheap generic stuff that you get at the dollar store because it can barely fuse paper to paper and you just know is made from the hooves of haggard old race horses that just couldn't cut it down at the track anymore. It comes in bulk bags that even Kirstie Alley wouldn’t buy. That should sound your alarms when you start thinking about buying a bag.
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Halloween is about getting cavities and paving the road to adult obesity, not about eating dried fruit. Halloween isn’t about fruit, it’s about sugar. How many nine year olds have you seen completely losing their minds in a grocery store screaming, “Holy crap, they have raisins! I gotta get me some of these raisins! If people would just give them to me when I knocked on their door…” Answer: 0. In a avalanche of gummi bears, Snickers and M&M‘s, Raisins are a pariah usually destined to be banished to the garbage can.
Photo credit: JD Hancock, Flickr
Look, I didn’t get all dressed up as Batman to hear about someone saving my eternal soul from the fiery grasp of “Satan’s Night.” Batman is not having that sh*t. He’s got a lot of houses he has to hit tonight and doesn’t need a speech about all this “Batman will be doomed to spend the afterlife in eternal damnation” stuff. I get enough lip from Commissioner Gordon, OK. Batman does not want your literature lady. Wait, hold on--is that the Bat signal? Gotta run, Ma’am. Don’t worry, Batman will be coming back to hear the rest of your speech when he brings the Joker to egg your house later…
Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, Flickr
Answering the question, “What’s brown, comes in bags of 5,000 and will get disgusting after one piece?”
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Wait, is this WWI? Am I 90 years old? Really, I can take a handful of these? Wow. That must have put you out at least 2 cents. Wait what? You mean you have an entire garbage bag full of these that you got for $1.58? How could that be? Wait let me guess…because they are the most boring flavor of all-time. People with no taste buds still shy away from butterscotch disks. Butterscotch is for Friendly’s sundaes and octogenarians--not for Draculas, Little Mermaids and Dora the Explorer. Get with the program Grandma.
Photo credit: mullica, Flickr
Do I look like a fluorescent elephant to you? The taste of these things is like…I dunno, something wholly unnatural. It’s the only candy that if you take too big of a bite you actually cringe. I thought the circus was supposed to be fun and then you sully up it’s good name by trying to sell me these things. If I want circus foods, I’ll stick to cotton candy and Barnum and Bailey Animal Crackers. Just keep these orange abominations away from the clowns, OK. I don’t want anyone getting sick before the show.
Photo credit: EuroMagic, Flickr
Oh, fantastic 5 pennies. I can finally buy that boat I’ve had my eye on. Again, if you are 70 years old, getting 5 pennies from someone in 1930 must have been like winning some sort of lottery. But, kids today have cell phones, Playstation 3 and plasma televisions in their rooms. A few pennies buys them another half a minute on their cell phone plan. Besides, they don’t want 4 cents worth of pennies getting that metallic taste all over their Blow Pops. Get with the program folks! Halloween is supposed to be fun. People that give these away are the same people who would freak out and run to their bomb shelter if a trick-or-treater was dressed as the Grim Reaper. Giving kids pennies for Halloween…We fought the Cold War to prevent this type of stuff from happening.
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Anytime a candy comes in the color black, it sucks. I don’t know many things, but you can take that statement to the bank…and take out some money for some dental insurance while you’re there cause these things will rip your fillings out quicker than a Neodymium magnet.
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That’s not candy, it’s sadism. Candy is supposed to taste and feel good, not incinerate your taste buds. And then if it’s too hot and you panic, you might as well strap dynamite to the tip of a jackhammer when you do this because your molars are going to explode into a fiery hot mess of red dye and tears. I’m pretty sure these were invented by the Japanese for use in WWII P.O.W. camps.
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People that give these away don’t even deserve my time. I’d like to beat that drum into a coma.
Photo credit: Steve Snodgrass, Flickr
(Originally published on October 31, 2010.)