You’re Being Dumb — Practical advice for the modern human

by 4 years ago
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Three young women sat at the table across from me at lunch.

The leader of the group (the girl who talked the most) went on about her ex-boyfriend that’s she’s “so totally not in love with anymore” who happens to be dating one of her friends. She’s “totally fine with that because, whatever, she doesn’t love him.” She yapped for twenty minutes about someone she “doesn’t care about anymore.” Seems like a long time to discuss someone she doesn’t particularly like.

She still loves him. It couldn’t be more obvious.

When she was done, her two friends dispensed the most worthless advice ever. It was so awful I almost thought they were telling her the opposite of what to do, just to screw with her. Nope. They we’re trying to help.
They’re weren’t being of any help.

I wanted to finish my burger, saddle up beside the ladies and tell them “Um, you’re being dumb”, but I like the joint and I didn’t want to get banned for life for harassment. So, I’m starting this weekly column.

This column will dispense practical, honest and sometimes humorous advice to readers about a wide spectrum of topics. The best part? I don’t know these people personally so I can be honest as hell. I only hope it helps.

Yo man,

Alright, so I’m in the library getting work done and I’m sitting next to this incredibly hot girl. We’re making occasional eye contact and I’m feeling it’s obviously she wants me to say something. I’m about to make a move when she gets up to use the bathroom. I wait it out, but she taking forever. You know, “forever.” She’s obviously doing more than peeing. It really turned me off and I kind of ignored her after she got back?

Was this stupid on my part?

Library Look Out

Dear Library Look Out,

Let’s take a second to talk about the last gorgeous woman you were with. It doesn’t matter if the two of you were together for six minutes or six months, let’s just discuss her for a moment. As many points in her life, she’s taking the hottest, sweatiest, most massive dumps in the privacy of her own bathroom. Maybe she even dropped them at work, or in bus stations, or in your apartment while you were sleeping peacefully after the four minutes of pleasure you delivered in the sack.

The point being — she took scorching dumps. Every woman does.

The fact it bothers you is the real issue. It means you’re holding women to some unattainable ideal. Do you want a woman who never cuts rope? She just holds it in for months and months until she’s forced to live on Activa smoothies? That sounds a hundred times more unpleasant than a woman who occasionally builds a home for dung beetles in the library rest room.

You’re being dumb — bathroom break or not, you should have hit on here.  You even had a hand-delivered opening line. “So, I heard you’re the shit.”

————

Hello Chris,

My question is about a recent relationship. A boyfriend broke up with me a couple months ago. We dated on and off for two years and now it’s officially over. I’m actually fine with it now, but, I can’t stop thinking about him. I think about him in good ways, bad ways, or just randomly in the middle of a conversation, or at work, or even running on a treadmill. It’s driving me nuts. How do I stop thinking about him at all?

Signed,

I just thought about him again

Dear Thought,

You’ve got what I refer to as “dudeworm” (for the guys, it’s know as “herworm”) and it’s exactly like earworm. Earworm is when a song or jingle continuously plays in your head until you want to poke your eardrums with the scoop end of a spoon. You can’t help it, the person just keeps springing up in your brain.

The remedy for ear worm is to listen to the song completely, from beginning to end, to kind of tell the brain “alright, there is your fix, not knock it the funk off.” I’m not going to suggest hanging out with your ex to get him out of your head because that would only make matters worse. I’m going to suggest stalking him online. Just find out as much new information about him as possible until your brain screams “enough!” This will make you so sick of his face, and his life, you’ll train the brain to never think about him again.

You’re being dumb — deal with it. Eventually, the thoughts will pass. Unless you’ve got a way to shut off your brain. Try a massive amount of hallucinogens. At least the thoughts will be interesting.

—-

Hey Chris,

I live in the same neighborhood I grew up in. I live near most of my family, but my siblings and a few of my good friends have moved away to bigger cities. My rent is cheap, I’m close to my office, but I feel like most people my age eventually move away. Am I turning into that person who never leaves their hometown and becomes sheltered and weird?

Thanks,

Home Body

Dear Home Body,

As a man who lives on the same road as his high school and college, I totally understand your internal struggle with this issue. You want to appear to people as if you’re moving away from the teets of your parents (your dad has some sweet teets FYI) but it’s just so damn easy to mooch for as long as possible.

You’re being dumb — drag out the situation for as long as possible. Real life is stupidly expensive. The average person is expected to pay obscene money to just kind of survive. You’re friends and family are probably absurdly jealous that you get free meals, free laundry services, and the goody bag from mom and dad.

Just as everyone was allowed to fly the coop and live their own life in a new town, you’re allowed to stick around.

Got a question for me? Email it to cilluminati@guyism.com or ask on Twitter.


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