The 10 Worst Types of Douchebags
To be fair, each grouping of D-bags possess distinguishing characteristics that might otherwise be somewhat universal. But each of these 10 groups are representative of the greater populous of douchelords that continue to put a negative connotation on the term “bro” and what we stand for. Even non-dbags share some of these traits. However, it is the composite definition that is what sets you apart from them. Either that or you are just a complete bag of dicks and unwilling to face the truth.
The Ghetto Wanksta Douchebag
These dudes can’t stop bragging about their bling or the dangerous shit that they did at that party last weekend. Real shit for them constitutes going home and watching Project X (…which is not-so-secretly the lamest fucking movie EVER!). Wearing oversized white t’s and listening to gangster rap with their windows down and their systems up happens on the daily. They might even have a signature speech irregularity that makes them sound more like they are from Long Island than the hood. These guys either find the whitest black girls or the dirtiest white skanks (usually meth or heroin sluts) to latch onto. Due to a lack of urban knowledge, they still wear copious amounts of FUBU, Phat Pharm, and Tommy Hilfiger.
The Religious Douchebag
As if he didn’t need to think he was holier than thou, this motherfucker really thinks his shit is divine. He’s not some stuffy prick that doesn’t get laid, and he’s not looking for that either. He either finds women that would fit under the tagline “lady in the streets, freak in the bed” or he just has sex and then talks down to all women like they are whores. Like any other bible-belt motherfucker, he’s an alcoholic only to his kids and wife, everyone else thinks he’s a saint.
The Athlete Douchebag
Usually defined more by the group than by the individual (along the lines of the bad rep that frat bros get), these douchebags most notably are members of either basketball, football, or baseball teams. These guys rely on their status as being paid (via scholarships or otherwise) for their awesomeness while in college and afterwards. Hopefully for their sake they have something to be proud of or to tout when asked about their greatness. But what makes these d-bags special is that they can be complete assholes even when they suck and lose on the field (as well as life). Athletes usually have their own slew of sidepieces to keep them busy, while generally toting a regular girlfriend as well.
The Egocentric Douchebag
These bros are usually over the top. When you’re awesome at life, it’s less important to tell people about it all the time. Sure, it happens every so often, mainly when people ask about it. But these guys take that shit to a whole different level. If you take less than 5 minutes to get ready for anything then you probably don’t care (and you should). And it’s nice for even the best looking of us to think we could roll out of bed and look amazing. But be honest with yourself, taking a little time to do some manscaping and such is important. However, spending exorbitant amounts of time on trivial things like ten-step moisturizing is ridiculous and probably too much for those dudes on Queer Eye to have handled. If these guys ever keep more than a one-nighter around, it’s to constantly confirm their hotness and to ensure that they look better in comparison. Surprisingly, most of these guys don’t have perfect 10 girlfriends.
The Drag-racing Douchebag
You graduated high school and you still think it’s cool to put rims and black lights and other needless shit on your car. You put racing stripes on the Honda and some stupid nitrous (plus exhaust) because sounding loud and looking loud are most important. After all that, you decided that putting a $3000 audio system so you could listen to a CD comprised of music that is just for cranking the bass. Your girls have too many tattoos and while they might have gotten enough love from their daddy while growing up, they didn’t get enough love from people their own age. So they act out. And wear really unfortunate outfits that never incorporate any kind of colors.
The Hipster Douchebag
If you’ve ever heard the term “elitist”, then you’re like me and despise hipsters. Nothing is ever good enough for these guys and if you like it, then they probably hate it. They hate the government, but hate Republicans more. Smoking the reefer isn’t a prerequisite, though you would think they did even if they didn’t. If they don’t have lame thick-rimmed glasses (that are just as likely to be worn by one of the clueless NBA players that think they are chic), then they likely have a tattoo of something equally lame on their forearm and they’re planning to get more! Their girlfriends are usually cute enough to want to bang, but awkward enough to want to fix. Still, they are never overstated and rarely are beyond the general social constructs that tend to fence in the hipster dating pool.
The Roided-Out Swole Douchebag
They are likely at a party picking apart every girl in the room and then secretly going home and fucking the fattest one. Spray tans aren’t out of the question and wearing Tap Out t-shirts is still in style (it wouldn’t surprise me if trucker hats were too). Looking at himself in the mirror when he’s flexing or just lifting happens on the reg. He always does some weird shit. Like White Goodman (from Dodgeball) sticking pizza down his pants weird shit. And then he goes home and beats his girlfriend.
The Southern Douchebag
You could just watch Southern Charm on the Bravo network and know exactly what I’m talking about. But for the men that claim to have never watched a rom– com by themselves on a weekend evening (don’t kid yourself), this is what we mean. He’s a dude that hides beyond merely being a gentleman and having the right priorities. These guys rely on corny accents and the inability to get over archetypes of 40 years ago. Girls usually get drawn in easily and then realize how fucking lame their approach is. Seriously, if Thomas on The Real World: Exes is a typical Southern frat boy, then I feel sorry for the female population that have to deal with a bunch of square motherfuckers like that.
The Trust Fund Douchebag
Generally socially detached and sometimes emotionally as well, this kind of douchebag doesn’t need to do much with his life to find some form of happiness. Unfortunately, he’s the guy that will fuck up ten times over and still land on his feet. He will fail out of college, accrue a serious debt to a drug dealer, and then somehow run a million-dollar business with a well-known athlete (sounds vivid, right? or completely true). This dude is never great looking though. It doesn’t always matter, but it does hold him back from scoring any solid long-term tail because they don’t stick around long once they’ve gotten what they want. He’s probably the biggest dick of them all, but he’s also the biggest pussy on the planet. He’s the guy threatening to sue over tiny altercations that he likely instigated. His girlfriend or flavor of the week is either vapid or a set-up to a “good family” from his parents, like an arranged marriage.
The Over-the-Hill Douchebag
These guys are 45 and over and on the wrong side of going to the bar and hitting on 20-somethings. That’s not to say that they can’t consistently smash quality talent that is much younger in age, it’s just to say that they should use other ways of acquiring such talent. But it’s worse still, when they show up with their collars popped and their Nantucket reds just tucked over their boat shoes or loafers (not a weird outfit for a dude this age, although old dudes give collar popping a bad name “ever since I can remember”). And they try to buy shots for co-eds at the end of the bar like they have a chance in hell of going home with any of them. Naturally, they go for the less talented tail, usually the heavier set broads with cleavage for days. You can usually spot one of these douchebags towards the end of an evening with buddies, slurring his speech, and cussing at all the females for not putting out. And they wonder why they are old as fuck and still single.
Top image: Rex Vanderwoodsen