10 Solid Pieces of Advice for Laxtitutes
If you've read the blog or book, you know two things; one, I am pretty shameless, and two, my epic bought of shamelessness began as a freshman at the University of Maryland in 2004 when I managed to convince Dave Cottle that I would be the world's greatest men's lacrosse manager.
Basically, I became a lacrosstitute with a fancy title. Yes, I was granted the gifts that actual managers get: early registration for classes, allowed to take tests early, and miss class for games. But the truth was, I just wanted an in with the boys and, like other ACC schools, lacrosse was a solid way to meet a bunch of new potentials. And it sounded official, so I could use it as an excuse to my mom; “Mom, it’s my job.” Right.
At 26, I can still remember with blurry vision the walks of shames. My closet is still full of sweatshirts, shorts, and boxers I stole, and every now and then, lax will come back to haunt me as an adult when I go out on a date with a former Georgetown lacrosse player or former Hopkins long pole that happens to read the blog and know every single one of the guys I’ve written about. “Oh you went to high school with so and so?” “Oh you went to Blue Chips with that guy?” “Oh, he's your brother? Sweet.” Lacrosse was like drugs in college – it seemed like such a good fucking idea to experiment and have fun on that sh*t, but the older you get, the more you realize how much of it stays with you. And you can really only remember, like, half of it.
That's not to say I don't love that team still with all my heart. Maryland Lacrosse is just something that no matter how much they ever f*cked up or the sh*t I got myself into because of them, I'll still value the friendships I made and the lessons I learned and the sexual positions I tried with them. And as I get older, I still feel like I can fall back on them if I ever needed them. In college, they protected me from over aggressive Pike dudes at Bentley's. As an almost-adult, they tend to be there for me after a breakup or for a good tough love chat. Or for beer and crabs when I'm in Baltimore.
Even the younger ones — the ones I fondly call my “Baby Terps” – the freshman class of my senior year. Those boys have a special place in my heart as well because after the book got published and BroBible ran some excerpts, they got a taste of what it was like to have a chick like me as manager. And as I got the funny messages and e-mails reminding me that they were only three years younger than me, I got to watch them go to the NCAA Championship, beat Syracuse in epic fashion, and remind the teams in the tournament that when Hardshells have a chip on their shoulder for being unseeded, they'll pull a hidden ball trick on your ass. While the boys of my college years were my big brothers, to me, the class of 2011 became my little ones. And it's gross that if drunk enough, I'd probably make out with them too.
People mock me for the fact that I openly admit I was a total laxtitute, but I don't give a sh*t. I had a great time and the good that came from it outweighed the bad. But recently with Twitter and Pintrst and Facebook getting bigger, with Tucker Max and The Duke Lacrosse case and George Huguely case talking about that culture way more than when I was in college, I have some pearls of wisdom to the new generation of lacrosstitutes. Trust me, I'm a pro.
10. Don't ever expect to be both a laxtitute and a girlfriend.
There is a solid line of difference and it's very hard to transition from one to the other. You want to f*ck around, steal some shorts and get laid by a hot guy with really solid shoulder and arm muscles? Enjoy the laxtitution and enjoy it for what it is. You want the proudly wear the sweatshirt of a guy that has an identifying number on it to class, good luck, and if you're a Terp, you better be in Kappa Delta. I seriously dated one lacrosse player in my life, and he didn't go to Maryland. He was one of the good ones and I got lucky. But that's not to say I didn't go through my phase of “there's no way I could deal with being this dude's girlfriend” throughout college with my own team. I toed the line and got both in four years, but having done both, I'd recommend picking one or the other.
9. Don't make it a team effort.
When I read about laxtitutes on blogs or Twitter these days, these girls seem to make it, like, a pack situation where they're all banging dudes on the same team and they're all interchanging said dudes. There was one lacrosse player throughout my four years that 3/4 of my apartment hooked up with (myself obviously included). My friends partied with the laxers when I dragged them out, but never once did I encourage a group mentality. Lax was my thing, and I knew that. I find girls who go out and do it in groups are too scared to do the stuff they want and enjoy the things they like on their own. Safety in numbers against reps and rumors. In fact, it's the opposite. Own what you do, don't try and normalize it by making it a mini sorority. I made my own rules and did my own thing.
8. Wrap. That. Sh*t. Up.
I love my boys, and always will. But no matter how drunk I was, how badly I wanted to bang, or how long it took, I never went sans condom in college. I get enough sh*t about STD's because of my blog, and everyone assumes I have one when I own the title of laxtitute with pride. I don't, and it's because I was smart enough in college to know if I was going to enjoy that lifestyle and own that title, I never wanted anyone to say “I told you so”. These dudes f*ck around, and I know it's a pain in the ass when your lax bro is so wasted you're lucky he can even stay awake, let alone get a condom on, but trust me, be a laxtitute with SOME standards. Protect yourself and protect them. No one wants to bang the 19 year old pregnant laxtitute with the herp.
7. Be a friend.
That sounds incredibly lame, but I guess for me, the reason why I wear the title so proudly and don't give a shit what other people think if they know I hooked up with a few guys on the same team over four years, is because they were also my friends. Not all of them, some of them were assholes, I'm not totally wearing bro colored glasses here. But the sex was so comfortable most of the time because I had actual friendships with these guys that stuck around long after my Dickinson Ave walks of shame ended. Believe it or not, there's usually way more to those dudes than just lax and penis. I was lucky enough to figure that out, and it made everything else, all the shitty sides of being labeled a laxtitute well worth it.
6. Don't be super slutty.
Hi pot, meet kettle. Look, we all do shady stuff in bed, I don't care who you are. And laxers, they have their own brand of shady that still makes me laugh. But don't ever do shady laxtitute sh*t because you feel like you have to. Perfect example: I have never,and will never have a threesome or be tag teamed. I've been asked before — by lax bros, by NHL dudes, by baseball guys, soccer guys — I get it, it's a fantasy. But as much as I enjoy the wild sex, I have the things I won't do, no matter who the bro is, what position he plays, or how many NCAA Championship hats he owns. I know college is supposed the years you get the slut out of you, but try to remember that doesn't mean you need to let guys do whatever the f*ck they want to you. Are you a laxtitute to make the guy happy, or because it makes you happy and you don't care what other people think? There's (believe it or not) a huge difference between being a slut and being a laxtitute. It's all about attitude and standards and reasons.
5. They're smarter than people give them credit for.
As a laxtitute, I got some solid study time with some of the laxers, some of whom were ridiculously smart. I got to borrow thorough notes, partake in lax study seshs and then get some after, and I swear there is no way in hell I would have passed my computer science class if two laxers didn't help me through it. Keep in mind, those boys have mandatory tutor sessions and have to maintain certain grades to play. Just like you don't want people to assume you f*ck around with these kids and rep the laxtitute title because you're a slut with no self esteem, don't assume they're total moron jocks just because they play lax and wear helmets.
4. Steal their stuff.
It'll act as your pjs, nightgowns, and gym clothes until you're thirty if you play your cards right. That hot outfit of three-inch stilettos, smeared makeup, morning sex hair and oversized t-shirt and lax shorts as you walk home? It'll be worth it when the guy asks “can I have it back and you say” I already gave it back to you – as you're wearing it to bed. Seven years later.
3.Don't be the morning hangover girl.
I was that laxtitute and I still get sh*t for it from the boys til this day. You have to realize as a laxtitute, you have a window of opportunity to effectively leave the dorm/house/apartment in the morning without having to have one of those awkward Jon Hamm/Kirstin Wiig chats from “Bridesmaids.” On Sundays, the boys get up, they have breakfast, and they play “Call of Duty 3” in their sh*thole living room. They don't want a girl in their bed until three in the afternoon running the water in the bathroom every time she goes to puke trying to sleep it off. The boys that once lived on Dickinson Ave will side with me on this, as there was legit a day I stayed in a bed until 3 because I couldn't make it four minutes without puking. Don't be that girl. Drink a lot of water and leave at an appropriate time.
2. Be safe.
There are loads of amazing guys who play lacrosse, and I was lucky enough to meet many of them, not just on Maryland's team but Hopkins, Gtown, Brown, Duke, Lehigh… wherever else. But there are also the sh*tty ones. Ones that get drunk and hurt you, ones that get drunk and throw beer bottles at you, ones that will hit you. I've had the beer bottles thrown at me. And I've heard about the ones who will get violent. If you wanna f*ck around with laxers, I'm all for it, but f*ck around with the ones who don't scare the sh*t out of you. Know when to say no, or ask for help, or get out of a situation. Being a laxtitute, it's about having fun and doing the sh*t you want to do and admitting you have a thing for guys with long poles. It's not about putting up with anyone who hurts you, or has the capacity to do so. Be aware.
1. Do it professionally.
And finally, the ultimate tip? If you love lax the way I do – the sport and the boys – try to be a manager. Every coach in the country hates me right now for this suggestion, but the truth is, being their manager introduced me to them and my social scene in college. I got to f*ck around with them and go to their parties and be part of that, but I also got to watch them win. I got to watch them come back in dramatic fashion against UVA in the ACC tournament in Baltimore and play pranks on them on overnights. I got to be part of the game in a way I wouldn't have if my laxtitute instincts didn't tell me being manager would work out on more than just “f*ck buddy” level. I loved the sport and I knew a lot about it and I liked getting to watch it and cheer for them and play loddies on the bus after wins. That part to me, I think that's why I don't care when people say I'm a laxtitute. Because I got so much more than lax dick. And if it comes down to owning the title of being a laxtitute, these 10 rules made it possible for me to be proud, be safe, enjoy myself, and eventually grow up. And by grow up I mean continuing fucking around with former laxers who now have real jobs but still play in LXM Pro events or Gotham League.
Stefanie Williams a.k.a. one-time BroBible contributor Sport McBangin dishes about sleeping with hockey players, baseball players, laxers, and other on her personal blog, Chasing the Jersey. Her tell-all eBook, “Chasing the Jersey” is about “most infamous and sordid experiences with athletes ranging from NCAA all-stars to Hockey Night in Canada headliners.” Go buy it on Amazon.com.