The live finale of The Bachelorette was last night, as I’m sure every bro worth his weight in beer knows, and the Bachelorette, the smoking hot Andi Dorfman, picked Aaron Murray’s brother, Josh. Josh is an athlete too; he was drafted by the Milwaukee Brewers back in 2002, and played minor league ball for six seasons. He then went back to college, even playing on the Georgia football team in 2010, appearing in two games. Anyone else hate this guy and his whole family? I’m gonna make myself feel better by assuming he has the personality of a picnic table.
The real drama from the night came in the live portion of the show, when the runner-up, Nick, finally got to have some closure with Andi. What did he do with his precious time with her? Profess his undying love? Ask her what he did to mess things up? Find out what Josh had that he didn’t? Nah, son. He asked her why she banged him if she had no intention of picking him. Whoa, dude.
The Bachelorette is on ABC, and as such, even though it’s a show about relationships and adults falling in love, sex is something that is always alluded to, but never really spoken about bluntly. They’ll show them closing the door to “The Fantasy Suite,” and then cut to a shot of a fountain spraying water, real subtle shit, but you never get to see any real action. Definitely no penetration. Weak.
To have Nick confront Andi on live TV over the bang and bounce was particularly amazing. The studio audience made up of fat Midwestern housewives practically exploded on the spot. Nick stammered and stuttered through “Knowing how in love with you I was… if you weren’t in love with me… I’m just not sure why… like, why you made love with me, I don’t…”
Andi responded with a “First of all, I think that’s kinda below the belt. That’s something that’s private, and should be kept private,” before going on some rant about how she meant all the shit she said to him. Whatever.
Dude knew exactly what he was doing. If anyone thinks he was really trying to “get answers” from her, they’re insane. Has any dude in the history of dudes ever complained to a hot chick, “why did you have sex with me?” He was bitter about losing and was just trying to call her out in a public forum to make her look like a slut. I would say that that’s a pretty low blow, except for the fact that I’m super angry that Andi is off the market too, so whatever, f her. I thought she was the one for me, but it looks like it ain’t gonna happen…
My favorite line from Nick was when he said in reference to the night they banged, “Over these past two months I’ve had to play that in my mind over and over,” which was basically a polite way of confirming on live TV that he’s been beating his meat thinking about her for the past two months. I respect his candor.
Check out the amazingly awkward clip below, and please make sure to leave as many comments calling me gay for watching The Bachelorette as possible. Your hate gives me strength.