The US presidential election is coming up soon, and there are some fired up people raging hard over who will next to occupy the Oval Office. It's a flame war out there. You have your Wingnuts, Moonbats, Obama Zombies, Paulites, Tea Partiers, Perry-aires, Lefties, Righties, and whatever you call the Palin lovers.
Chances are you're not happy with any of them. With that in mind, here are seven fictional characters (in no particular order) that could make a run for the White House, making America a better place.
Saul has major connections and isn't afraid to use them. He's already got the TV ad thing down pat, and he's as smooth a talker as any politician alive. Can you imagine the negative ad campaign and the dirt he would dig up on the other candidates? It would be epic. Wanna pay less for gas? Saul will have us paying less than $2 per gallon in no time. He'll work something out. Will it be legal? Who knows, but that's why we have "The Patriot Act."
Enoch L. Thompson certainly sounds like a name befitting a president, albeit one from about a century ago. Still, Nucky has worked his way up the ranks from sheriff to treasurer and he's not stopping there. He's an old school politician -- out pressing the flesh and working his constituency -- that excels at talking out of both sides of his mouth. Nucky would make a fine president, indeed.
Mayor Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell The Edge "Joe" Quimby will have your vote, whether or not you punch his name on your ballot. "Diamond Joe" has ties with mob, is adept at embezzlement and has dominated elections in Springfield since the mid-80's. Tell me -- who wouldn't want to live in Springfield? Quimby can make that dream come true for all of America. He'll make it one big Springfield!
Curb Your Enthusiasm's Leon Black has many unique gifts. His gift of gab is second to none, and it seems improbable that Leon would lose any type of debate. He's also exceptional at getting stuff for free, so you can expect that he can get us out of debt in no time at all. You know Leon has the ladies' vote, and if he puts on some glasses, well, game over.
As ruthless as any candidate in our list, Sue Sylvester will go to any means necessary to get her way and get the win. She would shame and/or humiliate other countries' dignitaries into submitting to her plans. And maybe all those Washington bureaucrats will loosen up if they all don track suits instead of stuffy business suits. She will not only lead; she will dominate the world.
Donaghy would be a fine choice for president, but his hard lean right will likely prevent him from getting the votes he needs. Though he came from humble beginnings, he reeks of special interest groups and old money. He's a fine leader but would be thrashed in debates for being part of "The Ol' Boys Club." Still, America loves a well-dressed Alpha male and that's what Jack Donaghy is. He could get the call.
From the small, poetic town of Pawnee, Leslie Knope has risen to stardom at the local government level. She's exactly what America needs -- someone that gets things done sans partisanship. And Knope gets a lot of stuff done. Who better to get rid of the pit of ineptitude in Washington than the lady that got rid of a real pit in Pawnee? The only difficulty might be in getting her to drop her bid for Pawnee City Council to make a run for the White House.
Originally published on October 4, 2011.