The One Major Sign That A Girl Is Pissed That Every Bro Misses

by 3 years ago
Angry Girl

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I thought I’d start this week’s Ask A Bro column a little differently. I’m going to discuss and incredibly “un-bro” moment that I witnessed on the train this week.

My morning commute sucks in an indescribable way, but I’ll try best to sum it up with words, because that’s how I collect a paycheck. My commute involves an hour train ride. Train travel hasn’t exactly caught up with modern times unless the fact that most locomotive now include more than one toilet is counted as progress.

To make matters worse, the commute involves people, and as we all know people blow. Especially people just as miserable as myself, all traveling on a frequently delayed steel wagon to a job they probably fucking despise. Imagine if your car ride into school, or work, or wherever you go all day included the company of three strangers all just as wretchedly unhappy with the looming work day. You’d probably open the driver door and jump within minutes.

On my way into hell on Tuesday, my train car filled up at the second to last stop before the final destination. Because seats are at a minimum, people dash and push and clothesline one another to claim open spots, because god forbid a person has to stand for the less than ten minute trek into the terminal. In an effort to grab some wood, and get all of his gear storied in the rack above his chair, this guy accidentally spilled coffee on the head and back of the woman in front of him. Thankfully, it was old and frigid coffee because this would be a much more gruesome story.

The woman jumped up, wiping the coffee from her head, neck and the hood of her jacket. The dude? He just sat down. He just sat down and stared, hand against his face with one finger up, like he’s watching the most boring episode of Breaking Bad. He didn’t say “my bad”, he didn’t offer a napkin, he didn’t run to the restroom (only ten step away) to get her towels to wipe his fucking coffee of her jacket. He just sat and watched her. I’m not even sure he said a word.

And the more I thought about the situation, the more I realized something — everyone who saw this go down is just as big a dick as that guy. He’s an asshole for his non-reaction and everyone in that car is an asshole, myself included, for not going “hey, shit face, make this right.”

There’s no help for that guy, but he’ll eventually get his, because life finds the douchebags eventually. But for the rest of us, let’s make an effort to start calling people out on their shit. Especially other bros.

Alright, let’s get to the questions.

Q: So I asked out this girl with this really nice poem I wrote. Sadly I got rejected, but I’m over it and have began seeing other people. My question is would it be wrong if I used the same poem to ask out a different girl?

A: Everyone out there prepared to rip this guy a new hole for writing a poem, shut your traps. Sure, it’s not the most bro of talents, but if this guy can write his way into a chick’s pants he’s got an advantage over all of us.

The first answer you need, W.B. Yeats, isn’t from me but from the woman who turned you down. You’ve got to ask her a serious question — “do I suck or did the poem suck?” No offense, but it’s probably you she wasn’t interested in. If I was into a chick and she wrote me something awful, I’d get over it. But who knows, maybe this chick is heavy into the written word. You’ve got to find out. Fix yourself before you fix your prose.

Now, to answer your question about recycling your material, I’m fine with it so long as the original poem was written specifically for the other girl. If it was just a poem, that’s acceptable, but you can’t just go around changing a name in a piece of art. “I painted this for you, my love, it’s called the Mona Linda. Yeah, Lisa didn’t like it, but fuck her.”

You can use the poem again but I’d advise against trying to pull it off more than twice. And DON’T get a girlfriend without it and then three month into it go “I wrote this for you” and give her the poem you gave to two other broads. She’ll find out and cut off your little Walt Dickman.

Q: Well my birthday is coming up very soon (next week) and was wondering if you guys had any tips on where I should spend it? I live in NJ and want to go out to the city, gonna rent an airbnb for the night as well. I just don’t know where to go, I want to get rowdy as f***. Only been out to the city a few times and usually always end up hitting random dive bars but would love to know if you guys know any sweet bars/nightclubs.

A: You’re from Jersey? I’m from Jersey! Which part? I’m from “the shitty part.” We should hang.

I’m going to only slightly answer your question. Here’s why — everyone has different tastes. Maybe I would have liked those dive bars. Especially since I hate most nightclubs. See, already, I’m fucking up your night with my own opinion. I suggest checking out a website like this and trying to find the stuff that most interests you and your crew.

I will say this from experience because it’s usually always true — never build up a night in your head because it will always, ALWAYS disappoint. Some of my best night started off as just another hang. Some of my worst nights started this “oh my god this is going to be the greatest night ever! Unicorns are going to fart money at us while naked women ride those unicorns around a free open bar!”

You can go out with the intent to have a good time but keep the “best night ever” banter out of your brain.

Q: I’ve been with my girl for a couple months, and things are going good, but I have a hard telling when she’s actually mad or upset. Even if it’s got nothing to do with me, she just keeps it all bottled up until finally I realize “oh, she’s pissed about something.” How can I tell when my girl is actually angry at me, or just in general?

A: Ah, yes, the old “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything is fine.” Fine should just mean “I’m fucking angry.” We should get Oxford dictionary people on that. Change the definition of fine.

Figuring out there was something poking at her crack was the first step. The gut reaction is always good. If you’re smart enough to realize “something ain’t right” than that’s half the battle. Most bros are fucking oblivious to the fact there’s even anything wrong, which just compounds the issue. You’re at least in the game.

From my past experiences with women in the “I’m fine” zone, there are usually a few signs that she’s super pissed. Things like she calls you only by your name and not a pet name, it takes her forever to respond to text or calls, she stops conversation with silence or just doesn’t make first contact in any way. Those are usually the obvious signs that bros always miss that signals “shit is wrong and it’s probably your fault.”

But there is one sign that I’ve found that’s not only the most important, but usually the indicator that not only is something wrong but it might end up with a break-up. She stops caring about your personal choices. If she’s always asking you to pick up your clothes and now walks through piles of your stuff to get from place to place. She knows Thai food makes you shit for days and orders Thai for dinner. She doesn’t care that your late for work and that you were warned before. Basically, she stops giving a shit. That’s when you know there is really something wrong. My solution — just keep asking what’s wrong until she spills or punches you in the throat.

Q: Crazy thought — Nipple sized dick or dick sized nipples. Which is worse? 

A: This demented came to me on Twitter. Feel free to hit me up there any time.

Alright, so my answer is….holy shit they’re both horrific but I’ll say dick sized nipples are way worse. Plenty of bros are living decent lives with tiny dicks. That only really becomes an issue when it comes to sex. But dick sized nipples. That would be a daily issue. Imagine buying shirts, going to a pool or the gym, having to cram onto a crowded subway. I’m assuming the nipples are limp and get hard much like regular nipples. So a guy would have two boners in his shirt when the weather dipped below 50 degrees.

No thank you. I’d take the nipple dick any time. Wow, that didn’t sound the way it did in my head.

Got a question for the “bro”? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.


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