Every dude reading this has a best friend, someone you do just about everything with, but there are some things two guys should just never do together. Well, if you’re straight anyway. The rules tend to change once there is penis to butt interaction. Even then, a few of the things on this list would be out of bounds. And that’s because, well, it’s because they’re just plain weird, awkward and terrible, and if you actually did them with your best bro you’d probably never be able to look each other in the eye again. And so, in the spirit of education, so that you never inadvertently make one of these terrible, terrible mistakes, here are seven things guys should never do together.
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Yes, the ladies do this all the time. Guys, however, uh, don’t. Sure, you might go the bathroom at the same time, but you’re not going together. That’s a key distinction. In one you just stare straight ahead, in silence, and do your thing. In the other, you gossip and comfort each other. Try this the next time you find yourself in a men’s room. Try making small talk or complimenting one of your friends on his pants. See what happens. Actually, don’t because then you’d come to us complaining that none of your friends will talk to you or that they locked you in one of the stalls and then barred the door with a garbage can while they made their escape. Just stare at the wall in front of you, do your business, zip up your pants, wash your hands and leave. Got it? Good.
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I’m not saying that you can’t be in the same hot tub together, provided there are other people involved, even other dudes – a group of dudes is different than just two dudes. It’s kinda sad, but it doesn’t carry quite the same awkward factor. What I am saying is that two dudes just sitting in a hot tub together, staring across at one another, is just weird and creepy and it will make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t blame me, blame society. I didn’t invent the mythos of the hot tub, that sacred watery foreplay STD incubator and occasional time machine. God invented it, so really if you have a problem with me saying this, then you have a problem with God. And for God’s sake, I shouldn’t even have to mention this, but if you do make the mistake of hot tubbing with one of your bros, alone, together, do not do so naked. I know that hot tubbing naked is a sacred rite and everyone should do it at some point, but, uh, not with another dude, okay? There’s weird and then there’s Red Alert We Just Crossed A Line Here.
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This would just be weird, right? I’m not even talking about shaving each other - which, uh, if you’re best friend is eager to shave you then he’s not so much your friend as he is your boyfriend. No, I’m talking about the two of you standing, half-naked, towels around your waists, standing in front of a small mirror together and shaving yourselves. Sure, you might be able to pull it off but then there would be that awkward moment where the two of you made eye contact in the mirror and maybe you’d try to laugh it off but deep down it would make you supremely uncomfortable and then you’d never be able to make eye contact again without thinking of that moment. Sure, you can say you’re above all that, that you’re a modern man who can rise above such petty nonsense, but you’re not, okay? You’re just not. If you don’t believe me, just mentally insert another dude into that picture there and tell me what your first assumption about those two dudes would be. See?
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Two dudes should never, ever, watch porn together. It would just be uncomfortable. Maybe a bunch of dudes in a group can get away with this, turn it into a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type thing, but not two dudes alone. I mean, why in the hell are you trying to watch porn with other dudes anyway? Even if you can miraculously come up with a credible answer to that question, it still doesn’t change the fact that watching porn with another guy is just weird and awkward. One minute you’re talking about, uh… (Look, I’m searching for an appropriate topic of conversation here and I can’t come up with one, which just kinda proves my point, right?) well, let’s say how hot the girl is, and the next you look over and your best friend is jacking off. Do I really need to say anything else? No? Good.
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I know, I know, you think you’re above this. You think that I’m being ridiculous and that you could do this with no problem, but as enlightened as you think you are, trust me, you’re not. You would feel uncomfortable. This is why if a guy is forced to crash in another dude’s room, he automatically heads for the floor. Think about it. We’ve all been forced to sleep in a friend’s room – visiting a friend in college, getting too drunk to do anything else, etc. – and did you sleep in the bed together even though it was probably big enough for the both of you? No. And what’s more, you never even considered it, did you? No, you slept on the hard, hard floor rather than even think about sleeping in the same bed as your friend. And there’s a reason for that – it’s because it’s too goddamn weird. I think it’s a territorial issue as much as anything else. No dude wants to share his bed, that most sacred of places, with another guy. It’s like letting another guy sit on your throne.
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Come on. I only included this because, believe it or not, some dudes will actually do this. I mean, if two dudes feel the need, then by all means, start jackin’. Just know that, yes, you are engaged in a sexual act with another dude, which is cool if that’s what you’re into, but… yeah. Look, if I have to really explain why this is weird, than you’re just being obtuse and are an asshole and I hate you.
Dudes love them some threesomes. But there are cool threesomes and then there’s the awkward kind (well, to be honest, they’re all awkward but this one’s REALLY awkward) involving you and your best friend getting it on with one woman, desperately trying not to make eye contact or, uh, cross swords. Ignoring the fact that you’re having sex with another dude – and that’s a pretty big thing to ignore, there is no way to pull this off without it fucking up your friendship. Sure, you might be super secure and you might be able to tell yourself that it’s no big deal that you rubbed dicks with your best friend but every time you see each other this is all you will think about. Plus, in the world of the idiot dude, what’s the best part of having a threesome? Being able to actually say that you had a threesome. It’s a bragging rights thing. And other dudes will do the dude thing and hi-five you and all that dumb shit, but the moment you say “Yeah, it was me, some hot chick and my best friend Marty,” they will all make that same “Ohhhhh” sound and then quickly look away. You can never brag about having a Devil’s Threesome – it’s called a Devil’s Threesome for a reason, you know? – and so really, all that’s left is the memory of watching your best friend sweat and grunt with a boner. Congratulations.
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