Bros, huddle up here. Today we’re going to talk about longevity. Because let’s be honest: heaven probably doesn’t exist. At least not the utopian view some of us have of it. Do you really deserve paradise when you’re most visited site is PornHub? I, for one, would feel guilty as shit strutting into an idyllic nirvana when I inflate my charitable donations on my taxe returns every single year.
So, I think it’s important that we live as long as we possibly can here on Earth because the unknown is nothing to hang your hat on.
And who better to learn how to have the longest life possible than this Englewood, New Jersey woman who just turned 110 years old. Her name is Agnes Fenton. And she was born in 1905. They were probably still using flip phones back then. Pathetic.
Her secret? Alcohol.
According to Fox 8,
Fenton said she drank three Miller High Lifes and a shot of Johnnie Walker Blue Label every day for more than 70 years.
At this point, her daily dose of booze is history because she doesn’t eat as much anymore. However, when asked if her caregivers would let her take a shot of Johnnie Walker for her birthday she said, “They better.”
Hear that, fellas? Three brews and a shot. Fuck the kale salads and fruits and vegetables. If you gave a damn about your well-being, you’d head to the liquor store STAT.
Also, her advice has been confirmed by the 93-year-old Betty White.
Now I just gotta learn how to stop after four drinks.