Like it or not, social media has become a dominant presence both online and culturally, which these days are pretty much two words for the same thing. Naturally, this means that social media attracts people from all walks of life – hipsters, rednecks, jocks, racists, stoners… it’s basically not that different from your high school cafeteria. And that in turn means that there are always going to be some people that absolutely no one likes. These are the people who simply don’t understand the social rules that keep us from descending into anarchy, or at least trolling the shit out of each other anyway. And here are the worst of the worst, 9 types of people in social media that everyone hates.
How to Spot Them: These are the ones who feel the need to let the whole world know their every waking thought, where they’re going, who they’re seeing, what they’re eating, blah blah blah.
Why We Hate Them: Because they never shut up. Ever. I don’t care if Foursquare dubbed you the mayor of Chuck E. Cheese, you’re not that important. It’s fine to let people know what you’re up to, but if you just posted a status update five minutes ago you should probably chill, or at least talk to someone in real life instead for a minute.
Who They are in Real Life: Your friend who used to call you on the phone six times a day back when people actually talked on the phone, only they never had anything that they really wanted to talk about, which still didn’t keep them from gibbering for an hour every time.
How to Spot Them: Their page/timeline is filled with nothing but links and constant badgering to read/buy whatever horrible shit they’re pushing.
Why We Hate Them: They don’t even pretend to care about engaging people on any sort of human level. There’s never any creativity, not even a clever comment about any of the 900 links they try to get you to click on every day. It’s one thing for a company to push their stuff – that’s their job – but it’s just weird when some random dude is doing it, and honestly it just makes people ignore you.
Who They are in Real Life: That’s the thing, they’re so lacking in anything resembling a real personality that you don’t know if they’re just some broken sad-sack or some computer generated bot sent to annoy you to death. This is how the real Terminator takes people out.
How to Spot Them: It’s not just food – that just seems to be the most popular choice for some inane reason – but these are variants of the constant updater, only instead of describing things to you, they think you’re actually interested in seeing pictures of their breakfast, lunch, dinner, and that half-eaten corndog they threw up.
Why We Hate Them: Because enough is enough, you know? I get it, you eat food just like everyone else on the planet. Congratulations. I mean, really, why would this possibly be interesting to anyone? It’s one thing if you’re eating something unique or just made something really cool, but a lot of times it’s just “hey, here’s my hot dog,” which, uh… okay? Also, yes, your pet is adorable, thank you for confirming via photographic evidence that he exists for the 19,000th time.
Who They are in Real Life: That coworker who always has to know what you had for lunch, if only because it gives them an invitation to give a ten minute long soliloquy on the joy of French toast.
How to Spot Them: Just turn on your computer.
Why We Hate Them: They’re everywhere. It doesn’t matter what happens in the news because everyone with thumbs and a keypad takes it as an opportunity to try out for open mic night. The only problem is, well, most of you aren’t funny. Look, I’m not excluding myself from this. We all do it, and we’re all horrible. The worst though, are the ones who are just relentless, who so obviously just sit around all day thinking of jokes and “wacky” non sequiturs that they then post every five minutes. It’s like a whole culture of VH1 panel shows in which grade z celebs talk about the news – and it’s just as terrible.
Who They are in Real Life: Your roommate, your brother, your cousin, your dad…
How to Spot Them: 90% of their status updates/likes/tweets/tumblr pics are aimed at celebrities, like they think that every time they tweet something at Zach Braff will finally be the time that… wait, why do people want to get Zach Braff’s attention?
Why We Hate Them: Look, it’s just sad and embarrassing for everyone involved. We have to see that you are a shameless starfucker of the lowest order, and you have to live with the fact that you once spent three hours adding dreamy effects to that picture of Robert Pattinson making out with Kristen Stewart, just because you were dying to let the 19 people who follow you on tumblr “appreciate” both your artistic genius and the depth of your fandom. It’s just a sad state of affairs, man.
Who They are in Real Life: Teenage girls who think Justin Bieber will love them and not just drunkenly piss in their closet (not a euphemism) and 20 something dudes who think that Louis C.K. will see their tweets and ask them to rock the mic with him (definitely a euphemism) the next time he blows through town.
How to Spot Them: They never actually interact with you, but they favorite all of your updates anyway, especially if it’s a picture of any sort depicting you in anything less than a parka.
Why We Hate Them: Look, man, you’re not fooling anyone. You’re not the smooth, incognito Don Juan you imagine in your head. It’s just creepy and it makes people not want to share things for fear that you’ll just hit save and immediately add it to that shrine in your virtual closet, aka that folder you keep hidden on your hard drive. Also, put your pants back on, no one wants to picture that.
Who They are in Real Life: That ex who you went out with for, like, two weeks back in junior high, and that biology teacher who told you to call him “Fred” because he wanted you to know that he was totally cool.
How to Spot Them: They spend all their time arguing with people and spinning everything into yet another tale of cultural oppression and deep personal insult. Also, they love, love, love to use any and every buzzword they can.
Why We Hate Them: In the immortal words of Mr. Burns to Lisa Simpson: “My God, are you always on?” It’s cool to believe in things. It’s not cool to let those things color every aspect of life, to the point that all you see are boogiemen jumping out of every corner to oppress someone. Look, I just want to watch Game of Thrones and talk about how awesome it is, not about how it’s a phallocentric attempt to shame midgets or oppress the non-corporeal or whatever the fuck you feel the need to write 9,000 words about today. Take a day off, go for a walk, adopt a puppy, or, you know, actually go out into the world and volunteer or try to make a difference with the things you’re passionate about instead of arguing with idiots on the internet about them all day long.
Who They are in Real Life: Freshmen humanities majors who totally read some stats you guys would not believe.
How to Spot Them: They’re, uh, they’re your parents. And they just sent you a friend request.
Why We Hate Them: Look, mom, dad, it’s not that we don’t like you, it’s just that, well, you’re ruining all the fun. Nobody wants to have to picture their parents shaking their heads, wondering where it all went wrong every time you post an update about how you power vomited off the balcony of your bro’s apartment. It’s like chilling with your parents at the bar. Sure, on one level it kinda makes you feel mature, but on every other level, it just feels way too weird.
Who They are in Real Life: Uh…
How to Spot Them: You can’t. That’s kind of the problem.
Why We Hate Them: Look, government, it’s cool that you want to see pictures of my dog, but I’m not really comfortable with the idea that you’re compiling an entire database on me in case you need to shove a black bag on my head one day. Look, I get that you have a job to do, but you hanging around my Instagram page isn’t all that different from a British Redcoat rifling through my underwear drawer, you know?
Who They are in Real Life: Those guys who keep following you in that unmarked van. Mark Zuckerberg. That gorgeous blonde you just followed on twitter in a stars and stripes bikini and who calls herself Natalie Susan Archer or Frances Brianna Ingles.