College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of Arizona State University
[inline:waff]Note from Waffles: College Chick Breakdowns is a weekly piece that sets out to explore all the different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. To date, with your help, we have dissected four large universities (links to those can be found after the post). If you have the urge to talk about the girls at your school or alma mater — even if you think the majority of them belong in non-removable masks — email me at email@example.com and with your help, I will write all about these beautiful ladies. If you are still in high school take detailed notes.
This week’s installment had me foaming at both mouths. I was delighted to get the request to head out west to Arizona State University (ASU), the home to droves of gorgeous chicks and the alma mater of a true patriot, Pat Tilman. Through my research I was surprised to learn that ASU has an assload of famous and successful alums. So many, in fact, that they have an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to them. The eclectic list of noteworthy alums includes congressmen, Olympians, hall of fame athletes, and even a few famous comedians.
Our insider this week is a Bro who rolls under the alias HangBROver. He is a recent ASU graduate and after reading this, you will wish that you were too because not even the dry desert heat is as hot as these chicks. Perhaps we should all say a prayer that the aforementioned dry heat hasn’t hindered these broads’ ability to get wet in all the right orifices. Bow your heads.
The Looks Department
Year after year, the chicks at ASU are not only ranked as some of the hottest girls in the Pac-10 but they are also some of the finest women across the country as well. The entire campus is a site for sore eyes and much of its sexiness can probably be attributed to the fact that a plethora of the chicks at ASU are from California, a state that’s notorious for hot chicks and gang violence.
The warm Arizona climate only adds to ASU’s elite attractiveness level. And our insider says that since girls are often wearing bathing suits, about 1 out of every 7 girls has had some form of plastic surgery done to her body. In an effort to look sexy year round, the broads at ASU make sure that they are always tan, toned, and unwavering when it comes to their strict eating disorders. I like it when a girl’s teeth are see-through from puking off all the enamel, don’t you?
To flaunt the fact that they have gorgeous women cavorting about the campus, someone associated with the school (or just a random pervert) puts together a yearly calendar called the Tempe 12. In a nutshell, the calendar consists of 12 absolute smokeshows that any man, young or old, would want to f*ck till his dick cried for mercy and crept itself up into his stomach.
To gauge just how promiscuous the ladies of ASU are you have to look no further than to the day of freshman orientation when you will go on a tour that takes you to “Manzy,” a 15-story dormitory that houses over 1,300 students. Manzy is one of the oldest dorms on campus and during the tour, your acne-faced guide will take the time to let you know that half of the students living there have an STD (statistics show that one-fourth of those cases is probably herpes, or the gift that keeps on giving, as my infected friend Steve calls it), thus earning the dormitory the nickname “15 floors of hoes.” This explains why HangBROver told me there is a long line at the health center from Wednesday thru Sunday morning for the $25 STD check.
It’s no wonder why these girls love sex: the academics at ASU are a joke and the athletic teams never live up to their potential; these poor things need something to occupy their spare time. But I’m sure that a poor academic curriculum has no bearing on why chicks have no problem shacking up on a nightly basis. Every day of the week you will see “shackers” roaming around campus — in last night’s outfit — doing their own special rendition of the “walk of shame.” No one, however, looks down upon these ladies. At ASU, jackin’ up your skirt and enjoying a dick is not only accepted but commonplace.
(Fun Porn Fact: In 2001, the vice president of the student body got his frat shut down for filming a adult entertainmento in their frat house on the row. From that day forth, this guy was considered a king to all bros at ASU. For those looking to fap off to it, the name of the adult entertainmento is Shane’s World 29.)
Nightlife at ASU is a mixed bag. Partying here is like an interracial orgy — there is something for everyone: house parties, bars, clubs, methamphetamines, you name it. Not to mention that the booze in Tempe is dirt cheap and the chicks at ASU don’t give a f*ck about having an ill reputation for being booze hounds; they can, and most certainly will, drink with the boys. We will just assume that they’ll barf up those empty calories when we’re not looking.
In terms of off-campus nightlife, there is a strip with about 15 bars located less than a quarter mile from campus. This area is called Mill Avenue and I am told that the strongest and cheapest $3 Long Islands are served at Mill Cue Club. If you fancy the underage tail or you prefer a club scene, the best place to go out is in Scottsdale. Every blonde chick there has fake beast wagons and she only goes there to get the free bottle service and a rich older guy. Scottsdale is also the best place to go for anyone who is under 21 since apparently the underage have lots of trouble getting in anywhere else with their fake IDs. Bars close at 2 a.m. so if you are looking to score some strange, your time is limited.
In the fall you can find half-nekked women at Oktoberfest at Tempe Beach Park — located about a half block from campus. This party takes place in early November and generally turns out to be a scene of drunken carnage. If you go to ASU and are looking for a three-day bender stacked with three essential ingredients — booze, broads, and illegal narcotics — this is your Graceland.
Since every fraternity has their own pool (let the awesomeness of that marinate in your brain for a while), ASU is home to the best pool parties in the land. Sigma Chi throws “Breakfast Club” every Saturday morning, which is an all-day pool party starting at 10 a.m. Sex in water sucks but I’m told that these little gatherings are great places to put on an invisible condom and get the clap from some dirty slam pig that your mother wouldn’t approve of.
Greek life is big at ASU, but our source tells us that the frat scene is slowly dying thanks to several rule-breaking fraternities filled with dirty scoundrels who enjoy uncouth activities. Nice work, gentlemen.
The sorority scene, for the most part, remains intact, with some of the hottest little vag*nas in the country. The girls at times can possess an “I’m better than you” attitude but that’s usually nothing a golden shower or a Hot Carl won’t fix. On the upside, while girls campus wide have no qualms about spreading their gams for a roll in the hay, we’re told that the lovely ladies in the Greek community have a unique dick fervor all their own.
Here is how the girls at ASU stack up in certain areas:
Willingness to f*ck (DTF): A
Daddy’s bank roll: B+
Alcohol Consumption: A
Interest in Athletics: C+
Maintenance Level: B
Prevalence of Fake Tits: A-
Overall Grade: A