This particular action isn’t just reserved for the Bros. In fact, I’d venture to say that similarly to death and taxes, drunk texting is a certainty in this life.
Here’s the thing though: over the years, I’ve come to notice that there’s really nothing quite like a drunk dude with a phone in his hand. I don’t really know why that is. I have no scientific evidence to support that men are the worst of the worst when it comes to drunk texting. I just know it to be true.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that most of these texts are so cringe-worthy because the underlying motive can basically be boiled down to a booty-call and there’s never anything more uncomfortable than a drunk booty “call” from someone you’re not really interested in. Perhaps if these texts took place during the day, they wouldn’t be as bad, but let’s face it, none of these are getting sent before 2:00 AM (unless it’s a holiday that warrants day-drinking or you have a substance abuse problem).
Instagram Lurking
I’m going to start off the list with something that’s not technically just a text message, but ultimately is just as bad. I think some of you guys think that going back 112 weeks into a girl’s Instagram and then liking her picture will somehow act as a good precursor to a text message. This is not a good approach. A girl is not going to be more receptive to your drunk advances just because you took the time to scroll back and like a picture of her college graduation from 2 years ago.
Female Reaction: He must’ve gotten rejected at the bar tonight so he’s trolling Instagram to temper the sting of his pain.
WRUD?
“WRUD” is just the most primary example of an acronym that I could think of, but it’s not the only one out there being used by liquored up men from coast to coast. Do you think that sending an abbreviated text at 2 AM when you could at least try to PRETEND to be sober and say “What are you doing?” instead is a solid idea? As if somehow the person receiving the text is going to be irrevocably wooed by your ability to shorten an otherwise already short question? I get it, you’re drunk, spelling is hard, but this is just lazy. Close one eye, focus on the screen, and spell that shit out.
Female Reaction: *Has to Google what it stands for*
A Corny Emoji
Including, but not limited to, heart-eyes, kissy-face, winky-face, and smiling purple devil. I happen to think that texting “hElLo CuTie” wouldn’t be as bad as just straight-up sending an emoji.
Female Reaction: Was this intentional or can he just not the find the alphabet keyboard?
Yo
I applaud the less is more approach, but the whole half-assed gangster thing doesn’t really work for most women.
Female Reaction: Yo what….
I Had a Dream about You
I always wonder how often this is actually true when guys say it. Did you actually have a dream about me, or do you think that’s the least aggressive opener? Also, I feel like regardless of the context of the dream, saying you had a dream about someone is always creepy.
Female Reaction: Liar.
Sorry, Didn’t Mean to Call You
I respect the creativity in pretending to accidentally call someone, but it’s kind of an outplayed pussy move that most women will call bullshit on immediately. If flip phones were still a thing I think it’d be less obvious because “butt-dialing” is an option, but it’s kind of hard to accidentally call someone on a phone you need to enter a password to unlock.
Female Reaction: Still lying.
Do you have so-and-so’s Number?
Personally speaking, if someone is late-night texting me for another person’s number I immediately think it’s for something illegal. Why else do you need their number? To play Monopoly? To discuss the fundamental philosophies of life? I think not.
Female Reaction: So-and-so is in jail and I haven’t had their number since senior year of high school.
Can you bring me food?
I don’t know why drunk men are so bad at getting their own fucking drunchies, but I cannot tell you how many times I or one of my girlfriends have received this text. Microwaves were 100% designed for this very reason. Who cares if the packaging says preheat an oven? You’re not going to taste it anyway.
Female Reaction: I wouldn’t bring you food during the day, let alone now.
The Poorly Executed Attempt to Procure Nudes
I’m a woman, so I’ve never had to figure out the delicate art of how to ask someone for nude photographs. Either they’ve been sent to me willingly or I simply don’t ask at all because, again, I’m a woman. I do imagine that mustering up the courage to ask a female to do this is difficult. However, attempting to do it drunk is definitely not the way to go. You’ll definitely end up adding lame winky and saying shit like, “come on baby.”
Female Reaction: Fuck no (;
Aggressive Ex-Text
To the angry Bros out there calling their ex-girlfriends names via text every time they drink, might I suggest buying a journal? If your ex was awful, I feel for you, but nothing good will come out of contacting her after a night of partying.
Female Reaction: *Radio Silence* She most likely blocked your number.
At the end of the day, just don’t drink and text. No matter what, it will most likely end in disaster. Don’t agree? How many mornings have you woken up after a black-out-night of drinking panicking to check your sent box? I’d venture to say a few. I bet that you breathed a real sign of relief when there was nothing there, amirite? Try and hold onto to those beautiful memories and cherish them because they really are a beautiful thing.