When you're out there in the field celebrating Halloween and cavorting accordingly, make sure to heed our guide on what a girl's Halloween costume says about her. If a girl's committed to her character, this can save your life.
Photo credit: Gamma Man, Flickr
-Is prone to the silky smooth movements that accompany the real-life version of her costume
-Has a tail that isn't the result of a genetic deformity
-High risk of scratch-related injury
-May be suffering from toxoplasmosis
-Her rear may unexpectedly rise during heavy petting sessions
-Totally done up and living out every girl's childhood dream means she'll never look better
-Who among us hasn't wanted to seduce a princess? Now's your chance minus all of the royalty and social achievement
-May have a car made out of produce
-She has to be a little egomaniacal to dress up like a princess, doesn't she?
-You can live with the outfit but the constant breaking into songs with talking woodland creatures probably gets exhausting after a while
-May clean your house if you pretend it's all a part of some saucy roleplay
-This is a pretty quintessential male fantasy
-Her look is exotic but not "scary exotic"
-Probably more focused on eternal war against dust bunnies than your happiness
-May have a French impression that sounds vaguely like Steve Martin in The Pink Panther
-You're sort of betraying America by not finding love with her Latin American counterpart
-You have to be a little bit of a bad girl to pick this kind of costume...she may have questionable moral standards
-Won't take offense when you can only afford to feed her bread and water
-Is comfortable being handcuffed
-You can only get a conjugal visit if you're married
-Horizontal stripes can make her look wider than she actually is. Also kind of like the Hamburglar. Maybe this is a pro?
-Dressing up like a beloved children's character means she's fun and kind of goofy
-If you're dressed like a similar character, you can have one big socially unacceptable love session
-If the second item is true, you can really traumatize local trick or treaters
-Uh, it's a little creepy if we're being honest
-If she's short and dressed like a really young character, I'm pretty sure you could -- and should -- be arrested for even speaking to her
-Rare opportunity to use the phrase "horn of plenty" to pick a girl up
-May accept beads in lieu of a date
-Can control the weather through rhythmic dance moves, which is sexy in a "Bond villain" kind of way
-Won't stop talking about maize and its many uses
-Can be confusing if you frequently use the word "how" in sentences
-Could hold the whole "mass genocide" thing against you
-Has to drink a lot otherwise this costume is one great big disappointing lie
-You can play with her sword without having to ignore an oversized Adam's apple
-Hygiene was not a staple of the real-life incarnation of her people
-There's a decent chance her costume is way more manly than yours
-She could light your house on fire the morning after, just to fully embrace the character
-Those glasses aren't real. In fact, I doubt her nerdiness is genuine at all!
-For some reason, the idea of a female nerd is less grounded in reality than any other costume and is often the trashiest, calculators-as-nipple-tasslesiest costume around
-She won't actually play World of Warcraft with you
-Girls hate when you give them wedgies and shove them in lockers as foreplay
-You know she's legitimately into whatever the costume is, not like that damn fake nerd previously discussed
-Hot? Check. Able to discuss Isaac Asimov's works at length? Check.
-She's as socially awkward as you are
-Just because you have a proton gun and she's dressed like Serina from Battlestar Galactica doesn't mean she won't ditch you for the muscular douche in the 300 costume in a heartbeat
-Are you a blue collar guy? Jackpot. No high maintenance girl would dress up like a public servant
-It's a fairly altruistic costume choice compared to princesses or French maids. This is a costume by the common man, for the common man.
-You will want to make a pun related to her fictional profession. She will have had it yelled at her 500 times already that night.
-I don't want to know what adventures can happen when you're both drunk and a nightstick is nearby. Do you?
No. Just no.
(Previously published on October 31, 2012.)