From hipsters to rednecks and all points in between, our fragmented society has extended to the places where we receive our holy sacraments, and I’m not talking about churches. I’m talking about bars. These days, it seems like there’s a bar for every type of person and a bar for every type of drink. Naturally, keeping all this straight can be a bit overwhelming, especially when you’re hammered. But luckily for you, we here at Guyism are on the scene with this handy guide to 14 different types of bars and the types of people who you find in each.
Photo credit: ell brown, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Your college roommate with the pet baby capybara who used to wear his “girlfriend’s” pants even though you never even met her.
Typical Drink: An obscure micro-brew or Ketel One vodka, or maybe black coffee to be ironic. Also, PBR is so clichéd that it’s out which means it’s in again which just means that it’s out which means… wait, this is confusing.
You Might Hear: “So like, I was going to vote for Romney, just as like, you know, a goof but then my hamster threw up everywhere and I had to take him to the ER and anyway that’s why I didn’t vote. Also, hey, are you really going to drink that because I heard they use ground up goat horns to get it to taste bitter.”
Photo credit: slava, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Your cousin who wore a Carhart “suit” to your grandma’s funeral.
Typical Drink: Beer. And you best believe it’ll be American. Rum and coke for the ladies.
You Might Hear: “Tommy got in a fight the last time we were here and they said we was banned for two weeks and that’s why Tommy is standin’ outside the bathroom window with a funnel. Don’t tell him but even though he thinks I been dumpin’ beer in there all night, I’ve really been pissing in his funnel and… oh shit, a fight! FIGHT!”
Photo credit: D.C.Atty, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Degenerate gamblers, your friends who are too broke and/or cheap to pay for cable and your uncle who won’t shut up about how great those Buffalo Wild Wings commercials are.
Typical Drink: Whatever beer that has the most commercials with farting horses or Swedish twins in bikinis.
You Might Hear: “Shut the hell up, I’m trying to watch the damn game. Oh, that’s bullshit, ref! That’s bullshit! Frank, buy me another beer, those goddamn refs just lost me my grocery money. And if you see that waitress, you know the one with the cute ass? Try to get her number while I’m taking a piss and whatever you do, don’t tell her that that I’ve got kids or that this is a rug. I can totally pass for 30 still, right?”
Photo credit: franks.collection, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Tremendously drunk people, the worst singers in the history of the world, bachelorette parties, your mom and her coworkers who heard this was “so much fun.”
Typical Drink: Rum and coke like it’s flowing from a waterfall.
You Might Hear: “Woooooooah, we’re halfway there!!! Whoooooaaaaaa-oh, we’re livin’ on a praaaayerrrrr! Whooo! I think I’m gonna throw up!”
Photo credit: Annie Mole, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Norm, Cliff Clavin, your dad.
Typical Drink: Whatever’s on tap.
You Might Hear: “So then I told my boss that I wasn’t going to come in on Saturday unless I could get the good parking spot and I knew he got where I was coming from because he just looked at me for a minute, like he didn’t even know what to say or something and anyway, yeah, I’ve got to work on Saturday. And, hey, are you even listening? Also, you’re out of peanuts.”
Photo credit: El Caganer, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Drunks with nowhere better to go, businessmen who wandered in from the hotel nearby, first time comics puking in the back, hecklers.
Typical Drink: Whatever’s easiest to mix and strong. Also, don’t forget there’s a two drink minimum.
You Might Hear: “This dude’s not so funny. I can do better than that. I was voted class comedian my senior year of high school you know? It’s not that hard. I mean, all you gotta do is get up there and be funny. I’m funny, right? Remember that time you asked the waitress when she got off and I said 'That’s what she said?' and everyone laughed? That was hilarious! By the way, did your food taste funny to you?”
Photo credit: slava, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Ladies who just want to unwind with their friends and dance because they’re so fun and wild and crazy! Oh, and horny, desperate guys who unironically think The Situation has got it all figured out.
Typical Drink: Shots! Shots! Shots!
You Might Hear: “What? I can’t hear you! Your name is Kevin? I don’t like that name because my college boyfriend was named Kevin and he never wanted to dance and one time he stole money out of my purse to pay for a Chinese letter tattoo. What? You have to talk louder! The music… I can’t hear you! Oh, you’re name is Devon? Oh, okay! Whooooooo!!!”
Photo credit: Studio Roosegaarde, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Lonely businessmen. Sad, lonely businessmen. Hookers.
Typical Drink: Whatever will get you through another night.
You Might Hear: “It’s not so bad. I spend five days on the road and two at home every week which is fine by me since my wife took all the furniture when she left me, the bitch, and besides I figure this way I get to see the country. Do you know anything about medical supplies? No? Well, it’s really interesting. You see, for every thousand units I sell I get to… oh, you want me to pay you up front? Okay, but you’ve got to promise not to try to sneak out when you go to the bathroom. I had that happen in Omaha once.”
Photo credit: kthypryn, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Bikers, obviously. Oh, and the Terminator.
Typical Drink: Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, various crazy concoctions that will either earn you respect or put you in the hospital or both.
You Might Hear: “I better just stick to beer. Now don’t look at me like that. I got stabbed out back and I should probably take it easy. Aww hell, you’re right, I’m being soft. Get me Jack, straight up. Oh, and a needle and some thread. Also hey, did you ever notice that there’s more leather in here than in a gay pride parade? No? Oh, uh, never mind…”
Photo credit: lana_aka_BADGRL, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Connoisseurs, next level hipsters, your mom.
Typical Drink: Uh… wine?
You Might Hear: “Bold, rich, vibrant in a way that calls to mind dancing in a field full of fresh blackberries, you can tell this is a treasure. The bouquet is rapturous, reminiscent of a choir of angels dancing on the tip of the tongue before their song tickles the throat and the spirit is left dewy, like the fine mist on a sweet summer morn in Provence, the taste of a farmer’s daughter in her father’s barn while he sleeps soundly in his bed, unaware of the erotic decadence unfolding, earthy yet alive with the sweetest love juice, my God, my palate has never known such delight! Later, if you’re interested, I plan on sitting in a stuffy room and wafting the smell of my own farts into the air so that I may luxuriate in their olfactory splendor…”
Photo credit: Martin Pettitt, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Your other roommate who thought your one roommate with the baby capybara was “too bourgeois,” beer worshippers, and your Aunt Gladys who wanted to “see what all the fuss was about” and who will show up to Christmas in a Dr. Seuss hat with her 25 year-old boyfriend who doesn’t believe in the exploitation and the murder of Christmas trees.
Typical Drink: Obscure micro-brews, including one that they brew right on the premises that smells like a diseased elephant shitting out a dead cat.
You Might Hear: “Dude, I’m not sure if it’s better than the Wizard’s Shoe Pale Ale, but this Monkey’s Paw AmberBock is for sure better than the Giraffe’s Neck Chocolate Cherry Stout or the Rat’s Anus Hefeweizen we had last weekend. I think they got a bad batch or something because I got rickets, man.”
Photo credit: kansasphoto, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Gay dudes, gay ladies, your cousin Joe, your old high school football coach, the neighbor lady, the bus driver, the…
Typical Drink: The same drinks they have everywhere else, you bigot. Oh, and Appletinis.
You Might Hear: “It sure is nice to go somewhere where nobody will smash my face in with a brick just because of who I love. I can even dance with my boyfriend without causing some fratboy to hyperventilate because it reminds him of the time he and his bro got super drunk, put on blindfolds and jerked each other off. It’s unbelievable, I actually get treated like a human being here!”
Photo credit: merfam, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Depressed people, teenagers because they don’t ask for ID, homeless dudes, Barney Gumble.
Typical Drink: Beer. Don’t ask which brand because it’s whichever one the distributor sold them 80% off because some rats got in the shipment and pissed all over the place.
You Might Hear: Depressed silence, maybe some quiet crying.
Photo credit: dandeluca, Flickr
Who You’ll Find There: Businessmen, old perverts, wide eyed young dudes with their heads on a swivel, your dad, and your mom that one time, but dad never brought her back because she and the girls got along too well and it made him feel weird.
Typical Drink: Whatever’s cheap and will provide an excuse to sit around and stare at naked boobs all day.
You Might Hear: the sound of dollar bills folding, Def Leppard, the withered husk of a broken soul crumbling and blowing away on a sad wind.
Photo credit: The Consumerist, Flickr
(Previously published on April 5, 2013.)