What to Do When Your Awesome Girlfriend is AWFUL in Bed, Plus Perfecting the Cold Open
Q: Okay, so I've been dating this girl for a while and she's all kinds of great. She's pretty, all my friends like her, she doesn't care if I go rage with the bros, she'll come out and party with us and she's always down to do the dirty deed. The problem? She is awful in bed. But I mean its really bad- she just lays there and does nothing. I thought it would get better but it hasn't. Is there any way to bring this up? Will it ever get better? Or if not, is it an acceptable reason to jump ship and leave her behind?
A: A lady in the streets but a bore in the bed…this is a disappointing situation indeed. Reminds me of this one Christmas when my boyfriend's gift was wrapped in a jewelry box; but when I opened it, it was a gift certificate- and not even to a fucking jewelry store. Obviously dumped him less than a week later. Goddamn amateur hour over here. (It was high school, what the hell did you expect?) Anyways in regards to the disappointment you've discovered when unwrapping your own gift…what comes off as a lacking skill set may actually just be apprehension in disguise- maybe she feels nervous to let loose in the bed, and she needs a little hand-holding. Positive reinforcement is always encouraged- particularly when you're trying to get laid. In addition to ultra complimentary behavior on your part, put her in a position where she has to do some of the legwork – literally. Put her on top of you in one of a billion positions and see how she twerks it. Give her some guidance with your hands, then give her the orgasm of her life. Again; positive reinforcement.
Unfortunately in the long run, if sexual conditions don't improve I do believe it's grounds for jumping ship. You're a young sexual being and it's a damn shame to waste your libido on a lackluster love life. It's harsh and probably shallow, but also probably definitely true.
Q: What are some of your best tips/tricks for the cold approach at a college?
A: Sort of at a loss for this one…mainly because I don't think I know what you're asking. Assuming you're inquiring as to how to play it cool when getting with a girl, I can take a stab at it for you.
1. Don't be too forthcoming. A girl wants to know that you're interested, but following her around the frat basement or trying to hold her hand an hour after meeting her can be off-putting. Make eyes, flash a smile, use your bro-benefits to get her a beer with ease.
2. If and when you obtain her digits, make her sweat it out for 24-36 hours. She'll be all like, “Why hasn't he called me yet? Did he lose his phone? Did I give him the wrong number?” And you'll be like, on your couch playing it cool and counting down the hours until you press send on that groundbreaking text. “Hey, what's going on?” Yeah; that's the stuff. I mean life is short and god knows college is a thousand times shorter so don't over complicate shit. Play it relatively cool, rather than cold, and even when you're trying to be a dick always maintain a level of redeeming gentlemanly qualities.
Q: So I have a complex situation for you. Last semester I started hooking up with this girl (let her be blonde)-things were going great and we'd only hook up if there were no more options. The complex part comes now, blondie has a friend which I find extremely attractive (she shall be called Blair). One night at a party my bro told Blair about my crush on her, and amazingly enough she decided I was fit enough for her and we hooked up, and later started dating. Next thing I know Blondie and Blair hate each other, but I decided to stay friends with both. One month after Blair and I started dating she broke up with me because “I was too close with Blondie and they didn't like each other”. I agreed and it took me about a day to noticed that I missed Blair. So I talk to her a week later asking her to think things over, but then I get a message from her saying, “I found out that you hooked up with Blondie while we broke up, so that makes my decision clear.” But a week later she started giving me looks again etc. My question is: Since I know she has something for me still, should I try again to just hook up with Blair? Btw: graduation is in 30 days and I will be moving across the country.
A: You motherfuckers are verbose as all hell. I mean seriously- it takes me longer to read your dramatic short stories than to think of a (100% accurate) response. An abridged version would've been really appreciated, but so it goes; let the dissection begin. You've managed to weave yourself into a tangled, complicated web of ruined friendships and lies. And that shit is stick-ay. Especially since you've chosen to use Gossip girl references (Blair and Blondie, really?) These two will never fully be separate entities and you're doing everyone involved a disservice by trying to convince yourself otherwise. The icing on this cake is the little piece you slipped in at the end that actually holds a grave amount of significance; 30 days from now, neither of these girls will even be in driving distance from you. My advice is to stop turning the end of your college career into a soap opera and just enjoy yourself. If its meant to be with your gossip girl fantasy, then shit will work itself out. Then again I never saw the end of Gossip Girl, so I could be wrong.
Q: Hey babe. So let me let you in on my dilemma of the past few months. I'm a junior in college and my roommate has a sister who started as a freshman here back in August. From when I first met her I thought she was a cool chick and she seemed interested in me, but I didn't think anything of it since she's my roommate's sister. But as the year has gone on and I've hung out with her more, I'm really starting to like her. I'm not one for relationships or commitments but she is definitely a girl I can see myself having a relationship with. I've actually had to pass on a couple of opportunities to hook up with her because of her brother. To make things worse, he's super over protective of her, to the point where she doesn't feel comfortable going to the same bars or parties as him. My question is do you think there is a way I can get the girl without offending my friend or am I just going to have to grin and bear it?
A: Roommate bro sounds like a douchebag. Having a sister who's sexy doesn't give him the right to protect her like a lion cub in the pride. I think sibling cockblocking is just a downright dick move, and at some point you've gotta strong arm that shit. I mean really – if you’re that protective of your sibling’s sexuality, you’re actually just creepy. So overwrite him and get to the goods. You won't have to live with him in the long run, and if he's actively preventing you from getting your dick wet he sounds like no asset, or fun, at all.
Q: Mighty and mysterious Babe,
Serious feelings are creeping back to me of a girl that I used to hook up/hang out with on and off for a while. I haven't seen or really spoken to her in several months but our fling ended when I transferred and I rejected her plea to be in a long distance relationship.
After being with several girls in between, it is clear to me that she is special and stands way above the rest. Been thinking about her a lot lately and kind of want her back but I'm pretty sure she hates me for rejecting her and breaking her heart, evidence of which is in her nasty replies when I text her trying to get back on her good side. Thoughts?
A: Mighty and mysterious…that's got a ring to it. Allow me to get a little deep with you and speak from personal experience when I say that sometimes it takes losing the good shit and testing some mediocre shit to realize just how good said aforementioned shit really was.
Of course she hates you for breaking her heart. I mean…duh. That's basically protocol. But if you really do have feelings for her and aren't just in it for the chase/the unattainable, then you'll put in the time to prove it. She'll be hesitant at first, and you can't go around fucking a bunch of randos in the interim– but eventually, if you're lucky, she'll come around. Now I am of course working with only the information you've provided me–so if you're leaving out any major details/dickhead moves, you're on your own buddy. It's the way of the game.
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[Upset boyfriend image via ShutterStock]