Yesterday I watched a guy drop his pants and show off his micropenis in a bathroom full of people
In celebration of a friend’s birthday yesterday myself and a few friends headed over to the Pier 6 location of Fornino’s at the Brooklyn Bridge Park, and it was there I saw my ever first micropenis.
My fiancée and myself take our NYC pizza moderately seriously, so I was pretty amped to head over and try something new out. It was tough to breeze past the famous Smorgasburg next door at Pier 5, but we did.
The rooftop views from Fornino facing Manhattan were amazing, the beer selection was lame (only Brooklyn Summer & Ale), but the pizza was solid…so I was pleased. If I had to critique it in any way I’d say the crust could be a little less crispy, but the sauce-to-cheese ratio was optimal and their sauce was incredible. Let’s take a look at that rooftop view, shall we?
On second thought, either I’m a sh*tty camera phone photographer or the view wasn’t that great, but I digress. After a few pitchers it was time to hit the bathroom, this is where the day took a turn for the worse.
Us being at the Brooklyn Bridge Park was no coincidence, one of our friends suggested it because he previously worked in construction and was placed on that project years ago when he first moved to NYC. Why we went there after all the negative things he had to say about the foundation and structure is beyond me, but nevertheless we were there. He explained that there were only two bathrooms (in total) on the ground floor of this building to accommodate both the restaurant and the neighboring park, due to the # of pipes flowing in and out of the structure and the city’s lack of funds to add any more.
So basically you’re stuck with thousands of men and women trying to use bathrooms fit for about 50 people. First time I headed down to the bathroom I went reluctantly, as the ladies we were with had just waited in line ~45min and I was thinking our line would be the same. It wasn’t, I actually breezed through the line and went right in to the stall. Then saw this:
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK BROOKLYN?!?! You don’t bring f*cking sandwiches in to the bathroom with you, you don’t bring any food in to the bathroom with you, ever. You don’t leave half-eaten sandwiches on the toilet. You’re all disgusting and need a serious lesson in etiquette.
All in all I went to the pisser three times at this place, each time got more weird. The second time I head down I’m waiting in line and some mom kicks open the door and pushes her toddler, who’s Hasidic, in to the bathroom and screams “look after him for me, will you?”
I can only assume since I was the closest person in line she wanted me, a complete stranger, to guide her toddler child through the bathroom? Typically I try and not call people out on their parenting, since I myself am not a parent, but f*ck you lady. I’m not putting myself as an adult male in any situation whatsoever that involves children and bathrooms, not a f*cking chance in hell this is happening.
But it’s my third trip to the bathroom where things truly got weird. I saw what I can only assume was a micropenis. I’m waiting in line, in that position where I’m standing just outside the door waiting for someone to walk out so I can enter. We’ve instituted a one-in-one-out rule by this point. Asian tourist tries to walk past me, I tell him there’s a line, he says “it’s okay, I’m just changing” and proceeds to walk past me.
In addition to being pretty drunk by now, given that we’d been at this place for a solid 5 hours drinking, I’m flabbergasted and didn’t really think it was worth arguing with him. But then someone steps out of the bathroom, I enter. As I enter I walk in to a truly strange world. A world where there’s now a bathroom attendant on duty due to women trying to sneak in there all day to pee, which I later found out is charged as a sex crime, and the bathroom attendant is now yelling at this tourist about how it’s unfair and he needs to get to the back of the line.
The guy’s response “No, it’s okay, I’m just changing. I don’t mind sharing a stall while they go to the bathroom.” To which the guy washing his hands sporting face tattoos and all gets involved “man, nobody wants to be pissing while you staring at they d*ck. Dafuq kind of place you think this is?” The tourist just doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand why he can’t skip the line to ‘just change.’ Someone offhandedly makes a joke that he should just change where he’s standing.
So he drops pant and changes right there in the middle of the bathroom. 2.5ft away there’s a little toddler girl washing her hands with her dad accompanying here, and now there’s this nasty ass, possibly chemically imbalanced tourist ass naked in the middle of the bathroom with it all hanging out. And it was right then and there that I saw my first micropenis.
So what the eff Brooklyn? You’re only as strong as your weakest link, and I saw several seriously weak links yesterday. It’s not fair to blame infrastructure & lack of bathrooms for your deplorable behavior. Eat less, drink less, go somewhere else that can accommodate you. Just don’t pull your little wangers out in front of kids and eat sandwiches on the crapper, then leave those sandwiches there for the next person.
I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t go back there just for the pizza, but the bathroom experience itself probably has me staying away until at least next summer. You’re gross, you’re all gross, you need some f*cking manners.