10 Reasons Bros Should Join OKCupid

By 09.24.12

A) You’re a limp-dicked beta male who can’t keep his head above water in the post-college singles scene. Last weekend, you bought a debatably fingerbangable babe a drink only to watch her turn around and pass that drink off to some B-cupped former frat-star — at which point he demonstratively spat that drink all over her tastefully-cleaved milk puppies and exclaimed, “I specifically asked for a VODKA tonic.” Without wide-eyed frosh biddies around to make the questionable decision of impaling themselves on your half-hard ween, you’re lost, a poodle among Rottweilers.


B) You’re curious. You’ve heard whispers that a whole ocean of E-Z P. recently migrated to this mysterious place called the Internet. Your boy Jonesy claims he bedded two non-paper-baggers he found there just last week. “Sober, bro, sober,” he boasts with a grin. Your atrophied member is threatening an erection just thinking about it. Apparently Jonesy successfully plied a girl with a three-dollar coffee. Coffee! And not even the Irish kind.

I like to think that I was a (B) when I turned to OKCupid: a twenty-first century prospector of sorts, still wet behind the ears and eager to lay stake to his own claim out on the great cyber frontier. The only difference from the gold rushes of yore: where once the objects of desire were material – gold, silver, copper, oil — we’ve figured out how to cut a corner or two in the last 150 years. Instead of acquiring riches to in turn acquire access to a young lady’s britches, OKCupid enables a route directly to the source.

You may think online dating is tacky. You may think signing up represents an admission that your best days are behind you. “F*ck that, I can still pull consistent ass at the bar, brough,” my friends tell me in chorus. But while they pack into sausage-infested pubs and dives every weekend, fighting tooth-and-nail for some girl’s number in the kind of semi-darkness that precludes them from even being able to tell if she rates, I’m balls deep in a lady who’s actually conscious enough to give me a decent reach-around on request, and all I had to do was fire off a series of formulaic text messages.

You’re still dubious; I can sense that. That’s why I brought ammo. Remember dudes, I’m looking out for you. Inviting competition, in fact. Just remember to put my name on your shortlist when the Nobel Peace Prize committee comes knocking.

Without further ado, here they are – the 10 reasons you should join OKCupid STAT:

1. These Chicks are Desperate

OKCupid is like Facebook, really. You stalk some photos, check out everyone’s likes and dislikes, maybe play with yourself to a couple PG-13 Spring Break albums … Only difference is that on Facebook, not every girl has their status perpetually set to “Desperate for a man to take me out, whisper some sweet nothings in my ear and then hopefully not play with my butthole when we f*ck tonight.”

2. College Chicks Galore

What’s that, you miss sleeping with nubile, stretch-mark-less coeds, too? What a coinky-dink. Well guess what? College girls flock to OKCupid en masse. And they are easily duped.

When I tell a girl my age that I freelance write for a living, she rolls her eyes and says, “Get a job. And no, I won’t buy you another drink.” When I tell a college girl the same thing, you know what she does? F*cking melts. She especially likes the part where I talk in a slightly condescending tone about the mixer she’s attending this weekend – “Oh, yeah, I remember those.”

3. There’s an iPhone App

Which means that as the chick next to you on the commute pants from reading “50 Shades of Grey” too fast on her Kindle, you can actually send that very same girl (plus twenty or thirty others), a stock message telling her how you’re “new to this thing and usually shy but (she) just has such beautiful eyes and great taste in music” and you’d “love to buy her a drink this weekend.”

In fact, I tell people “F*ck Temple Runner; OKCupid is my favorite iPhone game. You wouldn’t believe the prize I get when I win.” Because it’s pussy.

4. It’s FREE

I’ve seen the commercials for eHarmony and Match.com, and frankly, I’m not interested in paying monthly member dues so that some algorithm can tell me it found the perfect girl for me. Know why? Because A) most chicks don’t want to pay either, which is why they’re all on OKCupid, and B) I’m not looking for the perfect girl; I’m looking for the one with questionable morals and pictures of herself rolling face at an Afrojack show.

5. Customizable Search Options

So you’re trying to diversify you’re palate, you say? I can dig it. And so can OKCupid, which is why it allows you to search for girls that are “Asian,” “Curvy,” “Under 5-foot-3” and “Looking for: casual sex,” if that’s what you’re into. I’m serious. You can actually do that.

6. The Keys to this Girls Pants Are Right There in her Profile

Imagine the advantage you would have at a bar if you knew every girl’s taste in music/TV/movies/food, religious and political beliefs, career, general interests, etc. before you even met her. You could tailor all your lies to portray yourself as exactly the kind of guy she is looking for.

7. There’s a Built-In Slut-Dar

So OKCupid’s silly “matching” system evaluates your compatibility with other users based on a endless list of questions you are expected to answer. Among these questions are dozens of explicit references to one’s sexual history, behavior and desires. And the answers are published PUBLICLY. So if you’re looking to break out of a slump, you can handpick girls who admit that they are willing to have sex on the first date, participate in a threesome, kiss after oral sex, do anal, etc. Again, I’m not joking. Those are all questions that girls openly answer on the site.

8. Your Kidneys will Remain Intact

So, yes, there are a couple alternatives to OKCupid if you’re looking for some casual sex online: AdultFriendFinder and Craigslist come to mind. There are also well-documented cases of people’s body parts ending up in post offices associated with at least one of those sites. The other just strikes me as shady. And I’ve done my research. So, you know, choose wisely.

9. Clean and Easy Breaks

Think about how many of your favorite bars you can’t go back to anymore because you know that bog-monster you stumbled home with that one time basically resides there. A successful OKCupid bang-out needs little follow-up, so long as you obey the cardinal rule of insisting on going back to her place. She might blow up your phone for a week or two, but that’s easily remedied with a simple “Moved out of state – please cease and desist” or “Recently became a paraplegic; texting you with my tongue right now” or something of the ilk.

10. Maybe – Just Maybe – You’ll Fall in Love

Sorry to go soft on you, bro. Or make you go soft. Either way, OKCupid isn’t just about the pussyhunt. There are actually some stellar chicks to be found there. Listen: you’re probably not going to meet the Angelina to your Brad at the same bar you’ve been treating as a trolling ground for the past three years. Likewise, a lot of the good girls are on OKCupid because, frankly, they try to avoid scumbags like us most of the time. But if you can get her sitting across from you at a nice restaurant, and you shave and wear a clean shirt for once, you might just be able to trick some broad into thinking there’s a good person trapped inside of you.

I mean, you don’t want to live with Jonesy forever, right? That kid can’t wash dishes for shit.

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