27 Things to Determine If You Are Actually Washed-Up
It takes a big man to accept when they are starting to become washed-up. There is no scientific evidence behind this, but as soon as you hit age 26-27, everything just starts to inexplicably slow down.
Maybe it’s the noticeable decline in nightlife activity. Perhaps Tuesday nights become less about happy hour beer specials and more about “But FOX has a tremendous and oft-overlooked Tuesday night lineup.” Or, most likely, you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and the incentive to go out isn’t quite there anymore. Whatever your reason may be, if you think that it’s happening, it’s probably happening. Here are the signs.
1. You fell asleep before 11 pm on a Friday/Saturday and didn’t feel bad about it
2. Getting asked to go out for Thursday drinks suddenly becomes the most arduous riddle ever
3. You hit up boozy brunch mainly for the brunch
4. You are not positive, but there’s a chance that you are STILL hung-over from the six beers that you had on Sunday
5. You have an encyclopedic knowledge of all new shows released on Netflix over the past four months
6. You asked, “Can I please see the dessert menu?” on a Friday/Saturday night
7. The mere prospect of playing full-court basketball is legitimately terrifying
8. You hear a song you like, start dancing, convince yourself that there is gum on your shoe, see no gum and proceed to stop dancing. Forever.
9. The whole idea of hitting on people starts to seem stressful, expensive, and tiresome
10. You get drunk and read books
11. The booty calls/texts are not flowing in quite like they used to
12. You downloaded Snapchat four months ago but haven’t sent a snap yet.
13. You leave the bar well before last call just so you can beat the cab rush
14. You haven’t purchased a new Madden game since 2012 because “the only thing that changes are the players”
15. Your Friday night “turnt” attire is whatever you wore to work that day
16. You haven’t shaved in a week because, honestly, what’s the point?
17. The only songs you know the words to are the songs played on the radio
18. Buying a bucket hat starts to seem like a good, practical idea
19. You go to a party and utter under your breath: “Who are these people?”
20. You likely have a very severe injury that you never got diagnosed because going to the doctor is an insurmountable task at this stage in the game
21. You toyed with the idea of going to a movie by yourself, but you haven’t done it yet
22. Crate & Barrel, though
23. You have to stretch before you even consider doing anything athletic.
24. You have a food rewards card in your wallet that needs two more stamps for a free meal
25. The only shot you can take without sneakily throwing up in your mouth is Fireball
26. “Sleeping in” means waking up at 8 a.m., laying in silence for 45 minutes and playing with your phone for an hour
27. You opened an incognito tab on your Google Chrome browser and typed in: “Am I washed up?”