The Chick I’m Banging Tried To Give Me Her Dead Husband’s Rolex — Do I Take It?

by 3 years ago
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Welcome to this week’s edition of Ask A Bro, the advice columns that sets bros and girls straight about sex, relationships, oral, Scrubs, drugs and anything else you bastards email questions which need answering.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here and let’s get on with the getting on.

Q: I just met this awesome girl, she gets me, calls me on my shit, seems like a keeper. My bros just asked me to move to Amsterdam with them for a year, any advice?

A: This question came from a bro to my work email, which was awesome, because it felt like these columns are actually helping people. Always feel free to reach out via email. It’s listed at the bottom of this column. Anyway, I already answered him but I’ve copy and pasted for the benefit of the audience. Here is my response:

I’m sure she’s an awesome girl, a keeper, and possibly a future something but GO TO FUCKING AMSTERDAM! Especially if you’re under the age of 30 (which I’m assuming you are). You can just tell her honestly “I like you, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime, and I have to go.” If she’s cool and a keeper she’ll understand. If she wants to see what happens in a year, all the better, but don’t go to Amsterdam with her as a “girlfriend.” It’s not fair to either of you.

Long story short, no amazing life story begins with “So I bailed on a year in Amsterdam for a girl.”

Q: I think it’s a stupid question, but hell with that I am anonymous(I guess so). Well I had a crush on a girl couple years ago, I was and am well & comfortable talking with girls (other girls) somehow I could never muster up to talk to her. Then I returned to my hometown vaguely remembered her and also been in two relationships. But when I am with other girls or on my own, I just can’t forget her face. I sound like a loser to myself. I tried finding her online but no luck. What should I do. Don’t tell me to forget about it, like I haven’t already tried doing that… What should I do. I fought and broke up(eh.. Got dumped) by the last girl because I wrote a song on the other girl instead of her.

A: Normally, I’d say forget her, but you flat out said “don’t say forget her” so I can’t. You dick. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

Here’s the alternative — you’ve got a month. You have 30 (possibly 31 depending on the month) days to find her, get in her pants, and either make this legit or stop the Nicholas Sparks movie bullshit. If you don’t find her in the 30 days, then you’ve got to knock it the fuck off and get over her. You’re only acting this way because she’s a mystery, a fantasy, a perfect thing in your mind that she probably isn’t in real life. But you’re young and obviously not going to get over this until Channing Tatum is playing you in a movie so go find the girl. Don’t be butt hurt when she’s not the person you think she is. And don’t write a song about it either.

Q: This is strange but I’m desperate at this point. I can’t get off during sex. Is this common amongst men? I’ve been with 15 partners and only gotten off with 4 and they were pretty slutty. I’ve been in a long term relationship and still can’t get off. Kind of worried when I start to “want” to have kids. I’ve been told its a mental thing but I would love to let the fountain flow.

A: Occasionally, for these questions, you’ve got to call in experts. Especially when it comes to sex, the mind, and the dong. I didn’t want to go this road alone so I texted a friend, let’s call her Dr. Katie, to answer your possibly medical query. Dr. Katie is a legit doc, she doesn’t just play one in text conversations.

Answer

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Q: Bro, So here’s the deal; I’ve got a little dilemma on my hands. So rewind a year ago, I was dating a great girl. When I say great, I don’t mean like a 10/10 straight up dime piece, but just a smart, cool, fun to be around girl. Don’t get me wrong, definitely pretty, just not like a showstopper. Eventually we break up or whatever. Honestly not like a whole ordeal or anything, essentially meaning we’re fine with each other, no hard feelings. So where am I going with this? Well fast forward to now. Some how, some way, I managed to get into a situation where I’m hooking up with this girls sister. And this girl is an absolute babe. Total smokeshow. Give your left nut for a night in the sheets hot. You get the point. So this has been going on for a while, give or take 2 months. I think it’s safe to say we both feel a bit sleazy about it, but the problem is that I think I actually want to date this girl. Should I continue pounding away on this girl on the low or should I try to make it something more without looking like a complete asshole to her sister/family/world? Any advice would help bro, apologies for the novel.

A: Bro, I’ve been there before, sort of. I dated a girl but was 100% more attracted to her sister. I never got to run game on sis because of circumstances (after the break-up the dad wanted to shoot me in the face) but I know the struggle.

My advice is to keep things the way they are and let her make the ultimate call. Put it this way — if she’s really into you, she’ll eventually comes to accept what happened and what to tell sis, and that will have to be all on her. If things go bad, she’ll either cut it off and never speak a word of it OR completely bash you to a broad who probably already has a slight resentment toward you (whether it’s obvious or not). Doubtful she’ll want to deal with your failed relationship AND tell her blood “oh yeah, I been getting railed by your ex. What are we getting mom for Xmas?”

Let her call the shots. Until then, just keep hanging and banging.

Q: Alright Brostradamus, So about a month and a half ago, I met a mid-40s widow on Tinder. She worked out, and definitely looked to be in her early 30s. We eventually met up, hooked up (she lived up to the hype) and hung out a little. We did this several times over the course of the next few weeks. She and I had an understanding, I was not looking for a relationship, and neither was she. Everything was/is cool, not a Tinder horror story by any means. The other day, she text me saying she had a Christmas gift she wanted to give me. Thinking it was something raunchy and hot, I pressed the issue and asked her to show me. She relented and sent me a picture.. I was expecting some skimpy holiday themed lingerie or something, but what I received was a picture of her late-husband’s Rolex. She said she had no use for it anymore and that it would fit my line of work well. It is a sick timepiece, but I feel like there is some sort of bad JuJu associated with wearing a dead dude’s Rolex. Plus, she has a son from a different husband, who I am sure wouldn’t mind having ole step-dad’s watch. Am I just being a pansy about this, or would you share my concerns?

A: This might be my favorite question ever in my short time fielding the Ask A Bro and here’s why — I actually had to think about the response. I answer most of the questions from bros based on gut reaction and the little information provided. This question has so many fucking levels I had to step back and let the gears in the skull grind to an answer. Here’s what my gear grinding, and my honest gut reaction, have for advice.

First off, I don’t think you should look for any “meaning” in the gift, other than, “this is a very expensive thing that belonged to my late husband and I can’t just toss it so I’d rather see someone put it to good use.” She probably exhausted the other ideas — feels guilty selling it, her kid doesn’t want it, she doesn’t want to stare at it daily because enough around the place remind her of him — so she just wants to exercises at least a couple memories from her mind.

You can’t take the watch. Yes, it’s a fucking Rolex, and you might never own a Rolex but you didn’t earn that Rolex. Rolex watches are earned. Rolex watches are also handed down from generation to generation. There is a watch ad running right now (for a different company) that says something like “you don’t actually own a _______, you just maintain it for the next generation.” The same can be said for Rolex watches because the minute you wear it in public people will ask “where the fuck did you get a Rolex?” and I’m not sure “I’m banging a cougar and this was her dead husband’s Rollie” is the info you’ll want to drop over happy hour scotches.

And my third and final reason you actually touched on in your question. I don’t believe in juju but I do believe in the way the mind works and you don’t want to think about a dead bro every time you look at the time.

Got a question for the “bro”? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati


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