Ask a Broad: An Edition of Our Mailbag Where Ilana and Abbi From ‘Broad City’ Answer Your Questions

By 01.29.14

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If this week's Ask a Bro looks a little different, it's because it is. For one week only, Abbi and Ilana from Comedy Central's Broad City (Wednesdays at 10:30/9:30c), will be answering your questions. Enjoy!

Q: All of my friends are at the point in life where they all have girlfriends, they've all graduated college or gotten full time jobs and are at the “settling down” phase of life. They go to sleep early on weekends and give me shit for being single, and we are around the age of 23-24. Do I give in and be old or do I find new guys to raise hell with? And how do I find people to rage with, without seeming like the “old man” of the group?

Ilana: Oh my gosh, don’t “give in” to anything ever! If you’re into singledom and cruisin’, you gotsta find new bros to do that with, but I’d also say keep your old bag friends for chill times and like, making dinner. It’s the same way that you wanna party with your friends who are good at parties and just hang with friends who are good at straight chilling.

On a separate note, if anybody’s giving you shit for being single ever, it’s because they’re jealous that you’re single. Nobody should give anybody shit either way – to be single or to be in a relationship. It’s weird and doesn’t make sense and has to do with that person’s insecurity or unhappiness.

Abbi: Yeah, I would say you shouldn’t ever give in—that would mean you’d what, find someone and just settle?  You don’t wanna do that.  Do what feels right for you right now—figure your shit out, and if that means you’re into partying and meeting new people right now then go full force.  Everyone has different priorities and timelines—you gotta have fun and do what makes you happy.  In terms of meeting new people, I always think work or even finding older friends you haven’t hung out with in awhile is a great place to find new people to go out with.  You have time to figure it all out—don’t ever give in to pressure to be what you’re not.

Q: So, I'm going to be turning 24 in March and I've never gotten past 2nd base. The kicker about this is I live in a college town. Every time I go out and try to start small talk with a woman, I get shut down after the, “Hey whats up?” faster than Usain Bolt can run the 100 meter. I really want to get a score on the board, but the years of constant striking out has made me consider retiring from the game completely with what little microscopic spec of dignity and confidence I have left. What would a Bro do if you were in my shoes?

Ilana: Oh my gosh, bro. You can’t “retire” quite yet. You don’t get to do that this young. Twenty four years old is NABD for your sitch, and 2nd base is hot and cool. I have a couple things to say here. The first is that Usain Bolt is a specific reference. I imagine you’re into sports or the Olympics? Maybe you’re a bit nerdy, like every hot and cool 24-year old these days? If you said that reference to a girl who was going to really get it, that would be an instant connector. I think it’s easier to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a more specific situation – like maybe a sports bar during a game or an intermural sport or at a type of hang-out where a specific type of person chills. Another thing is that “small talk” kind of sucks. Don’t make small talk, it’s torturous on both ends. Try being sincere… first of all, don’t aim for sex with a woman you’re just striking up a conversation with. Maybe aim for just an actually good conversation that would be worth continuing for her. Also, give yourself a break. You don’t need to get laid as soon as possible just to break some seal. If that’s the case, get a sexual surrogate or a prostitute – there are way, way crazier things. But if you don’t want to do that, and you’re not like, running to the finish line the way every single piece of media ever tells you that you are or should be… then just aim for a genuinely good conversation. If you’re like me, and someone you find attractive makes you nervous, find a sincere compliment, one of the things that is making you attracted to that person, and tell her that. Don’t make small talk so that you can like, trick a girl into hooking up with you or whatever. Be real, be present. Share something of yourself. Um, okay two more things – it’s a numbers game. Put yourself out there, without any expectations. Everybody has somebody who wants to F them – go find that someone. May not be person one through nineteen, but the twentieth gal could be her. And don’t take offense to the first nineteen. Those girls are just into somebody else or having a shitty day or something, seriously. Okay, last thing – second base is hot and fun and cool. Don’t worry about staying at that for a while if that’s the place you’re at. You’re just going to continue to savor and appreciate sexual experiences as you garner them.

Abbi: I would say first and foremost—get out of your head about this.  I bet you every time you go out and meet girls, this is in the back of your head. So, first of all, let yourself off the hook and remember that everyone does shit at different times in their lives and it doesn’t mean anything about you.  It’s a new year and everyday is a new opportunity for things to change.  So—second base. I would say to go into a night or whenever you’re meeting new people without any pressure.  Life is already full of so much shit and pressure—so don’t put anymore of that on yourself.  I personally like it when I’m out when a guy feels confident, and is himself.  So just try o be yourself and become friends with the girl—then you’ll feel comfortable.  You gotta go into the game feeling like you are pretty fucking dope, because you are.  Why wouldn’t she want to chat with you?  Without being a dick of course.  I can tell you are a nice guy that might just have had some bad luck, but I think if you throw yourself out there a bit more, things will change and get better. Be you and keep trying—it’s all any of us can do.  I love it when a guy is funny and warm and easy-going.  You got this dude. 

Q: So this is my last semester at college, and I wanted to get your ideas on a fun bucket list I can complete before I leave in May, so hit me with that crazy shit, brahs

Abbi: Ohh this is a good idea!  I love me some bucketlists.  I would think of some things that you’ve been scared to do over the course of the last 4 years.  Is there someone you’ve been into and haven’t ever told them or made the move—do it!  There is really zero pressure—you might not ever see them again!  Do a baller night out wherever your town is with some friends…. Like a for real NIGHT.  Watch the sun come up.  Skip class one day and go on a road trip for the afternoon- why not.  Buy yourself something for completing school, something you’ll have forever that you would never normally get yourself.  Do mushrooms with a small group of friends (in a safe environment J) Last minute look a up concert and figure out a way to go—be spontaneous with this last semester! Try to sneak into after parties of events, and catered events at the college. Make out in the library—something that’s still on my bucketlist.

Q: I've been in a relationship for the past 3 years pretty much since college. Recently we split up and now I find myself starting from square one without and legitimate prospects. Never being single in a post college world, I wonder if you could share some insights on how things are going to be different for me going forward? The same as picking up girls in college? Harder? Easier? Or just a different ballgame all together. I'm a young, good looking guy with some change in my pocket, who maybe needs a pep talk to get out of this funk I'm in and start moving forward with my life. Any insight you can share is much appreciated.

Ilana: I had this situation pretty much, where I dated a dude in college, and then when we broke up, I was like… Oh. For me it was way more fun tryna hook up with people after college. Adulthood can be empowering, I think it should be empowering. Be more vulnerable and like, real than in college. You sound like you know you’re a worthwhile person. Challenge yourself to be as you as possible, and I know you will absolutely be rewarded. The right women will respond. I’d say try all different tactics and then follow the one that works – online, friends of friends, by throwing parties, going to specific types of events.

Q: Do you think that the Super Bowl would attract even more viewers, if all of the players only wore helmets? That's right, 100% nude Seahawks and Broncos. Or would all of those shriveled dicks (it's going be pretty cold), just become a distraction for fans?

Ilana: I would tune in if the Super Bowl were what you’ve fantasized it being. I currently do not tune in unless it is circumstantially thrust upon. They’d have, at least, one more viewer.

Q: Why don't people delivery 24/7. I'm hungry and its making me angry. They're open 24/7 but wont deliver. WTF?

Abbi: There’s gotta be one place that does.  It just might not be your ideal.  You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

Q: I'm pretty interested in greek life. If I had the chance i would definitely go greek. However, I attend a school where there is no greek system (wwu, and transferring isn't an option) and my friends who are in fraternities constantly remind me. How do i go about life ignoring these assholes when i know there right?

Abbi: I would enjoy the best of both worlds.  Go visit your friends at other schools in Frats when you know they’re throwing big parties or year-end things.  That way you can take part in the party and enjoy all that comes with it, and leave in time so you don’t have to deal with cleaning up piles of throw-up.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here and be sure to watch Comedy Central's Broad City Wednesdays at 10:30/9:30c.


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