Living alone: Isn't it lonely, people ask. Aren't you bored? The answer is usually no. But one thing that can happen to anyone living by themselves is forming a host of weird hyper-oblivious independence habits. Because when you live on your own, you have supreme privacy. You can do what you want, when you want and it's all good. And then at some point you catch yourself cooking dinner completely naked and begin to wonder how things got so awesome.
Going back and forth to the fridge to pick out something from each food group (the beer, snack cake, cheese flavored corn chip, red meat and other meat groups to be more specific) can be pretty commonplace when you don't have anyone there to help regulate what and how you eat. And drinking directly out of the carton is totally cool because you're basically just eliminating the middle man in a most environmentally friendly fashion.
There are days where the only human contact you'll get is from a delivery guy who only knows how to say "Where is" and "my tip?" in English. This is known as the lazy Sunday. It's also a day where you can go from TV to computer, accomplishing nothing but pure entertainment consumption from the crack of noon, til' bedtime. At the end of the day if you don't close your eyes and still see video game characters, commercials and action movie explosions, then you haven't spent the day properly.
Why is it that some people are cold all the time and others are hot? I think the number one compatibility trait to should look for in a roommate (or a wife-mate) is that they have the same climate preferences you do.
I once had a roommate that demanded we keep the window open on our 17th floor dorm room as he huddled under his hoodie. I bitch slapped him with the complex laws of logic into taking off his hoodie and closing the window to counteract each other, so that we could both be comfortable.
Some time later, the imprint of the bitch slap faded, but the logic did not. Now, when I have guests over, I command natural awe and respect as I carefully adjust the temperature to something that makes sense for everyone. But, if I'm alone, that shit is going up to tropical proportions.
If the bathroom door is ever closed, you could run the risk of feeling trapped. Only when you have company over do you take a sweet D or a shower with the door closed. But when you hear that solitary click of the bolt locking into place, your brain goes on full alert, demanding to know why such extreme measures are being taken. Relax and be civil, you tell yourself, because you have guests over and the bathroom door must stay closed in regular society.
Your kitchen table may only get used about once a month when you're entertaining guests. It's a pretty big production; you'll bring out glasses, napkins, silverware, plates, the WORKS. Then, every other day your kitchen table and the chairs that surround it act as a coat rack, your personal bank, magazine holder and beer bottle collector. Classy stuff.
I don't actually believe in guilty pleasures, because nothing that gives me pleasure in life makes me feel guilty. But there's no denying that there are times you just want to play some shit that wouldn't fly with your group of friends. It could be the clown song by DJ Rankin, or the dude who plays Stanley from the Office's new hip-hop single (what? yes.) and you just want to blast it because you can. Play that shit loud, man. I mean who's going to know, except for your neighbors? And they don't even actually exist unless your front door is open; otherwise it's just you and the apartment.
Living alone can be a dangerous game, with the absence of clothing being the most commonly overlooked part of it. Sometimes even when you do remember to put pants back on after your post-work shower or a Sunday afternoon of lazing around, you'll look at your outfit in the mirror and wonder how it's even possible to look like a bad parody of a middle aged tourist mixed with a gay 80s gym instructor at the same time and still be OK with it because you're comfy as all hell. Other times, you may realize that it's been hours since you put on socks, then you got distracted by Facebook and forgot to put on the rest of your everything. And those are the times that guys who live alone cherish the most; the times where you prove to yourself without even trying, that living this way really does bring out the weirdness and awesomeness within.
(Originally published on March 29, 2012.)