People Anonymously Confessed Secrets About Friends That They’d NEVER Share In Person

By 01.09.17

After reading through this thread of people sharing secrets that they could NEVER share in person I’m beginning to think that no information is safe. You’ll never get secrets out of me…unless you give me Pappy Van Winkle, in which case I’ll start blathering like a Clemson sorority girl at a rush party. It’s unclear if all the people in this AskReddit thread were drinking Pappy Van Winkle while sharing these secrets, but it’s clear that if the people these secrets are about were to ever find out that we all know those people would be PISSED, especially the dude getting his ass kicked at Fantasy Football. Some of these are borderline NSFW, but it’s only words so I’m sure you’ll be fine (via AskReddit):


NedTaggart:
Something I would never tell my ex…I always knew the exact moment she fell asleep because she would fart.


swingawaymarell:
I’m in a fantasy football league at work. I was over in r/ff and saw a post that was identical to a question my work buddy asked me that day. Looked at his username and he used his real first name. Checked his user history, and yup, it was him.
Instead of spoiling it with a “Ha, gotcha buddy!” right then and there, I’ve been following his posts and giving him bad advice on drops he should make, and lopsided trades he should specifically make with me.
This all started 2 years ago, and he’s since dropped out of contention and is now a basement dwelling bottom feeder at about 9th or 10th place.


OGcodyc:
When I first got married my sister in law was living with us. One day, while she was at work, she called and asked that I email something to her from her desktop. This was prior to texting and email on phones being so prevalent. So, I used her laptop and her outlook to send the attachment. I checked the sent items to make sure it went through with the attachment and found an email she had sent to someone of a bunch of pictures of her with lit candles shoved up her ass. I never said anything but had to start hiding all of our stick candles in fear that she’d ass tip all my Yankees


_ArgoNavis:
Found out a few years ago that a friends sister is really his mother and that his parents are really his grandparents. His real mom was so young that they took the baby in and raised him for their own so as not to spoil her future. They are all kind of messed up now unfortunately.


jalepenocheesesticks:
One of my buddies has banged his girlfriends mom numerous times and is still having very inappropriate text/emails with her. She’s married and has a very nice family, so it’s especially wrong. It’s tough to see the girlfriend around and not say anything.


TeutonicTwit:
Discovered that my uncle impregnated a woman just after WWII in Germany and he got sent back to the States before the little girl was born and he married his high school sweetheart and has never acknowledged the German woman and her baby girl even though she sent many letters (which my grandmother kept). Now his 3 kids, my cousins, have no knowledge of their older sister over in Germany!


Strapcityclick:
One of my coworkers cheated on his wife and ended up being caught. His wife gave him an ultimatum of either divorce or convincing another one of our coworkers “foots”, nicknamed for his size 16 feet, to sleep with her. Not only did he get foots to sleep with her, he also apparently watched and enjoyed it. All fine and dandy until the son started working with us as well, it’s something I could never tell him and I assume he’d never want to kno


unseenbepraised:
Strange guy started at my job..Told us he was famous from the state he was from, radio show host, this and that..I decided to do some googling..turns out he was taking upskirt photos of underage girls at walmart.. got arrested and sentenced to prison. He was fired from the radio show, wife left him and took his millions…and all that happened janurary 2016…figured he moved to my tiny town to escape all that from his home town…
TL:DR Old nice guy started at my work..turns out he’s a sex offender.


harrynelson:
One of those porn sidebar ads used a picture of one of my friends.


lunchesandbentos:
My mom has a vibrator. But I don’t actually think she knows what it does and instead uses it on her face (I’ve seen her turn it on and use it to massage a few muscles on her face and neck.) I think if she did, it wouldn’t be sitting right on her nightstand where anyone could see it.
She’s a little old Chinese lady who probably took the words “Personal massager” as a literal translation.
I don’t have the heart to tell her what it is.


reallyhighelf:
Found out that one of my best friends is an illegal immigrant and is totally unaware of it. Slept over one night, went to grab a drink from the kitchen, and her parents were talking about how they might bring it up to her since she was getting older. The irony is that she frequently talks about how illegal immigrants should immigrate legally, and that it’s unfair her parents had to spend the time and money to get here the right way.


furrrsurre:
I know that one of my best friends from high school/college had sex with his sister for an extended period of time. I actually sort of on and off dated her for a while and during that time he got really weird.
Of course at the time I assumed it was just a “hey you’re banging my sister this is awkward” kind of thing. Later on he and I were roommates and she and I had long since stopped any romantic interests.
I used to work Saturday mornings pretty much every week. However, one week I was off and I guess he thought I was gone. I came downstairs and was trying to find him to see if he wanted to do anything that day. It ended up he was in the basement bathroom (where we usually showered and stuff). Before I realized that I went in his room where his computer was and there was a list of files pulled up in one window, dating over about a 3 year period. In another window there was a video up that he was obviously editing and it was very clearly him fucking his sister in the very room I was standing in.
All the files were named stuff like “Me and B- 12162004” and stuff like that…making it pretty clear.
I ran back upstairs and stayed in bed for a while.


MountPlatypus:
That my brother and his wife were screwing while her first husband was on his death bed. And that she blatantly lied to my brother about her being unable to have children, so their first child is not a miracle baby/accident…to her anyway.


Creepmaster5000:
One of our VP’s is into interracial gangbangs. Clear your search history before calling IT to look at your personal computer!


MisterMeanderer:
My boss is going through a divorce and is selling it at work like it is the first time ever and how devastated he is and is using it to gain favor points to get away with coming in 3 hours late and leaving early every day.
Not saying that it might not be devastating, but, allow me to go on.
By the tracking of his schedule I have been keeping (Since no one else does) he is working about 15-20 hours per week for the past 4 months.
I checked into him, he has been married 4 times previously, he had never been the petitioner for any of the divorces including this one, the deed on his house has been changed several times to add & remove each wife from it as well as re-financed to buy them out.
He is a severe alcoholic and a prick in general.


BoxofLazers:
My sister’s boyfriend, while a great guy now, was a troubled youth. He grew up with his grandparents as his dad is in prison and his mom is unreliable (drugs). Once when he was a teenager, he was so angry at his grandfather for some reason so he used his toothbrush to clean the toilet. Funny, right?
His grandfather contracted a bacterial infection so bad that he ended up losing all of his teeth and now wears dentures.
I’ll never bring this up to him because he’s a genuinely changed person. I knew him when he was in high school, and he’s nothing like the person he used to be.


txpharmer13:
One day while looking through Flickr, I came across some nude pictures of my coworker. She has lots of photo albums on her account. Turns out she and her husband are swingers. I work with her on a daily basis. I would never tell her I have seen them.


Alright, bros, that wraps up the coverage. If you’ve got a secret you want to get off your chest you can always fill out our anonymous tip line, and if you want to keep reading through more responses in this AskReddit thread you can click here to see them all!


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