7 Things A Cougar Will Tell You, and How to Best Respond
1. If you’re at a bar where the bartender (wearing a button-up shirt and a tie) just charged you $8.50 for a domestic bottle of beer, a majority of the people are drinking either wine or martinis, and the music reminds you of John Legend (or whatever else) your parents danced to at their wedding — you should probably get out of there ASAP.
If that’s your thing, sick life Bro, but know that you’re in their (the Cougars) territory. That being said, SHE will probably approach YOU and is looking to see if you can have a sophisticated conversation with her. If you can actually do this, you will then have to explain to her that even though you’re only 21 years-old, you already have a bright future and a successful job that you not only love but also make a healthy living off of. “Making a difference” and “helping others” will get you some major brownie points while talking to Cougars in this kind of bar, which unfortunately is not a setting I’m too familiar with.
2. The other type of bar, the one that I am more familiar with, is the type where your age is the average consumer’s age, and everyone is also as drunk as you not only because they’re having fun but because the beers are actually affordable. The DJ will also be playing very grind-a-licious dancing music, probably by Jay-Z or Kanye West. If you see a Cougar eye-fucking you here, know that they are in your (the Bros) territory.
That being said, YOU will probably have to approach THEM. They will not be looking for any sophisticated bullshit, but rather they will be looking for the ‘young fun guy’ who enjoys being 21-years-old, going to the bar and truly appreciating his life because he knows that being young will not last forever. Hence, why they decided to come to this bar in the first place — they are hunting for some young lovin.’
The best approach is not by conversation but with a dance. Don’t do this by asking her to dance with you because that’s just lame. Instead, put her in a situation so she can’t resist saying no to dancing with you. Find the right spot and start dancing with a random chick; close enough so she can see what you’re doing but far enough so she doesn’t think you’re interested in being her little Cougar Cub.
Rule number one: Don’t be afraid to break it down on the dance floor (unlike the other assholes at the bar doing the new and improved Harlem Shake). When the opportunity arises, ditch your boring younger chick and put your hand out to grab your eye-fucking Cougar and she will most definitely follow your lead and dance with you. There’s also a great chance that she is going to fall in love with you and get wet at the same time, so awesome kudos on that!
Whatever bar or situation you find yourself in, eventually you will have that awkward one-on-one conversation with your Cougar. Here are seven things she will say to you and how you will respond both your Cougar (externally) and to yourself (internally). She just wants your P in her V so relating herself to your age and telling you a little about her life within the first ten minutes is the only way she knows how to do it:
“When I was your age…”
- External Response: “When you were my age I bet you were just as beautiful.”
- Internal Response: What was she really doing when she was my age? Was she the high school sweetheart or was she a cocaine whore? Was that too far? Actually, she seems normal for a Cougar — she was def the high school sweetheart. Is it rude to ask how old she is?
“I’m old enough to be your mother…”
- External Response: “No way…you look like your 27 or 28!”
- Internal Response: Wait, how old is my mom? Shit, you think she knows my mom? Anyway, this bitch does not look like she’s 27 or 28.
“You remind me of one of my son’s friends…”
- External Response: “If I was one of your son’s friends I’d always be using him to hangout at your house just to see his beautiful mother.”
- Internal Response: I definitely jerked it to one of those “My Friends Hot Mom” porn videos before and she totally just made me feel like Turtle from that Entourage episode…
“If only I was 20 years younger…”
- External Response: “I don’t care if you were 20 years younger as long as everything about you stayed the same.”
- Internal Response: Didn’t she just say this shit like a minute ago?
“Age is just a number…”
- External Response: (In a Stifler –Enthusiastic Voice) “OMG I was about to same the same exact thing!”
- Internal Response: If I ask her to do a shot, I wonder if she’ll pay for it? Decisions, decisions…
“My Ex-husband really is an asshole…”
- External Response: “Well, it just so happens that I hate assholes and I think you deserve a great guy.”
- Internal Response: Her Ex-husband is definitely not a Bro. If he catches us at least I can say I hooked up with his wife. He better not be able to kick my ass.
“My son/daughter would really like you…”
- External Response: [Long Pause] “She would?!?!”
- Internal Response: …Fuck…is she trying to hook me up with her daughter, who could very well be hot, or asking me to baby-sit her son? This shit’s starting to get weird.
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