If you’re like me and a.) have sisters b.) have female friends or c.) exist in this world, you know what I’m talking about here. These are my top 20, but if you’ve got others, feel free to leave them in the comments section below. Girls: if you do any one of these, please stop.
20. Choosing clichéd quotes for your Tinder.
Usually it’s something about being adventurous, crazy, or living in the present, but sometimes you get gems like, “To tell you about me I would have to know about me.” Really? That’s what you’re gonna put out there? Personally, I’d take the girl who thinks she came up with, “It’s going down – I’m yelling Tinder!” over that existential garbage any day.
19. Making terrible cocktails/mixed drinks.
I get it—maybe you’re used to having someone else make your drinks, or maybe somehow all of you enjoy half liquor drinks, but isn’t it worth learning how to make a decent drink? You know, one that your guy friend won’t want to spit out. Just a thought.
18. Calling your mom Every. Single. Day.
Why do you do this? I get that there are certain exceptions for more serious stuff, but if you’re calling just to call… not much has changed since yesterday. You seem clingy, not extra in love with your mom.
17. Texting while driving
Some people are gluttons for punishment—guilty!—but gluttons for death? Don’t really get that. You’re in control of that one. May this get you to do what that red, octagonal sign normally does when you’re not texting while driving.
16. Turning everything into a photo opp.
The occasional photo is fine, but not every drink at a bar needs to be documented. I’ve argued about this with girls for years, and now, finally, science is on my side.
15. Pretending to be friends with girls and then badmouthing them behind their backs.
Can’t you just NOT be friends with them? I promise you, it’s much easier.
14. Getting spray tans.
This looks terrible. It’s not worth it, I promise you. Even in Jersey. And don’t fiddle with the filter on your camera, either—that’s just as bad, and we know when you do.
13. “Oh my god, I literally died.”
No, you didn’t. You figuratively died. Saying you literally died makes me wish you were literally dead though.
12. Speaking in text talk.
Lmfao. Lolz. Yolo. OMG, why am I talking to you.
11. Taking 1.5 billion years to get ready.
It’s like science or something. Sucky science. You don’t need to try on three different dresses. You don’t. If you’re going to ask me if you look good in a dress, please believe me if I say you do. If you don’t, I’ll tell you.
10. Asking questions during sports
There are very few sacred times in a man’s life. I can think of three: sports, movies, and sitting on the toilet. Harass me during any one of these three, and you’re gonna have a bad time. Now, I’d love to help you understand the rules before or after the game, but right now is not the best time.
9. Seeing Kate Upton in a movie or magazine and critiquing her hair, collar bones, whatever.
NO. I take it back—men have four sacred things, and Kate Upton time is one of them. I don’t care that she has hair extensions, and how dare you suggest that she has stretch marks.
8. Duck face.
Who started this? WHO? And it’s getting worse, you know. I’ve been talking to girls who just make the face out of nowhere—no one’s taking their picture. They just use the face in normal conversation, as if duck facing is the most natural thing in the world, like smiling or frowning. It’s awful. We have to stop it spreading.
7. Skinny arm pose.
Oh boy, where to start. OK, first off, in an effort to make your arm look skinny, you’re making your arm look like a clothes hanger. It juts out awkwardly from your body, and looks unnatural. If it’s for one picture, fine—Aha! She does have skinny arms—but there’s just no reason to do it for Every. Single. Photo. You look horribly posed and, quite frankly, uncomfortable.
6. Posting pictures 24/7 of your pets.
Girls who do this come in two types. Either you just take pictures of him every day of the week—“OMG, you’re dog looks so different today than it did on Monday! Crazyyy.”—or you dress him up in “fun” outfits: “Oh, you’ve wrapped him in a scarf? He must be miserable. Er, I mean, he looks great! Really sophisticated and stuff. So glad you posted that for the world to see. Nice work.”
5. Whining about feeling fat instead of going to the gym.
Can’t help you here—apparently everything I suggest sounds insensitive. “You’re not fat, you look great.” Liar. “Just go to the gym?” No, no, that’s a ridiculous idea.
4. Diet Monday.
“Guys. You guys. Seriously! I’m starting a diet this week.” Ugh.
3. When you assume your boyfriend’s a mind reader.
“What’s wrong?” we ask, because we’re sentient beings. And then that single word of death: “Nothing.” Which, of course, means: “Read my mind. You should know.”
2. Playing dumb.
It’s not cute, and no one wants to date an idiot. You know what’s cute? Being smart. Saying that witty comeback. Carrying your trivia team at the bar. Correcting your boyfriend’s math because he’s terrible at math and almost over-tipped by 10 percent. You know, just some random examples.
1. “Whoa, I forgot to have dinner!”
Whoever first said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that” was NOT talking about dinner. Everybody has time for dinner. Everybody. It doesn’t matter what your job is, how busy your day was, etc. You have time to take food and put it into your body. Say it with me now: “I solemnly swear that I will not forget to have dinner anymore.”
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[Duck face image via Shutterstock]
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