8 Signs That She’s Faking It And You May Not Be The Sex God You Think You Are

By 03.10.16
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Before I rip the condom wrapper off this subject, I want to clarify something: I have no sympathy for women who fake their sexual satisfaction. Don’t tell me you’re too scared to hurt a guy’s feelings because that’s a crock of shit. Sitting around and complaining about how bad a guy is in bed and then continuing to sleep with him doesn’t make him a joke, it makes YOU a joke!

Some women want the same sexual liberation as men without doing the work. I mean, don’t get me wrong, men didn’t have to do anything to get that liberation, they were born with it — but if we want shit to change we all gotta start being honest. Be open and expressive about what you want. Don’t be afraid to say, “This position isn’t working,” or “moving at that speed makes me feel like a prosthetic sex toy, not a human,” or even “this isn’t PornHub, that hole is off limits, pal.”

Now that I’ve got my rant out of the way, I’ll go ahead and discount everything I’ve said and focus on the fact that women do, on occasion, “fake it.” I don’t support it, but I recognize it happens and perhaps if we make more of you men aware of the signs you’ll be able to open up the conversation (doubtful, but here’s hoping).

Disclaimer: I can only really write about sex in one of two ways. It’s either a Judd Apatow movie or Mrs. Smith’s 7th grade health class. I’m going to try and walk the taint (if you’re not laughing, I don’t wanna know you) between them for this article. Don’t be alarmed by a boner joke followed by the word cunnilingus.

 

Monotone

I’d venture to say that not every woman is vocal in bed. That’s fine, no judgement. You’re not there to present a doctoral dissertation, you’re there to orgasm. However, if she is vocalizing things, be aware of her inflection. I promise that if her voice isn’t wavering whatsoever and she sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher…she may not really be into it.

 

Kissing
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Not all positions are conducive to kissing (without straining your neck) but with the ones that are, try and pay attention the “intensity” of her involvement. Did I really just use the phrase “intensity of her kiss” in a BroBible article? I’m sorry, truly. Let me rephrase. Basically if she’s kissing you like she’d literally rather be doing anything else, then chances are…she’d literally rather be doing anything else. A kiss is worth 1,000 words gentlemen (I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. Warm weather breeds clichés in this gal).

 

Rushing

Sex, for the most part, is enjoyable. Of course we all have bad experiences. Remember that chick freshman year? Yeah, you know who I’m talking about! The one who pissed herself? No, you didn’t make her “female ejaculate.” That was entirely Smirnoff and pink lemonade. Anyway, those scarring instances aside, you want to make sex last, right? Well, not always. If a woman seems to be in a rush then something might be up. I mean, if you have kids and shit and you’re trying to get in a quickie before bath time then disregard, but I mean in general, for us non-parenting folk. Some women think if they fake their own orgasm that the guy will feel like he did his job and thus finish shortly thereafter. All I’m saying is you didn’t finish her off in 4 minutes. No. I don’t care how good you are at oral, Carl. She just wanted to go to her spin class.

 

“Fine, Good, Alright”

These words are acceptable to describe Chinese takeout, that’s about it. If they’re being used in the bedroom, you’re doing something wrong.

 

Boozing & Boning

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Alright, I gotta be careful with this one. TECHNICALLY speaking, consent doesn’t exist when one or both parties are drunk. However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you happen to find that your lady is always drunk when she decides to fornicate, it may be because she can’t bring herself to be with you sober. Typing this feels really harsh. I feel sorry for any person in this situation. If she’s not drinking all of the time because you suck in bed, then she may be an alcoholic. If she is drinking all of the time because you’re bad in bed, then you’re the reason she’s an alcoholic. It’s a lose-lose for you and her liver.

 

Steady legs/heartrate/hands

I really hope my mom never reads this. Fuck, I really hope my pastor never reads this. Just kidding, I don’t have a pastor. I just sort of wanted to create a context in which I’m a closeted Christian girl looking to shake things up by writing for a sinful website. Oh no, Pastor John saw my BroBible post! He’s definitely going to tell the congregation how much a harlot I am.

Moving forward, the human body is reactive. Undergoing any sort of intense experience will manifest physically. When it comes to sex, good sex, orgasm-inducing sex…steady legs, a steady heartrate and steady hands aren’t a good sign.

 

The Silent Treatment

Sometimes the after-sex says it all, or rather, says nothing at all. If she’s dead silent upon completion, you dun fucked up.

 

“No way, I’ve never faked it!!”

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If she feigns complete and total innocence every time the concept of faking it is brought up, she definitely has. Everyone knows that people generally get really uncomfortable when they’re guilty of something “taboo.”

 

That’s all I’ve got fellas, and sincerely, I hope it helps. None of this is meant to discourage you, in fact, just the opposite. As I said in the beginning, I don’t blame dudes for the perpetuation of this tall-tale. At the end of the day, I just want the good men and women of the internet at large to have enjoyable, safe sex (see what I mean now about sounding like a 7th grade health teacher?)


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