Keeping Girls You Have One-Night Stands With In College From Hating You, Plus Other Sagacious Advice
Q: Two-part question here, and they are completely unrelated, so bare with me.
1. What is with the people who don't walk up/down escalators? It's not a damn roller coaster.
2. I banged a chick from three of my classes. Do I have to drop out of school? What do I do?
A: These could not possibly be more unrelated…
1) Exactly what you said, it's not a fucking pleasure cruise. And most people riding it like one haven't endured a day or life so rough that they can't possibly walk up or down the moving steps. That's the problem, we provide amenities and things like escalators and handicap stalls to make certain people's lives easier and everyone starts abusing it. I don't care if people want to ride them all goddamn day, just don't clog it for the rest of us. The worst offenders are the couples that stand side-by-side so everyone else that wants to walk up the fucking thing has to have their day delayed because Tommy and Gina can't bare to stop holding hands for one fucking moment in time.
This is why we can't have nice things; people take advantage, become lazy, and the next thing you know I've got some fat, abominable fuck taking up half my seat on an airplane.
2) Whatever you do, don't be awkward and don't ignore her hoping she'll vanish into thin air. She unfortunately will not. I've tried it; the mind isn't as powerful as you think it is.
You may not want a relationship with her, and that's fine, she might not want your mediocre dick for good either. But what you also don't want is every chick on campus thinking you're a complete piece of shit when you're really only like half of one — you know, that broken log with the odd piece of lettuce hanging out of it; that's you!
The first step in keeping a decent reputation is never lead her on prior to hooking up. There are hundreds of things you can say to a girl to get her in bed, so there is no need to ever say anything that even closely resembles you wanting more after this one night. The second step is to not pretend they don't exist when you see them in class or out at night. Believe me when I tell you, women can forgive you for not wanting to be their boyfriend, but if you start treating them like a leper, shit will get ugly for your reputation.
Q: I'm rooming with a buddy of mine that I've known for a few years. We aren't like best Bros, but we know each other well enough to be decent roommates…or so I thought. Since his last living situation his cleanliness and other habits have gone to shit. I am constantly the one cleaning everything common. How do I tell handle this? My girlfriend doesn't even want to come over anymore. It's interrupting my sex life, which is VERY not bro. I'm not cleaning up after him the entirety of our lease.
A: Some people have a unique ability to live in squalor. It’s remarkable and disgusting all at the same time. I had a friend in college that never wore shoes in our fraternity house. He could walk shoeless on dog shit—open wounds on the bottom of his feet and all—and not even bat an eye. He thought it was hilarious, “What!?! It’s just dog shit, Bro.”
God, do I wish those were his last words.
Anyway, I’d be remiss if I told you anything other than “he’s never going to change,” because he’s not. No amount of hope, prayer, or bitching will affect that. I’ve lived with this EXACT roommate before and his head is never thinking about mopping the floor or cleaning the urine stains in the shower. What you need to do is give him a push. Schedule days that work for both of you to make your apartment smell a little less like a sweaty dick. Also, if you’re cleaning and he’s home, ask him to help. People respond if they see you doing something and you ask them to lend a hand. Only a fucking asshole would stand there and be like “Nah, I’m good.”
Q: The only way you can get into this halloween party I'm going to is if your wearing a costume. Any bro costume ideas that will have everyone laughin and the sluts crawlin all over me?
A: Here is the absolute easiest costume of all time that will undoubtedly yield results: Tape a single dollar bill to your forehead and go out as “That Guy at a Strip Club.” Bring about $30-$50 worth of singles out with you. When a girl that is dressed as a slutty (ANYTHING) comes grinding on your dick, stuff the cash in her bra. Then pull out a crisp single and repeat all night. If you must put out more effort than that just throw on a suit and be “That Wall Street Guy at a Strip Club.”
Q: I've recently been hooking up with one of the hottest guys on campus- who happens to share a room in his house with his best friend. I'm all for them both sleeping in their room when I stay over because I respect both of their spaces and I'm not uptight about things like that, but lately the roommate has been getting pissed when I stay over (which is like twice a week). He has been telling his best friend (the kid I've been hooking up with) to not talk to me or have me stay over ever again… Will his roommate ever stop being such a girl about this situation or is it time to move on and find a new hookup? And how do I get back on the roommate's good side?
A: As someone that never excelled at living in the same room as some else, I'm kind of on the side of the kid that hates your goddamn guts. It's not that he doesn't want his roommate sleeping with chicks twice a week or more, it's just that he sees a pattern developing with ONE CHICK and he doesn't want two nights a week to become three nights a week and so on. The room is already small enough, I'm sure, the last thing he needs is you there every night breathing all his air. Speaking of air, when you are around I'm sure he has to curb his enthusiasm for polluting it with his asshole. That alone will do nothing for your popularity.
You know, now that I'm thinking about it, this could all be a clever ruse by the guy that you've been hooking up with to get rid of you. Think about it…
Why else would he throw his best friend into the fire like that? Normally, he wouldn't tell you his roommate hates the living shit out of you because he wouldn't want to cause tension between two people he cares for and have to share a room together sometimes. But this… this is a perfect “out” for him. Throw all the blame on his friend (who likely said, “Blame me, I don't give a shit”) and get you to move on thinking the stars just didn't align. I mean, it's already got you on the ropes, thinking about jumping ship. It's fucking brilliant! He's probably doing the same thing to the three other chicks that occupy the other five nights of his week.
Q: Before regarding my question, let's first assume that when choosing a marriage mate, the only things that matter are the tits. If you're going to be spending the rest of your life with some some slam, what's the perfect breast type to last through the years? I don't want to have to drop 15k just to be able to stomach the site of those things a couple years down the road. And it'd be nice to slap some D's around, but then that son of a bitch gravity is always fighting you.
A: I don't know if this is necessarily anything you should ever seriously consider when taking a wife, but I'm going to answer it anyway because let's face it: tits are very important. However, if they are this important to you, shelling out $15K is inevitable because there are very few sizes that won't eventually sag to the floor or at least afford her the ability to carry a ream of paper hands-free.
Obviously, if you don't want your wife's knockers to be a nightmare later in life, and you are too cheap to fix them, you should stay away from chicks with gigantic natural tits, those don't stand a fighting chance against aging. But that's not to say you can't run into trouble elsewhere. No tits AT ALL sucks (we all know that) and even medium-size breasts can age horribly. Ever click on something mislabeled “MILF” on YouJizz only to see an old pair of 32 C's looking like sweaty tube socks staring you in the face? I have, and it's haunting.
Your best bet, if you are truly this worried about the aging of your future wife's tits, is to marry a chick that already had a great boob job. That, or quit being a cheapskate and bite the bullet when the time comes to realign those saggers.
Q: So last night I went out to a party with a girl I like and her friends. It was really hot, and there were too many people, so we joined 10-15 people in the back yard, and she texted this guy (lets call him Joe) and when Joe said he was coming she got really excited. So we all went back to Joe's place. So the girl I liked (lets call her ashley) said she was cold, so Joe gave her his shirt (he was wearing a short sleeve shirt over a long sleeve shirt). we were partying, and she was acting all ditzy towards him. Well after a while of partying (it was just a couple of us) they went to go get food, and when they came back Ashley was wearing Joe's sweatshirt, and Ashley drove back in her car. We all were just talking, and she was holding his hand, and sitting on his lap. Well after a while Ashley's friend (lets call her Michelle) was like Joe I like you, you make Ashley happy, (Michelle knows I like Ashley). So after an hour of just talking we decided to peace, and so Ashley was like Joe do you want me to move my car? and Joe said no because they were gonna leave at the same time tomorrow morning. So I just left with Michelle, but didn't really say anything to Michelle, and I went back to my room, and she went back to hers. I haven't talked to Ashley since last night, what do you think I should do? I really like Ashley, and we kissed the last time we hung out. I'm really confused what should I do?
A: You should probably fuck Michelle because all signs point to Joe being inside Ashley.
This last question is a four-parter that was sent to me by the crew at Epic Man Cave.
Q1: If you could take a peak at any celebrity's Man Cave, who's would it be and why? (i.e. Charlie Sheen, because… its Charlie Sheen).
A1: By man cave I'm going to ignorantly assume you mean “significant other's genitalia” and say I'd like to take a peek at Justin Timberlake's man cave, if ya know what I mean (WINK WINK, ELBOW NUDGE)?
Plus, he's an avid golfer so I'm sure his other man cave is a real spectacle as well.
Q2: If money was no object, what item (gadgets, beer fridges, furniture etc.) do you think should reside inside every Man Cave.
A2: PGA Tour indoor golf-simulator, a putting green, half a basketball court, a fully functional gun range, and a plethora of booze dispensing machines. Also, the inability to ever be more than 5 ft away from a TV screen.
Q3: What is the best advice you could give to someone struggling to convince their wife/girlfriend to let them have a Man Cave.
A3: Find a new babe, yours sucks.
But seriously, compromise — give them something they've always wanted. Affection, maybe?
Q4: Lastly, what is your Man Cave beverage of choice?
A4: I'd like to say whiskey but if there is only one choice it'd have to be beer. Make it domestic and easily chuggable. Just no Miller Light, that shits for plebes.