There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time.
So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week, your weekly collection of WTFlorida.
In the past on Guyism, I used to do this post once each week (every Thursday). I’d round up that week’s 10 most WTFlorida news stories. But I didn’t do that here on BroBible last week, our first week after the merger and redesign. So this week the news stories might pull from the past few weeks, and not just the past 7 days, however, moving forward it’ll be a weekly post and it’ll be only the previous week’s most WTF stories.
Now, to the news…
Florida Man Takes Greatest Mugshot Of 2014
As we covered here on BroBible earlier in the week, Arie Patterson, a resident of Hallandale, Florida was arrested last Thursday on a suspicion of theft charge. This is his mug shot, which…is… classic Florida. And very interesting.
For the full story you can read our write-up here.
A Man In Florida Just Caught A 79lb Fucking Dinosaur With A Speargun
This one is close to my heart, as it’s a friend of mine from home who shot this trophy Cubera Snapper. I touched on it HERE on BroBible earlier in the week with a ton of photos, because HOLY SHIT THAT FISH IS ENORMOUS….Here it is again:
Details of this catch of a lifetime are exclusive to BroBible, as I spoke with the spearfishermen directly and had express written permission to use their photos. Here’s some info on their insane Cubera Snapper:
A Sarasota, Florida fisherman by the name of Owen just wrangled a 78.8lb Cubera Snapper while free diving in 110ft with a speargun, fulfilling any angler’s wildest spearfishing dreams.
Fishing in a water column of 110ft out in the Gulf of Mexico, the freediving spearfishermen came into contact with schools of 50-60 Cubera Snapper in the process of spawning (releasing eggs into the water to be fertilized).
But for more photos and a full account of the catch, you can head on over HERE to my write up.
Florida Man Thinks He’s Rihanna, May Have Discovered A New Form Of Meth
Would you just soak in that Florida Man? He’s all that is Florida. His trashiness is not to be shunned or frowned upon, he’s the lifeblood of the Sunshine State. He’s the charm that speckles the renowned beaches, and keeps it full of character….he’s everything that is Florida Man and more.
Hot Mom Blows .413 BAC After Hitting 2 Cars While Trying To Pick Kid Up From Elementary School…But, Would You Hit It?
We covered this here on BroBible yesterday, and it seems from the overwhelming responses on social media that the answer is YES, you would hit it.
The story is as follows…A 27-year-old mom from Florida found herself in hot water after she tried to pick her kid up from elementary school drunk, according to reports.
Renata Congleton, 27, from New Port Richey reportedly hit two cars when she showed up at the Trinity Elementary School to pick her child up from school. She then fled the scene before deputies arrived.
You can read a full account of the story HERE. But to the important question of ‘would you hit it?’ the answer is obviously YES. If this is her at her worst then I can only imagine what she looks like at her best.
Woman Charged With ‘M.O.M.’ — Masturbating On Motorcycle
A half-naked Florida Woman has been arrested for masturbating in the privacy of her own home thanks to Obama’s hippie-liberal agenda.
Wait, she was arrested because Obama? No, not really, the 50-year-old woman was arrested for masturbating on top of a motorcycle inside her garage (with the door open), after the ‘lewd/lascivious exhibition‘ was witnessed by neighbors (including a 13-year-old boy).
To read full details of the incident you can head on over HERE. But for now, just know that some woman was arrested for flicking her button on top of a motorcycle within the privacy of her own home!
Some Bro Caught A Mantis Shrimp Big Enough To Eat Your Dog
A fisherman in Fort Pierce, Florida just reeled in what he thought was a giant lobster. As it turns out, it’s a gigantic fucking mantis shrimp that is big enough to eat your dog, your neighbor’s dog, and probably every dog in the neighborhood…HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT THING!
So it’s not a shrimp? It’s a Mantis Shrimp. Which isn’t a shrimp at all, it’s a stomatopod, and an obnoxious misnomer. Okay, moving on…
If you’re not familiar with Mantis Shrimp, watch this video from Ze Frank rightthefuck now. As it’s a wealth of knowledge regarding the insane mantis shrimp, and you owe it to yourself to stay informed:
As you all just learned, mantis shrimp have insanely psychopathic killer tendencies. Now I feel like it’s important to put those murderous inclinations in context of the massive fucking size of that mantis shrimp Steve Bargeron caught, and imagine the hell that thing’s been wrecking on the reef for years.
If you didn’t watch the video, know this one thing: mantis shrimp have an infamous ‘mantis shrimp punch’ in which they stun/attack/kill their prey. Here it is in a GIF I just made for you (thank me later):
Aaaadnd for more details on this horrific catch you can read our full write up on BroBible HERE.
Florida Man Sets New Standard For ‘Worst Cosplay Ever’
He’s not the hero Florida either wants or needs, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t the hero deep within our whitetrashy Floridian hearts! Those jorts, that mullet, the natty on a belt…the only thing he’s missing is either Crocs or ye olde ‘Birkenstocks and socks’ combo. Either way, this man’s a hero to all of us with the Sunshine State running deep within our veins.
Cleaning Lady Finds Burglar Passed Out On Bed With Bag Full Of Stolen Jewelry
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh yeeeaaaaaaahhhhh, my home county in the news! So the story here is that a cleaning lady in Nokomis (part of Sarasota County) found Dion Davis passed out mid-burglary with a bag of stolen jewelry next to him. The cleaning lady managed to snap a pic and then called in the five-o.
The Sarasota County Sheriffs office then made light of it on their Facebook (as you can see below), because why the hell not?
Congratulations to SRQ for making it in to the news this week! Though Nokomis would never be considered Sarasota, and we’d never let them forget that, they’re certainly part of the county and we can’t take that away from them.
2-Year-Old Sticks His Hand In Dad’s Pocket…Fires His Gun…In A Fast Food Restaurant
Hoooraaay for gun safety! Obviously that pic above is unrelated, I’m just a really big fan of that photo. The story here is that a two year old in Middleburg, Florida stuck his hand inside his dad’s pocket and fired off his gun…inside a fast food restaurant…because why the hell not?
MIDDLEBURG, Fla. (AP) — Authorities say the 2-year-old son of a north Florida sheriff’s deputy accidentally fired his father’s personal handgun inside a fast food restaurant.
The Florida Times-Union ( http://bit.ly/Zfw4nr ) reports the boy was standing in line for food at a Wendy’s in Middleburg on Sept. 4 when he put his hand in his father’s front right pocket and accidentally fired the .380-caliber Kel-Tec semi-automatic pistol. Bullet fragments hit the boy’s foot, the child’s grandfather and two female customers.
Idiots beget idiots, and everyone should have to take a test before becoming a parent. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Man Being Investigated For Child Pornography Found To Have 50 Dead Cats In Freezer
#Exclusive #breaking Detectives find 50 dead cats in freezer, seize dozens of live ones in #LakeWorth @WPBF25News pic.twitter.com/Z2zNkTaYZQ
— Terri Parker (@wpbf_terri) September 10, 2014
And last but not least we have this completely WTFlorida story of a man who was served a search warrant by police for possession of child pornography, and once inside the home police found 50 DEAD CATS in his goddamn freezer…just another day in Florida.
An estimated 50 dead cats, which were stored in freezers, and at least 30 live ones are in the process of being removed from a Florida home Wednesday, Animal Care and Control captain David Walesky told USA TODAY Network.
“We have not yet begun to count the dead ones, but staff has guesstimated the total to be around 50,” he wrote in an e-mail.
“I do know that the bodies are spread among 4 separate freezers, which of course is the most unusual aspect of this.”
Walesky did not have the final count of live cats and kittens, but said it would likely be less than 40.
The discovery came after police went to Douglas Westcott’s home with a search warrant and found the cats inside, according to ABC affiliate WPBF, which first reported the news.
Westcott has been taken into custody on charges of possessing child pornography, according to the South Beach (Fla.) County Sheriff’s Office website.