There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time. So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week, your weekly collection of WTFlorida.
A rare fish that eats human testicles has invaded my hometown and I’m scared
As I reported here on Guyism yesterday, the Pacu, a cousin of the Piranha, and which is native to the Amazonian River basin, has been spotted in my childhood hometown of Sarasota. This fish has been reported to eat ACTUAL HUMAN TESTICLES, and it’s probably the most terrifying thing in Florida since Anna Nicole Smith.
Here’s a video of the destructive power these fish wield:
Yes, that fish just attacked, killed, and ate an entire rat. Now picture that rat as your junk and you know what we’re dealing with here. Stay out of the water, folks.
Florida Man left naked wife stranded on sandbar after she caught him and another man blowing each other
Pamela Doster, 45, accused her husband of 2 years, David Doster, 49, of engaging in oral sex with another man. This sparked a violent spat while the two were jet-skiing which ultimately left Pamela stranded on a remote sand bar wearing nothing but a lifejacket. Ugh, Florida…
As you can see from the map above, it’s not exactly a ‘sandbar’ from which you can just swim back to land. That’s pretty damn remote, and a really sh*tty place for a husband to leave his wife.
Passage Key is a well known nudist island, so the fact that she was naked at the time isn’t the real shocker here. The shocker is that Pamela’s husband of two years flipped out after she caught him blowing a dude and left her on an island oasis….
You can real full details here of the incident over here on the Daily Mail.
Ocala woman arrested for doing naked yoga…in the middle of the highway
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m ALL FOR naked yoga. Like, I couldn’t be a bigger proponent of the practice. But when it gets in the way of Joe Florida just trying to drive and go about his business, it becomes sort of a sh*tty thing to do.
Broward/Palm Beach NewTimes reports:
Wearing nothing but panties, with her jeans around her ankles, 51-year-old Michele Cernak was placed in handcuffs shortly after twisting herself into a pretzel. About 10 feet away, officers noticed a running Chevy GMC pickup truck. Cernak confirmed it was hers.
Cops found used syringes, heroin wrapped in aluminum foil, a crack pipe, and a bottle of pills in her vehicle. Cernak said it was all hers except the crack pipe. Still, the police had some digging to do.
It couldn’t just be naked yoga, could it? It had to be cracked up-heroin induced naked yoga in the middle of the highway. Go big or go home?
TSA agent in Orlando doesn’t know Washington D.C. is located in the USA
As reported here on Guyism, Justin Gray of Channel 9 Orlando was trying to fly back to his home in Washington D.C., our nation’s capital, one of the most famous cities in the world, when a TSA agent detained him because the TSA is laughably embarrasing and should be abolished.
How a government employee/US citizen goes through life without knowing where the District of Columbia is absolutely blows my mind and has me weeping for the future of our country. More on the story can be read in our previous report here.
Florida Woman sets record by buying most expensive Starbucks drink ever
Sameera Raziuddin of Pembroke Pines, a 23yr old medical student, just upped the previous record of $54.75 set by a Dallas resident when she dropped an asinine $60.58 at Starbucks. The drink contained sixty expresso shots, soy milk, white mocha, hazelnut, and caramel syrup…and she didn’t pay a f*cking cent for it….wait, wut?
Why didn’t she pay a single penny for the drink you ask? According to TheConsumerist:
The initial cash register total was more than $60, but somehow scanning her rewards card brought the total down to $57.75. You know, only $57.75. Finally, scanning her coupon for a free drink brought the total down to zero.
You can read full details of her outlandish accomplishment here on the DailyMail, heed warning though, this chick’s story will only piss you off.
Florida Man arrested for the 47th time since 2002
Ronald Tyrone Joseph, 45, of West Palm Beach stands charged with robbery. This is his 47th arrest/charge since the year 2002. Now you may be asking yourself what that GIF above has to do with this story? Well let me tell you a little about a man by then name of Ronnie Dobbs….
Ronnie Dobbs is a fictitious character from HBO’s ‘Mr. Show’ who later went on to have his very own movie ‘Run Ronnie Run.’ In it, Ronnie stars in a Cops-esque show where he travels to a different city across the country each week to get arrested. See the parallels now?
According to the PalmBeachPost, Ronald Tyrone Joseph is now facing his 47th charge in 12 years, which has him being arrested nearly once every 4 months. Wrap your mind around that. You can read more of the case details here on the PalmBeachPost.
Dude arrested for trading stolen radio equipment in exchange for new tattoo
Now I’m not certain that this story is ‘WTF’ in the traditional sense, but if we’re going off tradition this couldn’t be any more WTFlorida. When I saw this headline I knew where it took place even before I clicked to read the details.
A 27-year-old Holt man is charged with pawning stolen stereo equipment that he later told officers he’d received in exchange for giving a man a tattoo.
The two sub-woofers, valued at around $900, were stolen from a vehicle that was at the mechanics for repairs in March, according to the arrest report. The subwoofers were found in a pawn shop in May.
Unfortunately no details have emerged on what the tattoo he received in exchange actually depicts. For now I can only imagine the scene of a burning meth house surrounded by a moat of alligators.
Drunk man tasered at Lego Land after telling cops his name is ‘pterodactyl’ and leading officers on a foot chase through the park
Ever been so drunk you thought you were a pterodactyl? No? Me neither, guess I need to step up my WTFlorida game… TheLedger reports:
When Polk County sheriff’s deputies asked him his name, he squawked.
“Pterodactyl,” he told them after a brief chase through the Legoland Florida water park.
He ran into the park’s lazy river, said Carrie Horstman, a Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman. The water course was “occupied by a large number of children,” the report said.
That is when he splashed water on the deputy.
At that point, deputies tried to subdue him with a Taser. But because only one of the probes stuck into Campagna, use of the stun gun was unsuccessful.
He pulled the probe out of his elbow, and it took multiple deputies as well as Legoland staff to chase him down and eventually arrest him, Horstman said.
Ahhhhh yes, the force is strong with this one…. You can read a full account of the ordeal and details of the charges over here on TheLedger.
Florida man suddenly stuck with most regrettable tattoo ever
So Lebron finally made his announcement, he’s headed back to his native Ohio to try and win a championship. Naturally the die hard Miami Heat fans were a little peeved by this, but none are left as spurned as the man below…
Dude. I’m sorry. I don’t even want to hate on you here, but I guess I have to. Did you really think that getting an enormous Lebron tattoo was a good idea? Even if he stayed in Miami forever you still look like a complete a$$clown. Do you play for the team? Is Lebron the godfather of your child? Did he pay for an operation of yours?
No, you like the way he tosses a ball around and think he’s a pretty neat-o guy. I sincerely hope you’ve learned your lesson here, but we all know you haven’t.
A list of the 10 ‘scariest’ states to live in the US came out, and you guessed it, Florida tops the list at #1
Estately.com mapped out a list of the ‘scariest’ states for people to live based on a very specific (and apropos) set of criteria: bears, clowns, prison, flying, hurricanes, shark attacks, spiders, snakes, dentists, tornadoes, heights, meth labs, lightning, volcanoes, and last but not least…murderers.
As you can clearly see in the graph above, Florida is the scariest of all 50 states to live in. But was there ever any question about that? Also, if you want to see how all 50 states rank you can click the graph above and it’ll take you over to the full blog on Estately.