8 TV drinking buddies you wish you had

By 10.18.12
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If certain TV characters existed in real life, you know you’d be game to grab a cocktail or five with them. These individuals have such distinct personalities and elaborate back-stories that, regardless of where you go, it certainly wouldn’t be dull. They might be funny, serious, self-centered, or seem like they ate too many paint chips as a child. But mostly, the right companion is entertaining, up for anything, and can drink his/her face off. Here are those very special boozers who would help you stumble home from the bar after you sing show tunes together, drunk-dial your ex and soil yourself.

Photo credit: YouTube/HBO

Peter is the kind of buddy who’ll say, “Let’s drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.” You’ll meet up for happy hour at a neighborhood bar, where he’ll share countless stories with you — like the time he grew a beard and considered joining ZZ Top. He’ll offer you sage advice about women: "Drink ‘til she’s hot." He’ll do karaoke with you, although you may have to pry the mic from his hands because he’ll keep farting into it and singing “Surfin’ Bird.” Warning: After several beers, he’s inclined to remove all of his clothing, except a tiny pair of thong underwear, and grind on whoever is around, while rubbing his nipples erotically. You will probably have to drive the two of you home because there’s no way Peter will be remotely sober enough at the end of the night to remember his own name.

Photo credit: YouTube/Fox

When you drink with Jack Donaghy, you imbibe with the best of them. He’s Irish, thereby making him a professional drinker. And he exudes class. He’ll insist that you wear a suit and that the two of you visit an upscale drinking establishment with a piano player and valet. His limo driver will pick you up. Over scotch, you’ll discuss your jobs, and he’ll reassure you that it’s okay to get "business drunk." He will speak fondly of capitalism, profess his love for Reagan, and ask if you vote Republican. He’ll enchant you with stories about how he overcame a peanut allergy through sheer willpower and put himself through college by being a swan boat operator. Later, he’ll become misty and request something by Phil Collins from the piano player. Around midnight, he’ll announce that he must retire, due to an early meeting regarding a new business venture. He will assure you he enjoyed himself, even though you’re a Democrat.

Photo credit: YouTube/NBC

Charlie is a self-proclaimed "Wild Card" and a champion drinker. The two of you rally at his neighborhood watering hole. You’ll order burgers from the bar, and he’ll share his technique of cleaning pubes from the toilets at Paddy’s Pub. Several beers later, he’ll sigh happily and profess his love for America. He’ll inquire if you’ve ever been electrocuted, then brag that he’s been shocked over 500 times. He’ll discuss the quizzical habits of cats, but admit that their food isn’t half-bad. After countless beers, he’ll divulge his elaborate plan to pretend he’s a fashion designer to seduce women. At last call, he will sing - slur a tune he wrote about longing for another man’s embrace.

Photo credit: YouTube/FX

Don Draper is one smooth MF — sharp, articulate, mysterious. And the man’s got secrets. The kind that involve hookers and identity theft. You will meet him a bar that looks someone’s den. He has enough grease in his hair to make Paula Deen cream her granny panties. Over countless Old Fashioneds, he’ll ask you questions, revealing little about himself. His words are thought-provoking, yet evasive. Your conversation is like spoken Sudoku. You try to figure him out, but the bourbon is winning. After both of you drink enough Old Fashioneds to euthanize a horse, he’s still as sober as the first. How can that be? These pure grain bitches are kicking your ass. By the end of the night, you decide that Don Draper is a robot — or at least, has a robot liver. Then, you fall off your bar stool laughing. You are wasted. Luckily, the always - cool Don scoops you up and sends you home in a cab.

Photo credit: YouTube/AMC

Karen was born with a .750 mL in her hand. You say potato, she says vodka. This lady lush will have her limo driver pick you up and take you to her favorite hotel lounge around 4 pm. Don’t worry about the tab — it’s on her. Make sure your style is tight, though, or she’ll declare, “Oh, honey! What are you wearing? I didn’t know ‘homeless’ was in style this season.” Over a steady flow of vodka martinis, sans olives, (they take up too much space), she’ll tell you about the time she was in a dominatrix porn. She’ll push your face into her cleavage because she thinks she dropped a Spanish peanut in there. The two of you will discuss your female conquests. She’ll take out a bag of prescription pills and offer you a few. At the end of the night, she’ll return from the bathroom with an unbelievably hot, buzzed woman — just for you.

Photo credit: YouTube/NBC

Sure, Vince has the personality of a potato chip. But it’s not really about being buddies with him; it’s about what comes from being buddies with him. The dude is famous, loaded, and gets more p*ssy than a toilet seat. But he’s generous, too — what’s his is yours. And he knows how to buy have a good time. The two of you will roll up to a celeb-packed club and immediately bypass the velvet rope mafia. Bottle service awaits, and gorgeous women are on you. Maybe you woke up that morning a 7, with a full head of hair and a Ford Focus. But now, you’re a 10, with a monster c*ck and a Ferrari. Even the bathroom attendant is dying to wipe your ass. And you know your night will end with a smoking hot model by a mansion pool. That’s the magic of Vincent Chase. Yeah, you could get used to this…

Photo credit: YouTube/HBO

Secret Agent Archer is a bit of a dense, self-absorbed d-bag, but his spy stories will amaze you. Plus, he drinks on his way to drink…and execute the opposition. You’ll convene at a hotel bar, where he’ll order Glengoolie Black scotch proceed to talk at great lengths about himself. He’ll tell you about fending off Cuban hit squads, burying dead hookers, and playing Russian Roulette with five enemies and killing them all. Mid-story, he will get distracted by the curvy waitress and offer to give her more than ‘just the tip.’ He’ll spout such wisdoms as, "Karate is the Dane Cook of martial arts." After sharing many tales of valor, he’ll pull out a “road fifth” of scotch for the walk home.

Photo credit: YouTube/FX

Consider it an honor to get hammered with Kenny Powers. Early evening, he’ll roll up in his truck, honk, and yell, “C’mon, motherfucker! Beer and tits. It’s on!” You’ll hop in and cruise to a bar that looks like the hillbilly cousin of Hooters. He’ll order Miller Lights for both of you, and you’ll proceed to get shit-faced together. He’ll brag that he can throw a baseball "fast as fuck." He tell you he’s "fucking killed people" and had "fucking yachts and shit." You find yourself saying "fuck" a lot more than usual. Later, you hit the titty club and do an epic number of tequila shots. Fuck. You can’t feel your legs, and… Why do these strippers have four boobs? Everything is a blur. In the final inning of the night—just like on Kenny Powers’ audiobook, the inevitable happens: You’re fucking OUT!

Photo credit: YouTube/HBO

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TAGSArbitrary RankingsCharlie KellyDon Draperdrinking buddiesfeaturedJack DonaghyKenny PowersListsPeter GriffinSterling ArcherVincent Chase

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