How to Avoid Becoming Roommates With An Annoying Friend, Plus Other Strong to Quite-Strong Advice
Q: I have this bro who wants to get an apartment with me next year. Problem is this guy has one of those “you can only take him in small doses” type of personalities. I don't want to be a dick and straight up tell him I can't live with him but if I did, I would go insane. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of it while still keeping him as a bro. Any suggestions?
A: Lie to him, of course. Tell him your parents are fucking jerks and are making you stay in the dorms or wherever you live now, for another year. Then, when he finally finds another sucker to live with him be like, “Fuck, Bro. That's a bummer. My dickhole parents finally caved and are letting me move out. Sucks that it took them this long. Maybe we can live together next year? Yeah, let's definitely get a place next year, it'll be sick.” When letting someone down, I find it's always good to end with a promise you don't intend to fulfill.
The way I see it, you can go on dodging this insufferable fuck for years to come. By the time next year rolls around, make your housing plans early and again, don't include him. When he asks to shack up together, just say you totally forgot the promise you made an that the guys you're going to live with needed a fourth roommate so they asked you and jumping in on a place sure beats finding one. He'll have no choice but to understand.
Q: So, I've been hooking up with this girl for about a month and shit's been good. The other night I got drunk, fucked a random girl, with no condom. Next day my girl comes over, we start hooking up, she goes to give me head. I stopped her after like 20 seconds 'cause I felt bad. She got pissed 'cause she thought she didn't like it. Now we've been arguing for days. Don't know what to say to her, told her a few made up stories saying I was sad or whatever, but shes not buying it. What should I say?
A: Always blame your hygiene. Tell her you hit the gym before she came over and you knew your dick smelled like death and being the class act you are, you couldn't live with yourself if sucking on your grimy cock made her gums bleed.
If that doesn't work, since clearly some time has passed, say you went to get tested—because you haven't in a while—and you felt weird about her blowing you until you got the test back. Play it as if getting the test psyched you out.
And if that angle doesn't work, tell her you jerked off (to her Facebook photos, of course) right before she came over and your dick was bone dry, you knew her efforts to make you jizz would be futile.
And if that doesn't work, just start railing that rando chick that let you raw dog her. That babe seems like the real McCoy.
Q: So I've been dating my guy for about 4 months now. He had a gf for 4 years, but they broke up 2 years ago, and let's just say his number is high… like over 35 women high.
So here's the situation: At the end of the summer (after about 2 months of us dating, and after him telling me that he loved me) I found texts on his phone asking his ex-gf, as well as an ex-hookup to fuck. I confronted him about it, he said nothing happened, it was all purely for entertainment. But since then, the whole trust thing has gone out of the window. 2 months later, we're still together, but I'm not so sure how into me he is. He's busy, has family shit, but all affection has completely gone from the relationship, and he repeatedly talks down to me (knows he's doing it) and doesn't give a shit.
What do you think? He says he loves me and he's trying, but his actions don't really follow. Should I just trust that he wouldn't be in this if he didn't want to? Or should I dump his ass and find someone better?
A: Can't say whether or not he loves you or is cheating on you, but being a guy I know we often tend to keep riding the wave even when we desperately want to jump off. Whether we don't want to have to worry about finding random ass again or we don't feel like going through the burden of breaking up, some guys just stay the course because moving on is a pain in the dick.
It seems to me that he's reached that point (after only 4 months), and he may be treating you like trash so you'll dump him. That always makes it easier for the guy to digest because the girl is filled with contention instead of tears and he gets to say “She broke up with me!” implying he did nothing wrong, even though he spent months or weeks driving her to do it.
Also, playful texts to his ex and other girls saying he wants to fuck them? If you believe that, then this guy should teach a class on how to brainwash chicks, because he's a goddamn master manipulator.
Q: I have some relatives that live in the same city as the university I'm going to, and I have the option of living at their house about 5 miles (~15min drive) from campus. They are older and I definitely would have to clean up everything, not have people over, and probably not be able to come home too late. But it would be completely free. Or I can pay about $600-800 per month in rent and live right next to campus and do whatever I want (the area around campus is basically a nonstop party and right next to the beach), but I would have to pay this rent with student loan money…. Would it be worth it?
A: The whole “not come home too late” bullshit is a deal-breaker in my book. College is meant for coming home too late, if at all. I know spending the extra money isn't ideal, since it'll be comprised entirely of student loans, but unless you can finagle a way to not have a curfew or speak to these shitty people EVER, I'd get the apartment. Even if It left me so poor that I had to steal toilet paper from campus bathrooms.
Imagine the first night you come home from a party, absolutely tuned up, and you step out of line by puking on something or you drunkenly shower your relative's house in piss. You're certainly not going to live that down or receive the laugh a bunch of dudes would give you.
Q: Today I was walking around campus and a girl walked in front of me. Naturally, I start checking out the goods and I see she has Vail written on her butt, a place where I have been a fair amount. I was about to start a conversation with her about it but then stopped myself, thinking she will then know I was just staring at her ass. So, did I over think it or do you think she would be pissed/creeped out?
A: She's walking around with a giant word stamped across her ass, with the space between the “VA” and” IL” being her ASSHOLE. If you're not staring at that, and you're straight, something is wrong with you. Like really, really wrong with you.
She knows that everyone knows VAIL is written across her ass, and I think you could have addressed it in a way that isn't creepy, overtly sexual, or cheesy, but it's all in the delivery. Also, it's only something to open the door, don't be that guy who makes it the thing he always brings up when he sees her.
While we're on this topic of words on women's asses, although worn by many a trash bag, I still like Juicy's pants the best because they don't fuck with splitting the word up, they present it seamlessly letting the “I” floss a chick's crack. And I think that's a thoughtful feature.