Life is tough. Sometimes the breaks don’t go our way. If anybody denies it, they are lying or they are crazy. Yes, that includes your friend who keeps giving you books about positivity and “living in the now” for your birthday instead of the Chipotle gift card you asked her to get you on eight different occasions.
So, here is a list of the realizations that we (or maybe it’s just me) have in our day to day life that our life has kind of been shitty…
1. When you hear about an 8th grader Quarterback getting offered by the University Of Miami and you think back to your days as an 8th grader making racist and anti-Semiticremarks on Xbox Live while playing Call of Duty. Then you think of what you are doing with your life now, and realize nothing has changed.
2. When it takes three tries to make a Hot Pocket without burning it because you don’t know how to use a microwave the first two times.
3. When the only matches you get on Tinder are porn bots…..what a troll.
4. When you see you only have $7.43 in your bank account and a part of you is happy with that because, hey, at least, that gets you a decent meal at McDonalds (and maybe a cute girl will be there).
5. When you walk by a free condom dispenser and you don’t take one because “What’s the point?” considering your sex life at the moment.
6. When you realize that the longest relationship you’ve had was with your Netflix account.
7. When you can’t ask anybody to “Netflix and Chill” because the $7.99 a month for Netflix didn’t fit into your budget. You ask yourself “maybe my FWB will be okay with YouTube and Chilling” only to realize you don’t have a FWB.
8. When you have gained 5 pounds since January 1st, and your New Years Resolution was to lose 10.
9. When you find yourself crying to Drake songs.
10. When your crush posts an Instagram with you that says “he is the brother I never had.”
11. When the 7th-grade girl from down the block that you babysat for years gets more likes on Instagram in 10 minutes than all of your photos combined.
12. When your favorite Kardashian is Khloe, because she is the ugly Kardashian and you sympathize with her because you know what it’s like to be the ugly one in your friend group. You then realize that Khloe isn’t ugly anymore, so you cry yourself to sleep.
13. When you order two large cheese pizzas and a bottle of wine and when you are paying for it the cashier says “Have a great date night!” to which you say “Thanks!” to play it off like you have an interesting life, but actually the two pizzas and wine are just for you.
Are you depressed yet? Because I am. In all seriousness, our lives really aren’t that bad. I’m not starving and have running water, but fuck, I still wish I got more matches on Tinder…..