New Year’s Eve is your last chance to party like it’s 2013, but plan carefully. You don’t want to get stuck at a lame-ass party when the ball drops. What follows is a listing of some of the weirdest, dorkiest, and all-out worst New Year’s Eve parties going down this year. Make sure you’re not at them.
If you want to spend the last moments of this year quaking in utter feat, head on down to The Crofoot in lovely, ruined Pontiac, Michigan for an all-night celebration hosted by the Insane Clown Posse. Yes, you’ll be deep in the heart of juggalo territory, taking in performances by Boondox, Bukshot and Claas. Oh, and a “Pimps And Hoes” costume contest just to scar your brain even further. And the worst thing? It’s only ten bucks to get in. Pro tip: the more affordable a New Year’s party is, the scarier the crowd is going to be. Literally anybody can scrape up ten bucks these days.
Want to be reminded about how much you didn’t get laid this year? Get to Richardson, Texas for the annual “Cuddle Party New Year’s Celebration.” Billed as “a 3 hour workshop experience where participants explore touch in a non-sexual space,” we’re talking a bunch of weirdos giving each other hugs for three hours, and you right in the middle of it. Oh, and alcohol is prohibited. Once it’s over, you can watch When Harry Met Sally with them and toast in the New Year. My balls just sucked so far back into my abdominal cavity I’m going to need to see a doctor.
One of the more disturbing New Year’s traditions in the South is the “Possum Drop,” where a ball holding an Virginia opossum, that disturbing disease-carrying marsupial, is lowered over a crowd at the stroke of midnight. The hamlet of Tallapoosa, Georgia celebrates it in high style, with Elvis impersonators, fireworks and the crowning of a Possum King and Possum Queen. Oh, and don’t miss the “Official Possum Drop Cornhole Game Raffle.” Because when you go down to Georgia, the last thing you want to think about is cornholing.
December 31st is supposed to be the night of the year when you try hard, when you really push the party envelope and go all-out. So shame on the Keystone Bar in Cincinnati, Ohio for their “No Hassle New Year’s Eve.” Your $25 admission gets you a choice of two bottles of Bud or two bottles of Bud Light! If that isn’t embarrassing enough, after the ball drops at midnight they open up the all you can eat macaroni and cheese buffet until 1 AM. Because that’s exactly how you want to start a fresh new year – grotesquely bloated from tons of dairy and carbohydrates.
If you’re in Newark, Delaware on New Year’s Eve, you already have some problems, so why not compound them by heading over to the Embassy Suites and ringing in 2014 with a bunch of deviants dressed in animal costumes. Yes, this is the New Year’s Furry Ball, a chance for anthropomorphic fetishists from all over the country to bring out their best costumes and get yiffy on the dance floor. If there are any precious childhood memories you have that aren’t smashed to bits by the Internet, this will put an end to them. Last year’s party had an awesome 175 people attend!
So you’re in New York City, quite literally the New Year’s party capital of the world. You have your choice of hundreds of possible New Year’s parties, from high-end hotel soirees to funky industrial crust raves. Why in God’s name would you spend the last moments of 2013 at a combination burger joint and comic book store? You can pay $40 to watch the ball drop on big screen TVs at Action Burger, while gorging yourself on chocolate or vanilla milkshakes and eating all the “chopped burger meat” you can cram down your throat. Check the fine print, though: no “Bio-action menu sandwiches” or “cheesecake fusion” on this night of all nights.
There’s a certain subset of New Year’s partiers that gravitate towards “celebrity DJ” events, hoping that they’ll deliver a good time. But how debased do you have to be to spend the biggest night of the year with the guy from Jersey Shore? Mega-gelled DJ Pauly D will be spinning all of the fist-pounding bro anthems you never wanted to hear again at the Sands Event Center in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania right next to an outlet mall. I guess Las Vegas and Miami and Atlantic City and… everywhere else… were booked? Well, for your $65 admission you do get two drink tickets, which is good, because you’re gonna need them.
If you’re coupled up but want to stir the pot a little before the year’s out, Shenanigans in Anderson, Indiana has the night for you. This swinger’s club (couples only) is like the scariest suburban basement ever hosed down, with a stripper pole and private rooms for leathery marrieds to exchange fluids in. The menu for the New Year’s Eve dinner buffet includes such erotic foods as meatloaf, tossed Greek salad and cottage cheese, and they do the “spoon dance,” a swinger staple that involves changing partners and hitting people with a wooden spoon. At just $80 per couple, it’s quite the bargain, and if you get too tuckered out you can take a nap, as long as you’re out by 10AM.