Whether your method is to get her to throw your ass to the curb or not, here are a few ways to get that new woman in your life to question her compatibility with you.
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Preferably on the first date, surprise her with your best Velociraptor: arms pulled in tight, fangs flashed, while bellowing out a high-pitched screech. Laugh hysterically afterward, or stay silent and stare deep into her eyes.
Keep her around: We know impressing a new girl with your mad skills can be nerve-wrecking. Take a few deep breaths and be yourself. Refrain from using a volume higher than your “indoor voice,” unless you’re at a game or concert.
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Supposedly, cosplay conventions are chock-full of orgies galore. So if this fetish floats your boat and you find a “my-lady” who’s into it as well — cheers, man. Express an affinity for Lord of the Rings reenactments mid-oral sex (“Won’t you just call it ‘your Precious?’”) to an unsuspecting woman, and expect minutes of still silence followed with a sudden excuse to escape.
Keep her around: Give her time to get comfortable in bed, and if you’re not going to give her the heads up on the deviant shit you’re into outside of the bedroom, at least leave a million hints lying around alluding to said unique sexual preference. (Anime porn, anyone?)
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Don’t merely refuse to pay for the date you asked her on. Show up at her place thirty minutes before you’re due to pick her up and request to use her shower. You only want to look slick and clean for your first date, right? Post-date, beg her to let you stay at her place. Use her toothbrush!
Keep her around: You don’t have to be into economic macho-ism. Expect to pay for dates you ask her on, and vice versa. Do the “wallet grab,” and hope she does the same. If she doesn’t, that’s lame. Sorry!
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Get emotional — spill your guts about your self-diagnosed, early-onset erectile dysfunction. Ask her, with puppy-dog eyes, if she’ll be so kind to understand your deep-rooted psycho-sexual qualms. When things suddenly get frisky and you start to get hard cheer, “You cured me!” Claim that she’s your only hope to having a healthy sexual life — instill in her the immense fear of screwing the same person for the next four decades.
Keep her around: Let awesome sex come organically. Any sort of external pressures should be nonexistent in bed.
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Ask how her BFF is, constantly. What did the two of them do when they hung out last? What did they talk about? Did she mention you at all? Request to snap a shot of her amazing ass with your cell phone. It’s not a big deal, she agrees her friend has an enviable butt, right?
Keep her around: Playing hard to get is overrated. Focus the majority of your attention on the woman you’re trying to swoon — not her friends or her family or her roommates. It’s confusing and kind of annoying.
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Is she a health-freak vegetarian? Demand to dip your cheeseburger into her lentil and broccoli soup. Strike up hostile conversations about the death of Christ. Attempt to convince her that Mein Kampf is actually an amazing work of literature — why won’t she give it a chance?
Keep her around: If you can’t discuss hardcore beliefs without feeling your blood boil or an itch to knock someone down a notch, accept that it’s not meant to be.
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The day after you finally score her number, text her immediately. Then text her again. When she doesn’t respond, assume something must be wrong with her phone, and text her again. Better yet, call her! Google her, and try to memorize the specifics of her life. Drop these facts within threatening messages in an attempt to persuade her to see you.
Keep her around: Not sure about the whole “wait three days to call” thing, so we won’t advocate any quantitative equation to contacting a woman you’re into. Give the girl some room to breath. Despite what you saw in Valley Girl, suffocating a prospect with your physical or virtual presence is simply not romantic.
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(Previously published on January 27, 2011.)