Facebook is everywhere, and we use it to keep all the people we kinda don't want to talk to on a regular basis informed about our lives. Unfortunately, it's also a great way to overshare. Here are 9 things you do that you need to stop, right now.
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We hate to break this to you, but nobody cares how far you ran, how much weight you lifted, or how strong your abs are, and it's especially annoying when you have some app automatically update it, so basically you're automatically gloating. The only time you should be gloating about your body on Facebook is if you've either broken some form of world record, or nailed Kate Upton.
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Granted, you need to log into Facebook in order to use Spotify, but you don't need to post every single song to your wall. This is for your health and sanity as much as everyone else's: we all have embarrassing taste in music we'd rather the world not know, like for example listening to "I Want Candy" on repeat for an hour. Nobody wants to admit it, but everybody does it.
Right? Right? Guys?
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We're still not sure why people insist on posting photos of their food on Facebook. Unless you're a professional food stylist, your food is going to look bad, OK? That's just the way it is. Really, most of us only care about food if we're currently eating it. If we can't eat it, we don't care.
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If you constantly update your Twitter, and have it linked to your Facebook, then your Facebook will constantly update. And then all your friends will hide you, especially if it's messages like "Just took a dump in the shape of a donut LOL".
Really, Facebook is for friends and relatives you want to maintain a facade for, and Twitter is for the raging horny drunkard with no filters that we are in real life. It's important to keep the two separate.
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Every day, millions of people post messages on their Facebook wall about serious issues. They want to seem like they care without actually doing anything, and so appoint themselves the moral leader of their Facebook friends and demand that this message be reposted.
You know what? Screw you. If you care so much about children in Uganda, or feline AIDS, or cancer, why not just donate a dollar to that cause instead of harassing us about it on Facebook?
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We don't get it. It's been a staple of hack comedians and cartoonists for decades that vacation photos blow and that nobody actually wants to look at them. And yet, they keep appearing. In swarms. Thankfully, Facebook is designed so you can ignore these photos while pretending to acknowledge them (this is what a "Like" on your photo really means). But still they keep coming.
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If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that very few of us actually escape from high school. Nowhere is this truer than when it comes to the people we love, as in carnally.
There's nothing wrong with an "I love you" or something funny, but extravagance is something else again. If you go beyond, say, five words, you need to stop and ask yourself if this is about expressing your feelings or making your friends puke?
Because really, there are more effective ways of doing both.
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Yes, we go to Reddit and Quickmeme too. Just...stop. This is why we have meme articles, so you don't have to post dozens of these at once. And also so you can point your meme-posting friend towards it, so he'll stop spamming your wall with memes, and use that valuable space on more important things.
Like this article.
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Yes, it's an election year. Yes, politics are important. No, nothing has ever, ever been achieved by getting into a 100-comment slugfest over a sitting President's economic policies. Obama and Romney don't care what two people on Facebook think of them, no matter how much you may believe otherwise.
Really, if you want to express your political opinions in an effective manner, try voting. Unlike Facebook comments, votes are actually counted.
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(Originally published on May 22, 2012.)