Live-Blogging Tonight’s Two-Hour Episode of ‘Jersey Shore’

by 8 years ago

I’ll start live blogging tonight’s two-hour episode of “Jersey Shore” at 10 p.m., but to tide you over until then, here are a few Seaside Heights-related links that I stumbled upon this week:

  • The original “Jersey Shore” — Wildwood, N.J. — circa 1980s sometime, is up above. [Dangerous Minds]
  • A hilarious video of kids re-enacting “Jersey Shore,” complete with plenty of juice… boxes. [Babelgum]
  • Snooki lip-dubs to Britney Spears’ “Radar.” Isn’t that just perfect? [YouTube]
  • Yes, there is a “Jersey Shore” iPhone app. [Tingalin]

    The live blog starts here at 10 p.m…

    10:00 p.m.: Two hours of Jersey Shore?!? Hell yeah! That’s one way to get us ready for next week’s finale. I can hardly contain myself. I’m reaching for the bronzer as we speak…

    10:03 p.m.: The only thing we care about is getting girls. Getting girls and going to the gym. “The Situation. I’m with him. Sammi, we don’t care about your shit! Go away!

    10:06 p.m.: It’s the first time we’ve had girl drama in the house all season. Hopefully it’s the last unless these broads start pulling hair extensions.

    10:08 p.m.: It’s about damn time a cast member banged in the hot tub. Its taken this long?!? This also might be the first time The Situation got laid (that we know of anyway). I’m excited to see what happens after the break.

    10:13 p.m.: Snickers meets a random dude at the bar and thinks it’s weird that she likes him cause he’s Irish. I realistically think she’d like any dude as long as he’s got at least three inches of meat on him.

    10:15 p.m.: Snickers the vet. She delivers animals…

    10:16 p.m.: Snickers cockblocks The Situation. He still can’t get laid…

    10:16 p.m.: “We didn’t have sex. I don’t know why.” — Snickers. She thinks he’s clean. Why? Because he’s not like the usual guys.

    10:22 p.m.: We’ve got a major situation! The Situations girl has a friend show up at 9 a.m. and she’s banging on the front door. Apparently The Situations girl missed work and her family was calling the friend all morning.

    10:23 p.m.: Snickers is saving herself for the cowboy…

    10:26 p.m.: Ronnie isn’t allowed to talk to other women. Yeah, I want that kind of psycho girlfriend.

    10:28 p.m.: The look on The Situations face now is priceless. He does not like Vinny macking his sister.

    10:29 p.m.: Oh shit. Tonya just showed up. Vinny has two girls in one bar. He’s f*cked.

    10:32 p.m.: Vinny has The Situation’s sister on his lap. This is probably when he executes.

    10:32 p.m.: Pauly’s Israeli girl won’t bang him because religious Jewish people don’t have sex before they’re married. She won’t even give him a beej tho??

    10:39 p.m.: Snickers is chilling by herself in a bubble bath. That’s classic stuff.

    10:42 p.m.: The Situation just dropped the fat diss on Snickers. The clock starts on how long it takes til Jwoww throws the punch. I say 10:57 p.m.

    10:48 p.m.: Are they gonna go out to the club or what?

    10:51 p.m.: Vinny is on f*cking fire right now!

    10:52 p.m.: “She ditched the zero and went with the hero, I guess.” –The Situation

    10:53 p.m.: Jwoww says she’s gonna knock The Situation in the face and we cut to commercial. My call might be a couple minutes too early…

    10:55 p.m.: Get the barf bag ready for that movie “Dear John” because it really looks unwatchable.

    10:58 p.m.: Vinny cock blocks Snickers. It’s a house of cock blocks.

    10:59 p.m.: And there’s the shot to the face. The producers come rushing in. Jwoww is probably off the show. I lose by two minutes.

    11:01 p.m.: What the f*ck are private protection services???

    11:02 p.m.: “If you leave, I’m gonna stuff your f*cking nose with tampons.” –Snickers to Jwoww

    11:05 p.m.: I find it highly amusing that The Situation and Sammy are having a bit of a heart to heart about Vinny’s shit talking. There’s definitely a friendship there that the producers don’t show. There has to be a reason she listened to him when he told her Ronnie was talking to a chick.

    11:09 p.m.: We all would’ve made the same choice as Pauly. He chose the girls that might actually touch his dick.

    11:11 p.m.: Now this is too made for TV! Snickers brings her farmer to a bar and there’s no one there when they’re dancing?!? C’mon. They’d be somewhere else.

    11:12 p.m.: Woah! The Israeli just came out of nowhere. Pauly’s missing out on some fine p*ssy because of her psycho tactics.

    11:13 p.m.: A STAGE FIVE CLINGER!

    11:15 p.m.: Haha. This is great. When we get back from the commercial, Pauly’s going to have a phone conversation with his Israeli Stalker.

    11:20 p.m.: I’m laughing my ass off over here. The Situation and Pauly just dropped 10 pickle pieces around Snickers’ bed.

    11:22 p.m.: Vinny starts smelling his shirt because he thinks that’s where the smell is coming from.

    11:23 p.m.: Of course Snickers is more upset that good pickles got wasted as a prank.

    11:25 p.m.: Is it Pauly’s time to talk yet?

    11:27 p.m.: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Let’s get ready to rumble!! (After the break…)

    11:29 p.m.: Digital harassment campaigns? Really?

    11:30 p.m.: What did I tell you about The Situation and Sammi having a bigger friendship than the cameras show??? He just told her about the prank. Either they’re really close and the cameras aren’t showing it or he loves her.

    11:31 p.m.: And typically Sammi sells out The Situation. That b*tch would never pass the Mario test. She’s a pig and she can’t be trusted.

    11:38 p.m.: Here comes more house drama. It’s an ambush on The Situation. Notice how Pauly isn’t saying anything. That’s why he’s the most loyal dude in the house.

    11:39 p.m.: Memo to Ronnie – Sammi is not a 10.

    11:41 p.m.: Barf.

    11:43 p.m.: “I guess she wants to go out with a big bang, literally.” –Vinny in reference to Snickers.

    11:44 p.m.: And there’s the Israeli again. It’s a good thing she’s not stalking Pauly.

    11:45 p.m.: Snickers’ dude obviously didn’t wanna take credit for making out with her cause he didn’t sign the waiver to show his face.

    11:46 p.m.: Why is Pauly even giving this psycho the time of day?

    11:47 p.m.: Snickers proves once again she’ll take anything.

    11:49 p.m.: Ronnie once again shows his maturity by running back for a fight and cleans the dude out in one punch. Napoleon complex, much?

    11:55 p.m.: Napoleon gets arrested. Bigga surprise.

    Well, that’s it for this week. There’s a tear in my eye. There’s only one episode left of the best reality TV show of all time. I’m throwing my own finale viewing party (costumes encouraged) next week and I hope you do the same. Pictures of the best costumes from my party will make it up on here. “


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