Logistically speaking, no one is a better person when they’re drunk. I know, I know, nobody likes to admit that dismal reality, but it’s the truth. You can argue this with me seven ways ‘till Sunday, but you’re not going to win.
With that being said, there’s definitely a sliding scale when it comes to how tolerable people are on the sauce. I mean, sometimes it’s just a matter of being less shy, or perhaps peeing more, but others times…. Well, it’s downright fucking impossible to be around some people when they’re drinking.
The question remains however, how do you know if you’re THAT Bro?
That’s what I’m going to answer for you now, in a riveting, consumer-friendly Internet listcle. Fasten your seatbelt, motherfuckers.
“I did what?”
If every time you go out with your friends, you wake up the next morning completely unaware of what happened the night before, rest assured, you were difficult to be around, to say the least. I know for some people no recollection = no accountability, but that’s not a safe space you can hold onto for much longer. Stop blacking out, your brain cells and you’re comrades will thank you.
“Can I borrow five bucks?”
I use the figure five bucks loosely as nowhere in any remotely Metropolitan region can you buy a drink for five dollars, but ya know, wishful thinking. Nobody, and I repeat, NOBODY, likes a mooch. If you can’t afford to go out, don’t. Novel concept, I know.
The glorious up-chucker
This is pretty simple, if you’re the dude who pukes when he drinks, nobody likes you.
Quit while you’re behind
If every time you’re drunk you incessantly hit on women who have no interest in being near you, thusly embarrassing all of your other guy friends by association, again, nobody likes you.
The rolling stone
I’ve noticed some Bros are just never happy where they are. In every group, there’s always that one guy who is super drunk and starts rambling about heading to all these different bars and boasting about how the girls are so much hotter there. Here’s an idea, limit the amount of people who are going to see you in that condition, it will temper the sting of shame the next morning.
The pizza isn’t going anywhere
I will never argue with getting pizza after a night out, but is it necessary to start talking about it 2 hours into the night? You will get your pizza, I promise. Stop bringing it up every 30 minutes.
Bull in a china shop
Similar to the vomiting one, this a given, but if you’re knocking shit over left and right, it’s not because you have a cochlear problem and your equilibrium is off, it’s because you don’t know how to drink.
Liquid courage
Are you a pacifist by nature, then all of a sudden you’re a few drinks in and you think you can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee? If so, you’re definitely THAT Bro.
Honorable mentions: you cry, you call your ex numerous times, you see your ex and yell at her in public, you steal things, you drink other people’s backwash, you chant any variation of something about Trump.
I understand that doing a few of these things every once in awhile doesn’t make you the worst bro, but if you’re noticing a pattern, please be aware of the fact that you are an incredible inebriated burden to everyone around you and it would be best if you refrained from alcohol and simply smoked weed.