It’s been a busy couple of weeks for celebrities doing outrageous things just to get people to notice them. First we had Scout Willis (clearly Bruce Willis and Demi Moore read To Kill A Mockingbird in 10th grade like the rest of us) walking around topless in New York City “in protest for her Instagram rights” (#2014problems).
Then we had Rihanna showing up to some bogus awards show’s red carpet basically naked, because dresses that cover your genitals obviously don’t exist.
And finally, there’s V Stiviano, who’s been in the news pretty much every single day since she baited an 80-year-old uber rich guy into saying things that 80-year-old uber rich guys say the Donald Sterling scandal broke. Most recently, she claims she was beaten up by a duo of racist white guys outside of a NYC club, which I’m sure is a completely true, not-at-all fabrication or embellishment of what actually happened.
In light of all these extraordinary people doing world-changing things lately, I figured it’s as good of a time as any to take a look at the current power rankings for the most attention-seeking celebrities in the game today. Some of them are musicians, some of them are athletes, and some of them, well, I don’t know what they are. What I do know, is that every single one of them is an asshole. On to the rankings.
10) Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner has the distinction of being the only person on this list that I actually want to see more, not less of, for obvious reasons. However, hot as she may be, it’s hard to wash off the stink (not literally, that’d be gross) that comes with having been birthed from Kris Jenner’s womb. Her most notable attention-seeking moment has to be the nip pic that almost collapsed the internet late last year. There have been a number of racy Instagram posts since, but who can blame her when you’re trying to “keep up” with the rest of the Likesandcommentsashians.
9) Michael Sam
The story started out OK – star college football player with heartwarming back story comes out of the closet, with an NFL career yet to even begin. But then the draft happened. And the relentless coverage surrounding a guy who might not even get drafted happened. And this happened.
Which I honestly didn’t have a problem with, nor do I think anyone should. Guys kiss their significant others after getting drafted all the time, it just so happens that Michael Sam’s significant other is also a man. But then a reality show on Oprah’s network (almost) happened. And it became clear that a guy you had originally rooted for when his story first broke was quickly going to become a guy you’d grow tired of seeing.
8) Jaden Smith
I know he’s only 15 years-old ,so being in the spotlight is probably really exciting for him, but age is thrown out the window when you wear a fucking white Batman costume to a wedding, like he did at the Kimye wedding last week.
Also, there’s his Twitter, which is fantastic.
7) Rick Reilly
In case you don’t know who Rick Reilly is, he’s the hackiest, corniest, absolute worst sportswriter on the entire Internet, a place that houses roughly 68 billion other sportswriters. His latest gem came in the form of maybe the creepiest column I’ve ever read, a letter to Derek Jeter’s unborn children. And look at these tweets, which I didn’t have to dig very hard for because they were both within the last week.
Not sure a lot of players who shower together want to constantly hear the word “microsoft” but ok. #Ballmer #Clippers
— Rick Reilly (@ReillyRick) May 30, 2014
Ballmer reportedly offering $1.8B for Sterling’s Clippers (plantation not included) … http://t.co/0mtqgPm2QR
— Rick Reilly (@ReillyRick) May 29, 2014
Those might be the two lamest jokes I’ve ever read and they both came from his keyboard within a day of each other. It’s become abundantly clear at this point that he’s the best troll in all of sports and that all he’s after are the angry reactions that drive up pageviews, so in that regards I guess I have to applaud him.
6) Floyd Mayweather
I’ll be honest, I absolutely love Floyd Mayweather. Something about being the best in the world at something and not being humble at all about it is totally refreshing in the politically correct world of 2014. But Floyd, stop posting pictures of ridiculous bets you’ve won because we know there are just as many tickets (probably more) that you lose on and never post.
Also, there’s absolutely no chance in hell Floyd and Bieber actually hang out, so bringing him out in all of his ring intros (and making sure he’s walking in front so everyone can see him) is the very definition of attention whoring. Still, keep doin’ you, PBF.
5) Lady Gaga
I mean, do I really even need to explain this one? I will say however that she only comes in at #5 because she hasn’t really been in the spotlight as much lately. I’ll bump her up the list at the end of the month when her new con
cert tour starts.
cert tour starts.
4) Miley Cyrus
Anybody who follows Miley on Instagram knows that lately her shit has been straight-up bizarre. She’s either doing an absurd amount of drugs, needs a psych evaluation, or is being weird on purpose and I have her three spots too low on this list. It’s also fun to Google pictures of Miley because sometimes it’s easy to forget that she used to not look like Bieber with smaller tits.
3) Rihanna
I already referenced the red carpet pic from this past week, and the pic above was her at a Nets playoff game a couple weeks back, where she again goes full Sue Ellen Mischke and is flaunting society’s conventions! Now I’m not a woman. I can’t speak to the comfort (or lack thereof) to which a brassiere provides. But I do know that a lot of women wear them, especially in public. And extraspecially (totally a word) if they’re wearing a white tank top courtside at a basketball game. And just to be clear, I’m in no way condemning this move, in fact I hope it starts a Regina George-like ripple effect amongst all hot celebrities. But there’s no denying that Rihanna is one of the biggest attention-needy celebs going.
2) V Stiviano
Jesus Christ lady just get the fuck out of my sports news already. I’m no bigot, I think the things Donald Sterling said were awful, but in my mind this chick has FAR surpassed Donny boy in the horrible person department. And this new thing about being jumped by two randos in NYC who “totally knew who she was”?
There’s probably a 96% chance that that’s either makeup on her face or that her crazy ass hired someone to punch her in the face so she can keep this weird crusade going where she tries to win over the American public, even though more people may even like Sterling more than her at this point.
1) Kimye (Kim Kardashian and Kanye West)
You know how when you ask someone who the best basketball player ever is, and they just automatically answer “Jordan”? That’s like asking someone who the two biggest attention whores in show business are, and they automatically answer “Kim and Kanye”. These two aren’t giving up this top spot until they break up or they die. It’s just a nonstop onslaught of douchebaggery from these two. Kanye announcing an album where all he does is talk. Kim posting the fucking FLOWER WALL that Kanye got her for Mother’s Day all over the internet.
You didn’t think I’d actually link that, did you? Happy #TBT though.
And finally, I know it was a while ago, but people don’t forget Kanye..