15 Things We Jacked Off to Before the Internet Changed the Game
15. Underwear Catalogs
Whether it be Victoria's Secret or some mall department store, guys have been hacking it to pictures of girls in underwear since the beginning of underwear and having dicks. While not nearly as arousing as their dirty magazine counterparts, they had the distinct advantage of being completely accessible. Your mom left them on the coffee table. Your dad never left his Playboy mags on the coffee table unless he was an absolute pervert.
Plus, if your mom “caught” you looking at one, you could just say you were looking at the jeans section. I mean, she definitely knew you weren't, but it'd probably hold up in court.
14. Real Sex on HBO
If you came from a household with cool parents, they had a premium cable subscription, which usually meant nudity could be found on TV if you looked hard enough (and you did, of course). But your parents weren't nuts, there was no way they were getting the Spice Channel and shit like that with a horny middle school kid living under their roof, so they settled on HBO so they could watch The Sopranos.
Tony Soprano was cool and all, but for a boy going through puberty, Real Sex was cooler. Every episode had a different theme and sometimes they were weird as fuck, like examining the history of pubic hair or some dominatrix shit, but every single episode provided some prime jerk off material.
13. Video Games
Look, I'm not saying I was completely fucked up, I just never finished a level of Tomb Raider in under an hour.
12. Pro Wrestling
Not to be confused with that pussy WWE bullshit on TV today, I'm talking about the World Wrestling Federation, the Attitude Era. I'm talking Trish Stratus. Terri Runnels. Sable. Miss Kitty showing her PUPPPIEEES live on air. I just wish DVR were a thing back then so I could have fast forwarded the Rock/Stone Cold title match and got straight to the Lita/Debra bra and panties match. That was my main event.
11. High School Yearbook
What, you mean you never joffed to a picture of the hottest girl in your high school when you were 14? Umm, yeah, umm, me either.
10. Music Videos
You probably can't even find a music video on television these days, but back in the early 2000's, the “Stacy's Mom” video was like today's equivalent of “Stacy's Mom Fucks Her Son's Best Friend.” “Hit Me Baby One More Time” wasn't just a Brittney Spears chorus, it was also my dick's inner monologue. “Thong Song” might as well have been called “Dong Pong.” OK, that one was a stretch.
9. TV Shows
I thought about making Wild On! with Brooke Burke its own inclusion, but there are frankly dozens of TV shows I used to slap dick to. Saved By The Bell. Murder She Wrote. Home Improvement with Pam Anderson. Baywatch with Pam Anderson. Any other show I'm not aware of that starred Pam Anderson. If it was on TV and it had a hot girl in it, I was masturbating.
8. Our Minds
I know it sounds insane when you think about it now, but if you never busted a load just thinking about getting with your babysitter, I don't think we can be Facebook friends. And before you think I'm getting too specific, just know that my babysitter was my aunt and she's not even hot so that one doesn't even apply to me.
Seriously, how fucked up is it that we used to have to mentally fabricate a situation just to get aroused? Take a short break from this article and for the next five minutes. I want you to try and get a boner by simply staring into space and thinking about something. Porn has spoiled us and has ruined our mental creativity. Just kidding, I fucking love you, porn.
7) MTV Spring Break
I know it's technically a TV show, but it's a TV show in the same way that the Super Bowl is a TV show. It was more of an event, the Super Bowl of Jacking Off, if you will. It had Carmen Electra in skimpy outfits, hot college people getting naked and trading clothes in little clown cars, whipped cream bikinis, and Mark McGrath. What more do you need?
6. Girls Gone Wild Commercials
It didn't even have to be the full video either, which you could never get your hands on anyway unless you had a scumbag uncle living in your basement. Those promo commercials were like three minutes long, and before Jimmy T had gray hair, that was enough time for like 1.7 loads. The pink stars covering all the fun parts were a bummer, and may also explain why I get hard anytime Spongebob comes on (jokes that require thought FTW), but these were simpler times and I certainly wasn't in any position to be picky.
5. Internet Pictures
Just because we didn't have Internet porn doesn't mean we didn't have the Internet. I don't even know how many times I Google'd “Cindy Margolis Naked” and went to work, but it was probably more times than I've been to actual work. These searches always got a little tricky because two clicks down the rabbit hole and you could be looking at a virus on the family computer, but that was a risk we were willing to take.
Remember when I said cool parents had HBO in the house? Well, ridiculously awesome parents sprung for the Cinemax package as well, and of course you had a TV in your room because we've already established that your parents were the tits. This meant about three million late nights with just you, your remote, your mom's hand lotion, and The Devil Wears Nada. And this was before you cared about things like seeing dick actually go into vagina. The chicks were hot, they were naked, and like little kids believing in Santa Claus, you believed they were actually having sex. That was plenty.
3. Movie Scenes
I owned that piece of shit Monster's Ball on DVD. We can probably stop there.
2. Scrambled Porn
Remember when your mom would yell at you for sitting too close to the TV when playing video games? Just imagine how concerned she'd be if she saw you watching scrambled porn. You had to sit that close, though. You wanted to hear the dialogue. You wanted to hear the girl moan. And most of all, you wanted to see a nipple, the holy grail of scrambled porn.
You'd watch the entire fucking movie too, sitting there for HOURS just for those little 2-second snippets where the picture would get juuuust clear enough for you to properly determine whether or not you'd been watching a gay porn flick the whole time.
Before there was Internet porn. Before there was the Internet. There was Playboy. The stack of magazines your dad kept hidden under his bed or in a secret dresser drawer or even some safe you didn't even know existed—your childhood revolved around finding that magazine stash and jacking your little weenus to naked airbrushed centerfolds until the pages were crustier than the Earth's outer core. Nothing made you feel more like “the man” than sneaking one out of the house and showing it to all your friends at the lunch table the next day, while thumbing through the pages and proclaiming, “Yeah, I'd wreck that” just to look cool even though you had no idea what “wreck that” even meant. Those were the days.